Volume 26                                                                                                                            June 14, 2007

Differentiation vs. Annihilation
Second in a four part series.

According to the New Milan Dictionary:

Differentiation:  “To distinguish oneself as different from another.”

Annihilation:  “To make something go away as though it didn’t exist.”

Healthy relationships and secure connection is characterized by a freedom felt by both partners be an individual. 

Secure connection means we celebrate each partner or child being entitled to live up to their uniqueness and to have their own individual flare. 

If I’m securely bonded, I can tolerate and allow others to think, act and feel differently about life and love than me. 

As soon as I begin to disallow difference, the extinction of my partner begins and eventually, they are annihilated.    

Last week we learned that “Sadly, many family systems and marriages toxically annihilate one another on a regular basis. 

Few family systems and marriages allow and celebrate other’s being different. 

Whether its politics, colors on the living room walls, how the dishwasher is loaded or a desk organized, we all have a tendency to insist that others think, do, feel and say the same way that we do.” 

We also learned last week that insecurity  was the cause for people being so controlling over others, whether as parents or as married partners.

We said, “There is a lack of security on the parts of both people. 

For the one who must make other’s opinions and actions “go away”, their anxiety causes them to be unable to tolerate differences because they threaten their fragile inner world and cause them to be frightened in some way. 

For the one whose personhood is being erased, they struggle with internal fears to speak up and be heard so that they are not invisible. 
They are afraid of the wrath and ire of another’s disapproval.”

So, what is the origin of our insecurities? 

Of course, the ultimate answer is sin … “a missing of the mark”. 

We all fall short (Romans 3:23; 6:23), and if we are honest with ourselves, we feel tenuous and apprehensive about life, love and relationship. 

Yet, before we became adults, our parents influenced us and gave us our first “love lessons” which were the tipping point in our early lives. 

We were either tipped toward security if we had A or B moms and dads or we were tipped toward insecurity if our parents got a C, D or F in the parenting department.

We’re all insecure in some way and no parent is perfect, yet some parents are more inept than others, which is directly proportionally to their own injurious childhoods.

What are the key mistakes that these early programmers make in their parenting? 

It is often one of two extremes…  “enmeshment” or “unavailability”. 

For some of us, our parents were both.

What is enmeshment? 

It is a state of intrusion into another’s life. 

Too close, in your face or no breathing room.

“See me, hear me, pay attention to me, don’t leave me, tell me everything, stay close, do what I say.” 

A client recently said, “I loved my little child so much, I wanted to just kiss them and kiss them and suck them dry.”

Yuck!

Cannibalistic! 

One parent I watched on a TV show actually went to school with the child as much as she could and while every other mom sat on the bench and watched their children play on the climbing equipment at the park, she would be climbing and hovering over her child’s every step.   

He couldn’t move without her ever-watchful gaze. 

To her she was just being loving and caring. 

In reality, she was creating a cripple.

The child in turn becomes enmeshed with the parent and becomes a caretaker of their emotions… carefully observing the moods and attitudes of the parent and doing everything possible to ease the distress of the mom or dad.  

The end result is that the child never learns to develop their own coping skills or stress responses that allow for self-soothing. 

Instead of being free to contemplate God, one’s own soul as well as other people, interests and education, each is insecurely gazing at the other, anxiously waiting, wondering and guessing.

The process of annihilation of the child has begun. 

What happens when this child grows up and gets married? 

Not too hard to figure out. 

So, are you going to become a transitional generation to break the cycle? 

Be encouraged! 

God is a redemptive God who wishes to transform us with each obedient step that we take (Romans 12:1-2).

Love and blessings,
Milan and Kay

For further information on how this relates to you - check out Dr. Henry Cloud's GREAT book:

Section 2, Learning to Separate from Others in Dr. Cloud's book will give you more detail on how to cope with these problems.

To get your own copy of our book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

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NEXT WEEK:
Third installment of this four part series.

How distancing and unavailability of the parent causes relational injuries and insecurities, which sabotage healthy bonding and differentiation.

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

We apologize for the delay in getting you the information on how you can have the opportunity to actually attend one of our "How We Love" seminars - without having to be there in person. We will be putting our seminar on DVD and it will be available to you soon.

Look for the information on how you can learn from us and have a postive impact on your valuable relationships from the comfort of your own home in our next newsletter!!

We are also coming out with an audio outline for our book "How We Love". Look for further information in the next newsletter!!!

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

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If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

Friday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Seattle, WA, Cedar Park Church, Bothell WA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
 Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.  
June 15, 2007

Thursday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
Washington, DC, McLean Bible Church, VA (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn)
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
July 26, 2007

New Life Cruise, Canada and New England.
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 22-29, 2007
 
Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Relationships Reframed”
 Boston, Mass., location to be announced (Milan and Kay and Steve Arterburn).
Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
Sept. 29, 2007
 

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :

Thanks to all of you for your support.