Volume 24                                                                                                                             May 31, 2007

“Am I with the Right Counselor?”

Having gone myself to eight different therapists, I wish I had had some of the advice
back then I can offer now. 

Unfortunately, there are some very bad therapists mixed in with some fair therapists and then there are some very good counselors.

 Here are some questions to ask yourself.

Do I find myself feeling safe to explore yet at the same time challenged to grow?

A safe environment and a good connection with your therapist are both crucial to a good outcome in therapy. 

Safety to explore your deep feelings, secrets, and dark places is important.

Safety should not mean you are coddled and never challenged to face your shortcomings and grow. 

If your therapist never confronts you in a loving way or points out areas that need growth that is a problem. 

Do I feel a sense of competence from my therapist?  Does it feel like they know what they are doing?

Notice I did not say:  “Does your counselor solve all your problems for you?” 

Your therapist is a guide and your appointment time is a place to practice new skills and experience some of what you missed growing up.

 For the most part, you should feel your counselor is capable of helping you make progress.

 From time to time, ask your therapist to review your progress and remind you of the big picture of where you are headed in your work together. 

Did you think your counselor was great and now you feel annoyed or dissatisfied in the same way you felt annoyed or dissatisfied with one of your parents?  (For example, your therapist feels just like your dad…uncaring, too busy, inattentive, distracted, etc)? 

Sometimes, if you have been in individual therapy a while you will experience something with your counselor called transference. 

This means the old feelings you had with your parents are now arising with your therapist. 
 
What annoys you?

What disappoints you? 

Is it the same thing that annoyed you with your parents? 

If so, now is the time to talk about it. 

It can be very healing to get these feeling and reactions into the open and talk about them. 

Most likely you could not do that as a kid.

Hopefully your therapist will understand your feelings of dissatisfaction are about the present and the past and will help you see the connection.

If you don’t talk about this you will remain stuck. 

What if something is bothering me about therapy itself?

A woman approached me recently complaining about a therapist I had referred her to.  

She told me her complaint:  “The counselor and I talked about some important childhood events in my life when my husband couldn’t attend and the therapist did not even bring up the content of our session the next week when my husband was at the session.

I want a new referral she said. 

I asked her if she raised her concerns in the session telling the therapist she wanted to review the previous session with her husband present. 

 The woman told me, “I don’t think I should have to tell her.”  (The therapist should just know.)

 I encouraged her, “Not only is it appropriate, it is essential that you can talk about something you do not like or do not think is going well in your therapy. 

Your therapist should be able to hear this without defensiveness and make adjustments or explain their methods and rationale for their approach. 

Common Problems for Each of the Love Styles in Therapy

Avoiders: Want to avoid discussing their past saying, “It was fine.”

They may be annoyed when asked to identify feelings. 

When asked to explore emotions or try something uncomfortable, avoiders do better if given logical explanations as to the goals and methods for making progress and are reminded of the big picture routinely. 

Avoiders hate feeling inadequate (which they will feel a lot in therapy) and need reminders of what they missed as kids and how that is related to their current struggles.

Pleasers:  Try to be the best client ever and have difficulty disagreeing with the therapist or not complying. 

Pleasers need to work on boundaries and speaking their mind, even with their therapist. 

As with everyone, pleasers want to make their therapist happy.

Vacillators:  Vacillators tend to idealize a therapist at first believing they are the answer to their problems. 

Over time, disappointments tend to make the therapist “all bad” and the vacillator may quit therapy in a huff. 

Vacillators feel deeply rejected when confronted by the therapist about their part in relational struggles.

 When confronted, vacillators quickly feel “all bad” a miserable feeling that makes them feel flawed and unwanted. 

They get rid of this feeling by making others “all bad” and feel angry that others make them feel so bad. 

Accepting feedback and sticking with the process is important for the vacillator.

Controllers:  Controllers often challenge the therapist authority feeling threatened by giving anyone else any kind of power.

 They may intimidate and test the therapist boundaries.

 I connect with controllers by helping them understand how the painful childhood experiences are at the root of the current anger they feel. 

Getting to the grief will be the most important challenge for the controller.

Victims:  Victim as so use to living without hope they don’t often expect much from therapy.

 They need lots of encouragement that small changes can make a big difference.  Of course, safety is the first concern. 

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

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NEXT WEEK:

More valuable relationship tips to help you.

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

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We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

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review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

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Thanks to all of you for your support.