Volume 48                                                                                                                         November 15 , 2007

Abuse and Submission
… What’s Biblical and what’s intolerable?
Second of a four part series.

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.  

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?  

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage? 

What exactly does abuse mean?

When do we turn the other cheek?

Here are more thoughts in my e-mail dialogue with Bob!

(Reprinted here is Bob's original question followed by Milan's thoughts on the subject)

 “Thank you for the detailed and thought-provoking response you provided for me, below.  Yes, exactly, you are right that I am focusing on the meaning of Jesus teaching on ‘turning the other cheek.’  It's interesting to me that, in John 18:23, even Jesus himself doesn't literally turn his other cheek after he is unjustly physically struck, but rather Jesus immediately verbally confronts the man who hit Jesus for no good reason.  It's also interesting to me that Paul stands up for his personal rights very assertively and boldly in Acts 16:37, and Paul aggressively prevents himself from being physically harmed in three passages in Acts -- namely in Acts 22:25 and Acts 23:1-3 and Acts 25:11.  From these passages in Acts (namely, Acts 16:37, Acts 22:25, Acts 23:1-3, and Acts 25:11), it seems like Paul felt very comfortable defending his own human rights, with an unwavering commitment to never let himself get unjustly harmed by anyone.

      In essence, it seems to me that Jesus and Paul set and maintained healthy boundaries with people in a variety of different circumstances and settings, demonstrating to me that Jesus' command on ‘turning the other cheek’ must have meant that Christians should never return insult-for-insult or abuse-for-abuse, rather than a literal instruction for us to keep receiving mistreatment from people or to actually invite people to mistreat us even more….”  Bob

Hi Bob,

1. In John 5:13; 8:59 and 12:36, we observe that Jesus hid or pulled His little "disappearing in the crowd" trick at times to evade persecutors who were attempting to make Him do or be something according to their interests or timetable. 

Clearly, He evaded abuse or coercion by others when given the choice.

He did not disappear though when it was the right time to die for our sins. 

Yet prior to being taken into custody, He made a display of power that made the arresting party fall down and He said that He could ask the Father to send a legion of angels to protect Him if He so desired. 

He then allowed Himself to be taken into custody after this display so that it was clear who was in charge of the situation… He was. 

His death after all was the primary reason why He came into this world… to die for our sins so that we would not have to pay for our own. 

As Christians, we should not confuse His ultimate goal of becoming the sacrificial lamb with our Christian journey …that is, that we should necessarily choose or expect suffering or martyrdom as our pattern. 

I have heard victims in intolerable situations express this kind of rationale for staying in abusive relationships.
   

2. In addition, the pattern of the Apostle Paul corroborates this kind of thinking and pattern. 

In II Corinthians 11:32-33 Paul is let down through a window in a basket by a team of supporters to escape a hostile authority in the city of Damascus. 

This covert action saved Paul’s life.  

Thus, Paul and other believers planned an escape route from a persecutor rather than allow himself from being treated in a hostile manner. 

You may need a team to help you assess your situation and perhaps help you escape from an emotionally unhealthy person. 

This needs to be planned and well coordinated with multiple levels of involvement by friends, family, church leaders, pastors and law enforcement personnel.   

3. Pastors, social workers, teachers etc, are court-mandated reporters. 

They are required by law to report abuse toward children of to Child Protective Services. 

Tell your pastor or therapist what is happening in your home.    
 

4. The church is to exercise church discipline (Matthew 18) against anyone who sins repeatedly and ultimately, put out of the church if non-compliant.

To Be continued…

Love,

Milan and Kay

NEXT WEEK:
Next week - How do different attachment or love styles factor into abusive situations?

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We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

December 12, 2007

Mariners Boundaries series: Resistance and Success with Boundaries
Mariners Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603
(949) 854-7600

January 18-20, 2008

Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008

Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405
(707) 537-9899

April 18 – 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 – 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536
(510) 739-6133

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc