Volume 37                                                                                                                         August 30, 2007

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)
Part 3

It can really be a challenging to successfully forge ahead into mature adulthood where I become a peer to my parents and sense a destiny apart from them. 

From past newsletters, we learned that this is called “differentiation”. 

To become a fully distinct individual, is called “individuation”. 

While the words cannot be found in the Bible, these concepts are far from psychobabble, they are distinctly taught in the scriptures as well as modeled in the life of Jesus Christ. 

Let’s do a quick review and learn more from the Savior about His growth into autonomous adulthood. 

Key Biblical Text: 

“Have you not read… For this cause man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.” “Consequently they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate (Matthew 19:5-6 & Genesis 2:24).”

The world “leave” carries the idea of “to depart or separate away from the influence of another.”

The word “cleave” means to glue, weld, or bond together. 

Thus, Jesus Christ said that we need to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse.

This is the leaving of one family unit and the formulation of a new independent unit that is accountable to God directly (I Corinthians 11:1-3).

Both young adults and their parents need to learn to let their grown children move on to this new position before God.

The new relationship to parent then becomes an elective choice as an adult peer…learning to relate at the same level, with independence emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

If there is still a strong emotional dependency on either side, then there will be unhealthy dependence and discord as well as a failure to reach one’s highest potential as a human being as well as a servant of God. 

Let’s learn more from the life of Christ and His journey into adulthood!

Matthew 12:46-50 see also Matt 13:1, John 3:31-36, Luke 8:19-21:  In these passages, Jesus indicated that His family identity was with his followers, and not with His family of origin. 

It appears that they were trying to get His attention or call Him away from His ministry responsibilities. 

He never did come to them at their request when it interfered with His plans and purposes. 

He said that His followers were His new family (Mother, brothers and sisters).

John 17:   In the High Priestly Prayer of Christ, Jesus said to the Father, that He
had accomplished or finished the “work” that the Father had given Him to accomplish in His public ministry on earth. 

He could not have accomplished this work, had His life’s actions and agenda been dictated by family harmony and approval.

Luke 22:   The night before He was crucified and died at the Passover meal (The Last Supper), He was not with His mother, brothers and sisters sorrowfully saying His goodbyes. 

Rather, He is with His twelve disciples, the new group of Church leaders (except Judas) who would become Apostles who would lead the church in His absence, establish verbal authority by attesting miracles and ultimately pen the New Testament under the guidance and inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

John 19:25-27   Jesus does not abandon His true responsibility to His family as He
tenderly cares for His mother’s future provision has He hung of the cross. 

In this    encounter, He tells Mary that John shall be her son (provider) and that she shall be his mother. 

True maturity and adult independence never negates God given “commands” or “directives.” 

As we shall see in a later section, the Christian does have a responsibility to provide and care for aging parents. 

It is interesting to note that although Jesus’ brothers and sisters were still alive, His trust and deep friendship with the Apostle John moved Him to ask John to care for His mother after He died.

Acts 1:14   Ultimately at the end of His life, we see Jesus’ mother Mary, brothers and sisters (presumably) becoming believers and viewed Him as Israel’s long awaited Savior and Messiah who died for their sins and provided eternal salvation to them.

We note that many of them were involved in the early church and the finished work of Christ on the cross, could only have been accomplished because they as His family of origin were forced to accommodate to Christ’s life goals and not He to theirs.

What do we learn from the example of Jesus Christ with respect to Him differentiating and individuating from His family of origin?

• While Jesus remained unmarried as an adult and didn’t “leave and cleave” to a spouse per se, He did leave his family of origin to become an independent, mature adult.
• He was free from the gravitational field of His family as to be able to pursue His own life’s goals and ministry. 
• Yet, he also voluntarily associated with His Mother, brothers and sisters (Matthew 13:56, Mark 6:3) for the purpose of fulfilling family responsibility and fellowship as He desired or determined as necessary.
• His adult ministry was driven by a divine destiny and intimate relationship with His Heavenly Father as they (along with the Holy Spirit) carried out the Kingdom plan that was determined before the foundation of the world and revealed through the Old Testament prophets.

Do you remember the question from a reader that I shared in last week’s newsletter? 

“I’m an adult married male in my 40’s and anytime I disagree with my Mother and don’t do it her way, she always throws ‘Honor your Father and Mother’ in my face. 
Doesn’t leaving and cleaving contradict honoring them?”

This a great question and unfortunately this concept is highly misunderstood. 

It would be easier if we could all read Greek, which was the language in which the New Testament was written. 

In Colossians 3:20 and Ephesians 6:1-3, the instruction to “obey” and “honor” your parents is directed to children. 

It is the Greek word teknon that means a little child. 

And of course, that makes sense… “Obey your parents!”  Our 40 year old asking the question is certainly not a child, so the passage does not apply to him and his mother is incorrectly interpreting the text. 
Leaving and cleaving therefore necessitates that we no longer following the commands and instruction of parents.

…to be continued.

Love, thanks and blessings,
Milan and Kay

Check out these recommended books:

Healing is a Choice By Stephen Arterburn / Thomas Nelson Do you want to get well? If you've been waiting for God to heal you - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually - you must choose to let your hurt go. In Healing Is a Choice, you are offered ten choices crucial for receiving healing. Take hold of your future and begin the process to wholeness today!

Boundaries in Marriage By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan Corp. Sure, kids need boundaries...but husbands and wives? Cloud and Townsend say "Absolutely!" They'll show you that respecting your spouse's personal "territory" can actually strengthen your relationship. Discover how to keep your marriage safe from intruders such as idols, affairs, other people...even well-meaning parents.

How People Grow: What the Bible Reveals about Personal Growth By Dr. Henry Cloud / Zondervan How People Grow reveals why all growth is spiritual growth and how you can grow in ways you never thought possible. Unpacking the practical and passionate theology that forms the backbone of their counseling, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend shatter popular misconceptions about how God operates to reveal how growth really happens.

Mere Christianity/The Screwtape Letters Collection By C.S. Lewis / Zondervan/harpersanfrancisco Need a faith-building gift for somebody with impeccable taste? You can't go wrong with these enduring classics by the beloved author of The Chronicles of Narnia! Two slipcased hardcovers.

To get your own copy of our book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

NEXT WEEK:

Next week we continue with part four of:

“Learning To Leave Your Parents!”
(Relating to them as an adult.)

Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???"

While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. - (not to mention the rest of the universe).

So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us.

Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!!

We apologize for the delay in getting you the information on how you can have the opportunity to actually attend one of our "How We Love" seminars - without having to be there in person. We will be putting our seminar on DVD and it will be available to you soon.

Look for the information on how you can learn from us and have a postive impact on your valuable relationships from the comfort of your own home in our next newsletter!!

Love,
Milan and Kay

NOW YOU CAN WATCH MILAN AND KAY IN ACTION!!

Check out our website: www.howwelove.com and click the

"Video - Milan and Kay Talk About How We Love" link.

You will be taken to a page where you can view a video about our book and another video of one of our Television appearances.

Please be patient - the video about our book takes less than a minute to load, the TV interview takes approximately 2 minutes or more to load.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

If you have already taken our survey - THANK YOU!! You people are GREAT!!!

We are getting some VERY good and useful information that we will use to help us write our book!!!

We hope that you enjoyed our previously unpublished document The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

If you have not yet taken our survey please read on!!

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

As a thank you for helping us we have an unpublished document that we would like to give you, entitled The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

After you fill out the survey - simply press the "Click When Finished " button at the end of the questions and you will be directed to a page where you will be able to download The Value of Virginity, Monogamy and Sexual Fidelity.

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

September 7-8, 2007
How We Love Marriage Workshop, Parker, CO
Southeast Christian Church
9650 Jordan Road
Parker, CP 80134
Info: www.sechristian.org or (303)841-9292

Sept. 22-29, 2007 New Life Cruise, Canada and New England. Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.
 
Sept. 29, 2007 Saturday Night New Life Ministries “Radio Rally”, Boston, MA. Location to be announced (New Life Radio Team). Info: www.newlife.com or 1 800 NEW LIFE.

January 18-20, 2008
Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008
Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change):

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. 
Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.