Volume 22                                                                                                                             May 17, 2007

How to Choose a Good Therapist
 

Question:  I’m on the eighth session of marriage counseling and this is the first time

my husband and I have gotten this kind of help.  We don’t really know what to

expect, but it doesn’t seem like we are getting anywhere.  We fight in front of her

the same way we fight at home and she keeps saying, “Is this working for you?”  Or,

“I think you are too defensive to hear what he is saying.”  I know this already.  Is this how counseling is supposed to go?”

Milan and I are asked this question all the time.

 How do I pick a competent counselor? 

Here are some suggestions.

First of all, you are the consumer. 

Ask questions. 

Shop around. 

Try to work off referrals from people who have already been helped by the counselor you call. 

When you make phone contact, briefly explain your problem and ask the counselor to share how they would approach such an issue. 

Try and chat on the phone with at least three different counselors.

 Milan and I are biased, but here are some good questions to ask in the first phone contact or appointment.

1.  Are you more direct or indirect in your approach to working with individuals or couples?
 
Counselors come in many flavors and schools of thought.  Some are indirect believing,
“the answer is in you” and you will discover it if you have a safe place and a good listener.

 This type of counselor will take a more passive role letting you direct the topic and content of the session. 

This kind of therapist might be good for a person who always finds themselves “one down” in relationships being told what to do and how to think. 

In such a setting the client would have to learn to “take charge” and take responsibility for what they wish to focus on.

 A passive person might benefit from individual counseling with a more indirect approach. 

Other counselors are more “directive” with the mindset to give guidance, teaching,
insight and at times may have an agenda for the session when you come for your appointment.

 Our most common complaint from people (especially couples) who are unhappy with their counseling is this: 

“The counselor just sat there and I was never sure where we were going or what was supposed to happen.”

 When it comes to couples therapy Milan and I take a very directive approach.

We use the principles in our book to set the agenda and teach couples the root of their marriage struggle, regardless of the presenting issue. 

We use session time to practice (with guidance) listening, discovery of the childhood injuries that contribute to the marriage dynamic, holding and comforting.

We point out triggers (areas of over reactivity in the marriage dynamic) and tie them back to childhood feelings. 

If you are shopping for couples therapy, a directive approach is beneficial in our opinion.

2.  Do you look the past and assess development or do you just focus on present issues?

Milan and I are of the opinion that you should have a Ph.D in your spouse’s childhood. 

You will know, understand and have more compassion for yourself and your spouse if you gain insight about the strengths and weaknesses of your upbringing. 

Most of us reach adulthood lacking full maturity in some areas.  We need to develop and grow in certain areas.

 Understanding one’s background helps pinpoint these areas.

3.  Do you work with a couple together or in separate session?

Milan and I think it is imperative to see a couple together. 

The therapist missies the entire dynamic of how the couple relates when they are seen separately. 

While there may be a good reason to have one or two individual sessions, this should be the exception not the norm.

4.  How much experience do you have working with couples?

In our experience, there is a lot more competent individual therapist than there are couples therapists. 

Why?  Because it is a lot easier!

Many therapists don’t do a lot of couples work. 

It is OK to ask how much experience a therapist has. 

If they get defensive, that is definitely not a good sign.

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

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NEXT WEEK:

Next week I’ll give you some more tips on picking a good therapist. 

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :