Volume 35                                                                                                                         August 16 , 2007

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)
Part 1
Introduction:

            God’s goal for marriage is a bond of love between husband and wife with the subsequent formulation of a new and independent family unit that stands accountable to God.

            Satan’s desire is to destroy all of God’s purposes and designs. 

This coupled with the waywardness of our flesh and the corruption of the world makes the marriage unit very susceptible to disruption, decay, and divorce.

Some of the leading causes of marital strife and discord are:

• Materialism, spending & financial differences.

• Differences in belief and devotion to God.

• Child rearing differences.

• Inadequate communication and relational skills.

• Sexual tensions.

• Not appreciating or understanding personality differences.

• Lack of awareness of love styles (attachment injuries) that make bonding difficult.

• Failure to differentiate from parents which leads to extended family conflict.

It is this last point, “parent, family, and in-law conflict,” which I will be addressing within this study. 

While many books can be found on most of the major points, less is devoted to the issue of “leaving and cleaving” or learning to leave your parents and the gravitational field of their influence.

A key problem facing all married couples is the interference and or domination by parents or siblings upon the married couple and / or an excessive dependence by one or both of married couple upon their parents. 

Furthermore, as we mature and watch our children leave the nest; many of us struggle with letting our own children leave the nest and engage in adult life.  

If we don’t squarely face the need to grow up and differentiate from our parents, we will never grow into a mature adult who can speak as a peer to our parents as well as tolerate their disapproval should we choose a course that differs from their choices.  

If we fail to individuate successfully from our parents, it will adversely affect the ability to bond with one’s spouse as well as become the family unit that God designed.

Key Biblical Text: 

“Have you not read… For this cause man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.” “Consequently they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate (Matthew 19:5-6 & Genesis 2:24).”

The world “leave” carries the idea of “to depart or separate away from the influence of another.”

The word “cleave” means to glue, weld, or bond together. 

Thus, Jesus Christ said that we need to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse.

   This is the leaving of one family unit and the formulation of a new independent unit that is accountable to God directly (I Corinthians 11:1-3).

Both young adults and their parents need to learn to let their grown children move on to this new position before God.

     The new relationship to parent then becomes an elective choice as an adult peer…learning to relate at the same level, with independence emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

If there is still a strong emotional dependency on either side, then there will be unhealthy discord as well as a failure to reach one’s highest potential as a human being as well as a servant of God.  

As we address this area, then let each of us ask these questions:

1. Have I learned to leave my parents and cleave to my spouse?

2. Do I have a healthy adult relationship with my parents and family?

3. Have I let go of my grown children?

In our study, we will see that learning to “leave” our parents as well as “cleave” to our spouses is both seen in the life of Christ with his own family as well as His teaching about family in His adult ministry.

JESUS’ CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT AND LEAVING OF HIS OWN FAMILY:

Luke 2:39-51-52:

Much of Jesus’ childhood is not known because scripture does not expand upon that time of His life.

This passage however, deals with the child Jesus at the age of twelve in an incident that describes the embryonic stages of His leaving of His own family to pursue His independent adult ministry and mission.

He separates from his family’s travel caravan and stays in Jerusalem in the temple to discuss theology with the religious leaders. 

Upon finally being discovered by a worried mother and father, he was rebuked for a three-day delay as well as worry on the parent’s part.

Jesus remarks, “Why is it that you were looking for me?

Did you not know that I had to be in my Father’s house?”

Here we see a sense of “destiny” in the young boy. 

His statement, which implies a physical, emotional, and spiritual involvement in the affairs of His Heavenly Father, intimidated that His heavenly priorities superseded His earthly ones.

At that moment, His own family’s physical, and emotional comfort, and family structure was disrupted or set aside for His heavenly calling.

The balance of Christ’s development until age thirty is obscure and the only insight we have is that “Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and men.”

Matt 3:13-17(cf. Luke 3:21-22):

At the Baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist as a grown adult,  we see the pivot point in His life with respect to His breaking away from His family for the purpose of independent adult ministry.

At his baptism, the Heavenly Father speaks from heaven as the Holy Spirit comes upon Him and says,” Thou art my beloved Son, in Thee I am well pleased.”

From this point on, Jesus carries Himself as a grown adult who then relates to His family on a voluntary bases on an adult level as a peer, not as a grown child who is bound to the family infrastructure of the preceding thirty years.

Luke 4:1-13 (cf. Matt. 4:1-11; Mark 1:12-13):

After his baptism, He was compelled to go into the wilderness for forty days for the purpose of suffering, facing temptation, and fighting the forces of Satan. 

This was a solo event without the aid or support of the family. 

He learned a healthy “independent dependency” upon God, which in fact could not have been learned with the interferences from family member’s actions, feelings, or opinions. 

Thus, we see the evolution of the healthy movement away from family influence, taking place in the life of Christ for the sake of godly personal growth.

John 2:1-11: 

At the wedding at Cana, we see this “new” adult Jesus for the first time again with His family. 

We see a different way of relating to His mother than he had probably related in the past. 

When the host ran out of wine, Jesus’ mother approached Him and said, “They have no wine,” Jesus responded, “Woman, what do I have to do with you? My hour has not yet come.” 

Mary, trying to help her friends in an uncomfortable situation, goes to her oldest Son (Joseph is probably dead at this time) to ask for help for the Wedding Host. 

She puts the mundane, yet important problem before Jesus, with the expectation that He would do something for her upon her request. 

He ultimately does comply with her desires, yet it is not done until he establishes two very important conditions. 

First, He made it clear that He was an independent adult in his reference to her as “woman,” which was a term that an adult male would employ toward any other woman which he might address(cf. John 4:21).

Secondly, he made it clear that He was dedicated to a separate and distinct “life agenda” than His mother as evidenced by his comment, “What do I have to do with you, My hour has not yet come.”

This phrase “My hour” refers to the pinnacle of His earthly ministry upon which he had just previously embarked, as which point he would accomplish God’s divine redemptive plan for all of mankind. 

He was making it clear that nothing was going to dissuade Him from the urgency and primacy of “that” task, even at the expense of an embarrassed wedding host. 

Once establishing these two basic conditions, He then voluntarily complies with her request and performs His first miracle.

…to be continued.

Blessings, Milan and Kay 

Check out these recommended books:

Healing is a Choice By Stephen Arterburn / Thomas Nelson Do you want to get well? If you've been waiting for God to heal you - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - you must choose to let your hurt go. In Healing Is a Choice, you are offered ten choices crucial for receiving healing. Take hold of your future and begin the process to wholeness today!

Boundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan Corp. Sure, kids need boundaries...but husbands and wives? Cloud and Townsend say "Absolutely!" They'll show you that respecting your spouse's personal "territory" can actually strengthen your relationship. Discover how to keep your marriage safe from intruders such as idols, affairs, other people...even well-meaning parents.

How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan How People Grow reveals why all growth is spiritual growth and how you can grow in ways you never thought possible. Unpacking the practical and passionate theology that forms the backbone of their counseling, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend shatter popular misconceptions about how God operates to reveal how growth really happens.

Mere Christianity/The Screwtape Letters Collection By C.S. Lewis / Zondervan/harpersanfrancisco Need a faith-building gift for somebody with impeccable taste? You can't go wrong with these enduring classics by the beloved author of The Chronicles of Narnia! Two slipcased hardcovers.

To get your own copy of our book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

Next week we continue with part two of:

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

We apologize for the delay in getting you the information on how you can have the opportunity to actually attend one of our "How We Love" seminars - without having to be there in person. We will be putting our seminar on DVD and it will be available to you soon.

Look for the information on how you can learn from us and have a postive impact on your valuable relationships from the comfort of your own home in our next newsletter!!

We will soon have the opportunity to offer you an incredible mp3 audio entitled - "How We Love...More Fully " an inspirational and memorable series of two sermons by Milan which were recorded live. Milan gives you specific and easily followed steps to accomplish what God is asking all of us to do - Love More Fully. Look for further information in the next newsletter!!!

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

September 7-8, 2007
How We Love Marriage Workshop, Parker, CO
Southeast Christian Church
9650 Jordan Road
Parker, CP 80134
Info: www.sechristian.org or (303)841-9292

Sept. 22-29, 2007 New Life Cruise, Canada and New England. Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
 
Sept. 29, 2007 Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Radio Rally”, Boston, MA. Location to be announced (New Life Radio Team). Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.

January 18-20, 2008
Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008
Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.