Volume 23                                                                                                                             May 24, 2007

What is My Part in Getting the Most Out of Counseling?

Here are some more suggestion about getting the most out of therapy. 

Therapy is an investment of time and money.

There is no such thing as a perfect therapist with a magic wand. 

Like anything the more you put into it the more you will get out of it.

Today I’m giving you a few tips and next week I’ll give you some question to ask yourself to determine if you are with the right counselor.

Tip 1:  Focus on yourself and your growth.
 
Remember, YOU can only change YOU!! 

Whether you are in individual or couples therapy, don’t spend an entire session complaining about someone else.

Once your therapist understands the dynamics, this kind of complaining is a waste of time.  

You will gain a lot more by asking the counselor to help you identify and change your
part, the problems and struggles you face. 

You do have a part. 

If your partner has refused to participate in couples counseling, observing some stunning growth in you may be the ticket to having them join you in therapy. 

Tip 2:  It may get worse before it gets better.

 Change upsets the apple cart.

 Even if only one person changes, the dynamics of the relationship will change as well.

Change, even for the better is uncomfortable because it’s NEW. 

I tell clients, if you feel uncomfortable, good.  It is a good indication that you are growing and change is taking place.

 Usually the painful places in our relationships cause us misery.

Change is distressing too but it offers hope. 

Why not pick the productive pain and GROW? 

Tip 3:  Don’t wait until it is really bad to get help.

 Some of the most difficult couples I have worked with have been married for more than 18-20 years and should have gotten help long before they did. 

Bad patterns, habits and attitudes only get more entrenched. 

The sooner you get help the easier it is to change.

Resentment and bad attitudes build when problems go unresolved for a long time.

Tip 4:  Don’t give the lame excuse you don’t have the time or money to get help.

 Come on now, we make time and spend money on what is important to us.

 Everything is this world takes maintenance.

 Nothing stays shinny, new and in great working condition.

Maintenance is just a part of keeping something in good working condition. 

If we don’t take care of what we have we may end up having to replace it, whether its cars, homes, or relationships.

Often, people don’t attend our Saturday workshops because they “have a soccer game”. 

That is short sighted thinking.  

 When don’t you have something to do?

 Make an investment in your marriage. 

The kids will thank you for it.

 They would rather have happy parents than see you at every single game.

Getting help can be expensive, but divorce is way more costly than marriage counseling.    

The failure rate of second marriages is 72%. 

By the third marriage the statistics finally get better…about 32%. 

Why?  Did the right person finally appear?  No.

 People in my office on round three tell me…”I have to make it work this time.  I keep running into the same wall and I can see I’m a part of the problem.” 

Finally!  

If money is really tight, get our book

and do the corresponding workbook as a couple or as an individual.

 Do something!

Tip 5:  Practice at home.

Growth involves insight.  This is the fun part.

 Oh!!!  That explains why I do this or feel a certain way. 

Insights are the Ahhh  Hahhs!  You should get some of those with the help of your therapist. 

Growth also involves learning and practicing new skills.

 A couple can do a great job of listening in my office, but if they never practice at home they won’t get very far. 

If you don’t know what you should be practicing at home, ask your therapist:

 “What is the most important thing I could be doing outside this office to foster my personal growth?” 

If you are not in therapy, there are plenty of ideas about things to practice in the How We Love Workbook. 

What will you be practicing this week?

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

Next week: "Common Problems for Each of the Love Styles in Therapy"

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :

Thanks to all of you for your support.