Volume 36                                                                                                                         August 23 , 2007

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)
Part 2

It can really be a challenging to successfully forge ahead into mature adulthood where I become a peer to my parents and sense a destiny apart from them. 

From past newsletters, we learned that this is called “differentiation”. 

To become a fully distinct individual, is called “individuation”. 

While the words cannot be found in the Bible, these concepts are far from psychobabble, they are distinctly taught in the scriptures as well as modeled in the life of Jesus Christ. 

Let’s do a quick review and learn more from the Savior about His growth into autonomous adulthood.  

Key Biblical Text: 

“Have you not read… For this cause man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.” “Consequently they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate (Matthew 19:5-6 & Genesis 2:24).”

The world “leave” carries the idea of “to depart or separate away from the influence of another.”

The word “cleave” means to glue, weld, or bond together. 

Thus, Jesus Christ said that we need to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse.

            This is the leaving of one family unit and the formulation of a new independent unit that is accountable to God directly (I Corinthians 11:1-3).

Both young adults and their parents need to learn to let their grown children move on to this new position before God.

The new relationship to parent then becomes an elective choice as an adult peer…learning to relate at the same level, with independence emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

If there is still a strong emotional dependency on either side, then there will be unhealthy dependence and discord as well as a failure to reach one’s highest potential as a human being as well as a servant of God. 

As we address this area, then let each of us ask these questions:

1. Have I learned to leave my parents and cleave to my spouse?
2. Do I have a healthy adult relationship with my parents and family?
3. Have I let go of my grown children?  

In our study, we will see that learning to “leave” our parents as well as “cleave” to our spouses is both seen in the life of Christ with his own family as well as His teaching about family in His adult ministry. 

John 2:12-17:   In this passage, Jesus is still traveling, associating and living with His family for a few days. 

It is interesting to note that He also has His own disciples along with Him, which would indicate that He thus viewed Himself clearly as a Rabbi/ Teacher. 

Historically, these Rabbis would have bands of followers who would trail them wherever they would go. 

Evidently, not only He viewed himself as their teacher, but they did also. 

This band of followers we shall note later becomes a point of taunting for His unbelieving and unsupportive brothers.

After the presumed rest and visit with His family, He and His disciples went up to Jerusalem to celebrate the Passover Feast. 

While it is quite possible that He could have traveled with His family over the seventy mile distance, in that it was common for people to travel in large caravans, it become quite clear that He was pursuing His own agenda (Father and Spirit inspired) when He walked into the Temple area. 

With no thought of His earthly family’s opinion or approval, He “cleanses the temple” by making a scourge of leather thongs and driving out moneychangers along with all of the animals. 

“Take these things away; stop making My Father’s house a house of merchandise.” 

The text goes on to comment that His disciples remembered the Old Testament prophecy “Zeal for Thy House will consume Me.”

After voluntarily “associating” with His family on His terms, He abruptly differentiates and individuates from them to return to His divine adult agenda and purpose for living to which God had called Him. 

John 7:1-9:    Having returned back to Galilee, due to death threats in Jerusalem,      
another feast was coming up, which would require the attendance the devout Jew in Jerusalem. 

It was the feast of Booths, which was a commemoration of the provision of God as they remembered their ancestors living in tents in the wilderness for forty years. 

Realizing the conflict that the threat of death and required attendance would evoke, Jesus’ unbelieving and unsupportive brothers seized the opportunity and began to taunt and heckle their sibling.  The text reads as follows:

“His brothers therefore said to Him, ‘Depart from here, and go into Judea that Your disciples also may behold Your works which You are doing.  For no one does anything in secret when he himself seeks to be known publicly.  If you do these things, show yourself to the world.’ 

For not even His brothers were believing in Him.

Jesus therefore said to them, ‘My time is not yet at hand; but your time is always opportune.  The world cannot hate you; but it hates Me, because I testify of it, that its deeds are evil.  Go up to the feast yourselves; I do not go to this feast because My time has not yet fully come.’ 

And having said these things to them, He stayed in Galilee.  But when His brothers had gone up to the feast, then He Himself also went up. Not publicly, but as it were, in secret.”

Thus, “sibling rivalry” was even present in the life of Jesus by His brothers. 

Here we see several interesting points in the development of Jesus “leaving” of His family. 

First, He was willing to confront His brothers in a rather abrupt and yet truthful way. 

He was willing to “speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another (Ephesians 4:25).” 

The second thing we note is that He was willing to separate and thus initiated distance between Himself and His brothers for the purpose of fulfilling His own plans and divinely inspired calendar. 
Lastly, it is significant to observe that He was willing to break coveted “family tradition” by not traveling with the family caravan, and subsequently traveling without family under secret cover.

We can clearly see then, that Jesus remained undaunted with respect to approval, acceptance, and family harmony, when it came to purposes, which He knew God wanted Him to accomplish. 

The powerful will of the family, which we all find so hard to resist, did not prevail in the life of Christ. 

He did not waver and determined that family pressure would not be allowed to supersede divine goals.

Practically speaking however, and in defense of the brothers and sisters, how would you like to have your brother stand up in a crowd and say, “I am the way, the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father but through Me.” 

Eventually they all came around, yet at the beginning of Jesus public ministry, they were skeptics as I’m sure we might all be. 

Question from a reader: 

“I’m an adult married male in my 40’s and anytime I disagree with my Mother and don’t do it her way, she always throws ‘Honor your Father and Mother’ in my face.  Doesn’t leaving and cleaving contradict honoring them?”

This a great question and we will give you the Biblical answer next week!

…to be continued.

Thanks and Love,
Milan and Kay

Check out these recommended books:

Healing is a Choice By Stephen Arterburn / Thomas Nelson Do you want to get well? If you've been waiting for God to heal you - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - you must choose to let your hurt go. In Healing Is a Choice, you are offered ten choices crucial for receiving healing. Take hold of your future and begin the process to wholeness today!

Boundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan Corp. Sure, kids need boundaries...but husbands and wives? Cloud and Townsend say "Absolutely!" They'll show you that respecting your spouse's personal "territory" can actually strengthen your relationship. Discover how to keep your marriage safe from intruders such as idols, affairs, other people...even well-meaning parents.

How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan How People Grow reveals why all growth is spiritual growth and how you can grow in ways you never thought possible. Unpacking the practical and passionate theology that forms the backbone of their counseling, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend shatter popular misconceptions about how God operates to reveal how growth really happens.

Mere Christianity/The Screwtape Letters Collection By C.S. Lewis / Zondervan/harpersanfrancisco Need a faith-building gift for somebody with impeccable taste? You can't go wrong with these enduring classics by the beloved author of The Chronicles of Narnia! Two slipcased hardcovers.

To get your own copy of our book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

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NEXT WEEK:

Next week we continue with part three of:

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

We apologize for the delay in getting you the information on how you can have the opportunity to actually attend one of our "How We Love" seminars - without having to be there in person. We will be putting our seminar on DVD and it will be available to you soon.

Look for the information on how you can learn from us and have a postive impact on your valuable relationships from the comfort of your own home in our next newsletter!!

We will soon have the opportunity to offer you an incredible mp3 audio entitled - "How We Love...More Fully " an inspirational and memorable series of two sermons by Milan which were recorded live. Milan gives you specific and easily followed steps to accomplish what God is asking all of us to do - Love More Fully. Look for further information in the next newsletter!!!

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

September 7-8, 2007
How We Love Marriage Workshop, Parker, CO
Southeast Christian Church
9650 Jordan Road
Parker, CP 80134
Info: www.sechristian.org or (303)841-9292

Sept. 22-29, 2007 New Life Cruise, Canada and New England. Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
 
Sept. 29, 2007 Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Radio Rally”, Boston, MA. Location to be announced (New Life Radio Team). Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.

January 18-20, 2008
Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008
Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.