Volume 4 January 11, 2007
Anger and the Love Styles:
Last week Marie asked if her husband’s anger might be related to his love style. Let’s take a look at how the feeling of anger is most likely handled by each of the five love style.
Hopefully, you have read our book, How We Love, and you understand the different love styles. Today we will look at the avoider and the pleaser. Next week, we will address the vacillator and the last week the controller and victim.
The Avoider:
Overall the avoider is often even-tempered since they learned to restrict feelings as a child. This outward calm, steady, consistency is one of the traits that spouses often find initially attractive.
Rather than get openly angry, avoiders tend to withdraw and refuse to talk. This does not mean they never get upset.
Avoiders learned as kids that it was useless to reveal their feelings so they become adept at not showing any. When others are angry, avoiders just want it to stop.
When spouses of avoiders complain about not feeling connected, avoiders may become frustrated and annoyed that what they try to give is not enough.
If a display of anger will get others to leave them alone they may resort to this, but most often they withdraw and close up when things get emotional.
Last week Marie described her husband as recently more angry.
If avoiders encounter difficult seasons of stress, they may become more irritable overall because they did not learn as kids to “feel and deal”, that is to reflect on their inner state and process their thoughts and feelings with someone else.
Avoiders have a strong internalized message that they need to handle thing on their own, so when the pile gets too big, they may become grumpy and irritable and be more prone to showing anger.
Learning to identify and talk about their feelings and go to others for comfort is a tall order, but it will make a big difference in helping alleviate anger.
Avoiders often benefit in other ways as they notice an improvement in chronic health issues. Holding in feelings and trying to handle everything on your own take its toll on the body.
The Pleaser:
Pleasers have built in radar to read the moods and emotional temperature of other.
They are aware a storm is brewing before anyone else and will make effort to try and prevent others from becoming angry because it makes them very anxious to have others mad and upset.
Marie told us last week she has been married for five years. We doubt your husband has the love style of a “Pleaser” Marie because pleasers rarely get angry.
It takes pleasers years to build up resentment about always being in the giving mode. It may be quite a while, often years, before pleasers realize they cannot be responsible for the feelings and moods of everyone around them.
Pleasers feel such a remarkable drop in anxiety when everyone is happy, it’s difficult for them to resist the urge to try and make that happen.
Allowing others to be angry or in a bad mood without rushing in to “fix” it means the pleaser will have to face and deal with their fear of rejection and the anxiety they have inside.
Pleasers are often labeled as passive-aggressive which means they avoid confrontation and manipulate others indirectly resisting their requests or demands rather than dealing directly with conflict. It’s like a quiet way of showing anger.
While this may be true to some extent, in our counseling experience we experience pleasers as more fear-ridden than manipulative.
Pleasers may lie, be dishonest, forget, or resist if it means conflict might be averted.
When pleasers first begin to learn to set boundaries and deal more directly, what they fear most often occurs. Others (spouses, kids, co-workers) do in fact get angrier.
When pleasers keep growing and face this uncomfortable situation, they learn that they can indeed survive the anger and rejection of others and spouses admit they have more respect for the pleaser.
Love,
Milan and Kay
PS: Check out www.relationship180.com for our upcoming appearances and speaking schedule and contact information.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book “How We Love” with its accompanying workbook.
Click the following link for information on how you can now own these books and start working on the most important things in your life – your relationships.
www.howwelove.com/MilansBooks.html
PPS: We always want to provide you with the highest quality relationship information available. As loyal readers of our weekly newsletter we are excited about the opportunity to give you a valuable e-book entitled:
“Myths and Misconceptions of Marriage”
Read this e-book and learn:
- The “Hollywood” view of romance and sex
- Why relational problems develop
- Biblical truths that help our relationships
Simply click on the following link to download your free copy.
www.howwelove.com/MarriageMythsEBook.html
We believe that this e-book can help your relationships, if you would in turn like to help your friends and family with their important relationships please have them visit: www.howwelove.com and sign up for our weekly newsletter.
ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!
Is your child rebellious?
Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?
Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"
Do you have trouble making your child listen?
Do you ever just wonder, "What
do I do?"
Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.
We have the book for you!
You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.
Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.
Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read. Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.
This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges
Love,
Kay
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.
We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.
Would you like your name emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to see what you do in the bedroom??
Then our survey is NOT for you.
We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used. ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.
Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.
You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.
The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.
After you answer the survey will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.
You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.
The survey should be ready in the next couple of weeks - so look for information on how you can participate in our upcoming newsletters.
Thanks
Milan and Kay
Check out www.relationship180.com for our upcoming appearances, speaking schedule and contact information.
For those of you in the Southern California area, or for those of you who would like to visit the Southern California area we are giving a seminar on parenting: "How We Love...As Parents" on February 16-17 2007 at the Grace Community Church in Lake Forest, California. Details can be found at: www.relationship180.com .
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:
How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage