Volume 12                                                                                                                               March 08, 2007

Question from our readers:

I believe I am a vacillator/avoider.

Is this a possible combination and does that cause more conflict in me because of it?

This is a good question.

Vacillators may feel like avoiders when they are angry and want to retreat and withdraw. 

Both vacillators and avoiders may withdraw, but for very different reasons.

Avoiders are unaware of their own feelings and needs and will try and give what others are asking for, but it exhausts them since they are self sufficient and have no needs. 

Withdrawing is their only way to find relief since they don’t bring their stresses into relationships.

 Avoiders may also withdraw if others are too emotional or needy because this overwhelms them. 

They literally do not know what to do with neediness so it makes the avoider feel uneasy and inadequate.

Avoiders withdraw to escape this discomfort. 

Vacillators will pursue their spouse for times of connection.

 Remember, before they are disappointed, their longing for intense connection that they can feel is on “high.”  Over time, as they are disappointed, they may retreat and give up more and more to the point where they almost seem like and avoider.  Before this withdrawal happens, the vacillator has expressed many times anger and disappointment at the unavailability, disinterest, or lack of attention from their spouse.  Avoiders do not go through this time of longing and disappointment.  The avoider does not even relate to the feeling of longing. 

So here is my guess.

 I’m guessing you are a vacillator who is mostly avoiding and withdrawing out of anger or resignation or perhaps even to punish your spouse and show them what it feels like to be ignored.

 Indeed, this does cause conflict in you because withdrawing goes against your desire for connection.

 The dilemma of the vacillator is, “Do I try and connect and face possible disappointment or do I withdraw and hope someone comes to get me?  When connection is possible and it is offered, you may resist.   Although you would enjoy the time and attention, you may feel you are too angry or that you have no control over when it will be offered again.  So once more, there is a dilemma. 

Do I accept or resist?

Of course all this is not a conscious process.  Rather it is a pattern learned in childhood. 

It leaves both you and your spouse confused and disconnected.

If you are married to an avoider, they had a life time of being ignored so they are very use to this and your distancing won’t bother them.  It won’t occur to an avoider to pursue you or “come get you”.  The avoider is probably thinking, ….”Good, he or she is taking care of themselves.

 If you are married to a pleaser and you withdraw, they will most likely be more anxious.  They will pursue in indirect ways that do not address your anger.  Their pleasing is more about avoiding your anger than it is genuine connection.  Of course this is what the Pleaser learned in their childhood…”Be good and make everyone happy, so it’s possible to relax”. 

   I hope this clears up your confusion and helps you clarify which love style is most responsible for keeping you stuck.  Be sure and get the How We Love Workbook because you will find specific growth goals that will guide you toward a secure love style and greater intimacy in your relationships.

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NEXT WEEK:
More of Kay's tips on improving your relationships: "Fuel for the LOVE Tank "

Love,
Milan and Kay

Fuel for the Love Tank: 

What was YOUR “Song” when you were dating?

 What song did you dance to during the Bride and Groom dance at your wedding?

 Sing it to your spouse or play it this week and enjoy reminiscing.

 Even better, DANCE!!

NEW!! NEW!! NEW!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
Mission Hills Christian Center, Rancho Santa Margarita, CA,
9-10 AM (Kay)
March 8, 2007

How We Love,  Marriage workshop.
Saddleback Church, 1 Saddleback Parkway, Lake Forest, CA  92630
Friday night 7-9 PM, Saturday morning 9 AM – 12 Noon. (Milan and Kay)
March 9 -10, 2007
Contact Info: Church office: (949) 609.8000.
 To register online, follow these directions carefully: Go to www.saddlebackfamily.com then click on “Calendar & Events”.  Scroll down to March 9 and click on Married Life: How We Love.  Scroll down to bottom and click on “register”.
 This is our only local How We Love seminar until next Fall.  Encourage your friends and family to attend.

MOPS & POPS Banquet (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers)
Glenkirk Presbyterian Church, Glendora CA (Milan & Kay)
Contact Info: Glenkirk Presbyterian Church, 1700 East Palopinto, Glendora, CA 91741 (626) 914-4833 (Milan & Kay).
Friday 6PM – 10PM,
March 16, 2007

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Cincinnati, OH, Vineyard Church  (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
March 23, 2007

How We Love …Sexually (a sexual intimacy workshop). 
Coast Hills Church, 5 Pursuit, Aliso Viejo, CA.
Saturday 9AM- 3PM.  (Milan & Kay).
March 31, 2007 

How We Love Workshop
Registration & Host Contact Information: Our Savior Lutheran Church 4519 112th St. East, Tacoma, WA 98446 (253) 531-2112.  
Saturday 9 AM – 3 PM (Milan & Kay)
April 21, 2007 

How We Love,( a one hour presentation during a Family Night event) (Milan and Kay)
Presbyterian Church of the Master, Mission Viejo, CA
Contact Info: Church office @ 949-582-2670.
May 2, 2007

New Life Ministries, Healing Is A Choice, Couples Group Counselors, (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Dallas, Texas,
Info: www.newlife.com or 1-800-NEW-LIFE.
May 4-6, 2007

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

March 1
March 2
March 6
March 8
March 9
March 12
March 21

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :