Volume 25                                                                                                                            June 07, 2007

Differentiation vs. Annihilation
First in a four part series.

According to the New Milan Dictionary:

Differentiation:  “To distinguish oneself as different from another.”

Annihilation:  “To make something go away as though it didn’t exist.”

So… this week, my daughter Amy told her four-year-old son Reece, “We’re going to Nana and Poppy’s for dinner.” 

He was quiet and then said, “I don’t like going to Poppy’s, he kisses me too much.” 

At first, I was hurt, yet within a few moments of collecting myself I said to Amy, “Cool, I’ll adapt to his desires which are different than mine.”

Let’s go back a few decades. 

My father was the son of an immigrant whose practice was to hug and kiss family and friends on the cheek as a greeting or to say goodbye.  

Until the day he died, I still kissed my dad on the cheek every time we met or departed. 

My mother was a Midwest small town girl whose family called kisses “sugars” and when my aunts saw me coming, they would extract at least ten or fifteen sugars from each cheek. 

“Train up a child in the way which he should go?” (Proverbs 22:6)?” 

For this kid, I was trained to be a kisser of those I love. 

As a dad, I of course incorporated kissing into all forms of play and wrestling with my four children. 

As the kids rode on my back around the living room I would stop and say, “Kisses make the horsie go”. 

They would then laugh, lean over and give me a few kisses, which like a token at Chuck E. Cheese would start the ride all over again. 

All of my grown children give each other kisses, and even my sons and I will kiss, even in public, when we say hello or goodbye.   
 
Let’s just say then that kissing in the Yerkovich family is as common and second nature as breathing, eating and sleeping. 

So what do I do with Reece’s request? 

If I allow him to be different from me, I will honor his request and adapt to the fact that he wishes to distinguish himself as having other preferences, likes and dislikes. 

I could choose to annihilate his personhood and individuality by insisting that he conform to my preferences, wishes, likes and dislikes. 

“This is the Yerkovich Way, it is sacred and he will have to adapt to me.  I’M the Poppy!”  

He’s four and I’m fifty something. 

What does he know? 

I’m right, and he’s wrong.

Sadly, many family systems and marriages toxically annihilate one another on a regular basis. 

Few family systems and marriages allow and celebrate other’s being different. 

Whether its politics, colors on the living room walls, how the dishwasher is loaded or a desk organized, we all have a tendency to insist that others think, do, feel and say the same way that we do. 

What is the effect? 

People are lost in the process. 

Gifts are not developed, adult voices never mature, talents are not cultivated, and dreams are never realized. 

What does occur as a result is resentment, bitterness, anger, weakness and disconnection. 

In a marriage, if one person dominates, the other is eclipsed.

They cease to exist. 

They have been annihilated. 

What causes this?

The simple answer is insecurity.

Whose insecurity? 

There is a lack of security on the parts of both people. 

For the one who must make other’s opinions and actions “go away”, their anxiety causes them to be unable to tolerate differences because they threaten their fragile inner world and cause them to be frightened in some way. 

For the one whose personhood is being erased, they struggle with internal fears to speak up and be heard so that they are not invisible. 

They are afraid of the wrath and ire of another’s disapproval. 

Over the next four weeks, we will examine further the origins of the insecurity that prevents us from allowing ourselves and others to fully develop and mature into the person that God desires. 

We will also look at each of the love styles and their specific struggles with differentiation. 

And lastly, we will look at the solutions toward healing for all of us who struggle with this common problem. 

Oh, what happened with Reece at Poppy’s house? 

We played, had a hug or two and I gave him a “high five’ when he went out the door. 

We were both secure enough to allow there to be differences in our relationship.

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

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NEXT WEEK:

Second installment of this four part series.

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

Look for details on how you can attend one of our "How We Love" seminars from the comfort of your own home in the upcoming newsletters.

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

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We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

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