Volume 21                                                                                                                             May 10, 2007

Hello Readers,

Here is an emotional question that we received from the contact page on our website: www.howwelove.com.

The Question:

I was raised a Christian and am still actively involved in my church.

Yet, with all these years of exposure....I still wonder:

“Is it really possible to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ?”

 I feel like I've tried many times to develop this relationship, and yet, I still view Jesus as a character in the stories I know from the bible or a picture on the wall. 

Somehow, I still don't know Jesus in a personal way.

Additionally, I find that I have significant trust issues and am disconnected from people in general.

So in an even broader sense I am wondering what a healthy relationship with anyone is really like. 

Is it really possible to experience closeness at all? 

This question from our web page really touched my heart.

For years as an avoider, I (Kay) felt much the same way. 

When I understood my imprint from my upbringing my spiritual struggles made more sense. 

First, I want to say to this reader, I hope you have read the book and understand your love style. 

Our love style affects all parts of our life including the spiritual. 

Just because we grow up in a Christian home does not guarantee we enter adulthood with a secure connection and an ability to trust others and God. 

We may have very moral, good parents who just don’t connect on an emotional level. 

We may have learned that feelings of sadness or anger or fear mean we are unspiritual, lack faith, and are “not trusting” God. 

Look to Jesus.

If we are going to be made into his image, we are going to FEEL. 

Jesus was full of feelings. 

Milan and I are always saddened by a question we ask in our seminars: 

“How many of you had Christian parents that grew and changed and also identified faults and shortcomings and made amends for their mistakes as parents? “

Less than 20% raise their hands! 

How tragic. 

I say to all you readers, purpose to live a life where your children can see growth and change in you. 

Reflect on your character and behavior so you can ask forgiveness for your mistakes and shortcomings. 

No one is a perfect parent. 

Visible growth is the hallmark of a Christian. 

Two other thoughts. 

Are you an introvert? 

Do you need alone, quiet time to recharge your batteries? 

Do you process your thoughts internally rather than “talk them through?”

Here is another question with a sad answer we ask to our workshop audiences. 

"How many of you who are introverts, feel you had parents who really knew your heart and took the time to really understand you on the inside?" 

Less that 5% answer that question positively! 

Most introverts feel isolated and unknown. 

Now, a second thought. 

Did you have birth trauma or early medical issues? 

Often, when a baby’s first experience is of unrelieved pain or isolation, the result is that early bonding is compromised. 

I talked to a man last weekend, born in the 50’s, prematurely at 26 weeks. 

In the 50’s they put such babies in an incubator and waited to see if they would live. 

The first 10 weeks of his life were spent this way. 

Isolated from human touch and stimulation so early helped create his imprint to avoid. 

So, ask about your early years.

What the solution? 

Connection begins with self refection…what do I feel and think? 

Then you must engage with another person and share what is inside you. 

A friend, group, counselor, any one you feel might be safe. 

If you don’t know anyone, make this a matter of prayer and start looking for a women’s group where honesty and vulnerability are apparent in the group dynamic. 

Personally, I (Kay) cannot believe how much closer I feel to God since I learned to feel and show and talk about my feelings with others. 

A healthy relationship is a safe place where both people can be honest and give and receive comfort. 

When conflict disrupts the connection, it can be resolved to the point that connection is repaired and relief is felt. 

In some cases differences are accepted. 

Below find a brief review of the most common Spiritual struggles for each love style.

Avoiders don’t feel close to God. 

They like doing tasks for God. 

Avoiders have a hard time asking for help, so while they pray for others, they rarely ask God for any personal need about their own pain. 

If they do risk asking, for them, unanswered prayer feels like a disconnection.  

When God is silent, Avoiders feel unseen and unimportant. 

Pleasers try to make God happy and when trials come, pleasers become anxious feeling they are doing something wrong.  

Pleasers believe if they are making God happy life will go smoothly. 

Saying no or setting limits seems unkind and unspiritual to a pleaser even though Jesus clearly modeled boundaries and has many people rejected him as a result. 

Vacillators often feel an intense spiritual high for a time after becoming a Christian. 

When disappointed by the church, pastor, other Christians or God, they struggle to integrate good and bad. 

Vacillators tend to feel angry when God does not “deliver.”

Controllers struggle to relinquish control feeling pain will surely be the result. 

It’s difficult for anyone who grew up in a chaotic home to really trust that God could love them unconditionally and have their best interests at heart. 

Victims have difficulty believing they are truly loveable and worth God’s devoted time and attention.

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

More relationship tips.

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :