Volume 16                                                                                                                              April 05, 2007

COMFORT, NURTURE, and CAREGIVING

First in a four part series

Thought Question: “What are my childhood and adolescent memories of being comforted when I was in emotional pain?”

For 20-30% of us, we may have warm memories of being “known” deeply by a parent. 

Parents who “got us” and had a deep understanding of what made us tick.

Through repeated experiences of soothing and nurture when we were distressed as well as celebrations when we were at the top of our game, we ended up internalizing those memories and we walked out of our homes with a secure attachment that made nurture and caregiving second nature to our relational repertoire.

For most of us however, coming up with a good answer is sketchy to say the least. 

Most of us would think that we should be easily able to retrieve a positive response to this simple question.

 Some have told us that this question haunted them for weeks as they scoured their memory banks searching in vain for a memory of emotional comfort.  

While it is sad for many of us to admit that our childhood training did not equip us well to seek, give or receive comfort well, the good news is that our Lord is a redemptive God. 

One who allows us to have a “do over” in adult life and learn anew the valuable skills of nurturance and care giving in relationships.

    Comfort, Nurture and Caregiving described:

As the GIVER:

     To acknowledge and pursue the feelings of neediness or pain in another person and to be present with them both emotionally and physically to validate the reality of their inner experiences through touch, empathy and caring support.

In addition, this includes nurturance and care giving when the person in a favorable emotional place as well as including the support of each other’s personal growth and autonomous exploration when not distressed.

As the RECEIVER:

     To acknowledge neediness and feelings of pain in oneself and then to be vulnerable to share this with another person and then to receive from them touch, validation, caring and support.    

The Problem in a nutshell:

“…romantic partners differ considerably in their willingness and ability to provide sensitive care to one another, and many intimate relationships fail to provide partners with the deep sense of emotional security that is necessary for optimal functioning.  After all, responding to the needs of others is often a difficult task that involves a good deal of responsibility, as well as a substantial amount of cognitive, emotional and sometimes tangible resources.  Not everyone is equally skilled at providing responsive support, nor equally motivated to do so (Collins, Dynamics of Romantic Love p.149).”

Each of the injured love styles has a different challenge in becoming the man or woman that God wants them to be.

Over the next four weeks, we will be looking at necessary growth steps that each injured love style will need to make in order to become a better nurturer and caregiver.

 Let us begin with the avoider love style… that is, those of us who tend to dismiss the emotions and needs of both themselves and others.

The Avoider:   The general growth goal will be to learn to initiate engagement with your spouse in the emotional, spiritual and physical arenas that are non-sexual in nature. 

Practice the following suggestions on a daily basis and you will be amazed at the difference you and your spouse will feel toward one another.  

• Observe and watch your spouse as they go through day-to-day activities.  Learn what they like to do and ask them questions about why they like to do certain things and what they feel as they do them. (Many avoiders do not even notice when someone walks into the room.) 

• Always greet / acknowledge your spouse and family members as they enter your presence.

• Be polite and inquire about their life and their feelings about life.

• Touch your spouse and children 5 times per day.

 (Statistics show that if servers in restaurants somehow “touch” the patron in an affirming manner, their tip will be higher.  This type of touch needs to be non-sexual in nature. )

(Pat their shoulder, stroke their hair, hold their hand, hug, snuggle, sit on lap, lovingly “groom” them  such as picking off lint, fixing their collar, straightening their tie, or pulling a hair from their nose (just kidding).)

• Look directly into their eyes 5 times per day and say aloud, “I love you.” Then, complement them for some emotional or internal quality or characteristic.

• Call them from the office (or from home) at least one time per day, inquire about their day and their emotional state, and ask how to pray for them.

• Share (take a risk) one internal thought and emotion per day with them about something that is bothering or exciting you and is not directly related to them.  Ask them to pray for you and request a hug from them.

• Your reward:  You will begin to feel and connect in a new and different way that will fill up your soul with comfort.  Your spouse will be less frustrated with you and will enjoy your presence.  Odds are.. sex will be more pleasurable and less of a “leap” toward intimacy both for you as well as for your spouse.

Discussion Question: “Are their ways you distract yourself from emotional pain so you won’t have to ‘need’ another person for emotional support and comfort?”

Keep growing!  God is willing to help you on your growing and healing journey so that your character more resembles our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:15).

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

The Pleaser’s growth goals toward becoming a better nurturer and caregiver.

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

How We Love Workshop
Registration & Host Contact Information: Our Savior Lutheran Church 4519 112th St. East, Tacoma, WA 98446 (253) 531-2112.  
Saturday 9 AM – 3 PM (Milan & Kay)
April 21, 2007 

How We Love,( a one hour presentation during a Family Night event) (Milan and Kay)
Presbyterian Church of the Master, Mission Viejo, CA
Contact Info: Church office @ 949-582-2670.
May 2, 2007

New Life Ministries, Healing Is A Choice, Couples Group Counselors, (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Dallas, Texas,
Info: www.newlife.com or 1-800-NEW-LIFE.
May 4-6, 2007

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :