Volume 5 January 18, 2007
Wisdom to ponder:
Proverbs 19:11
A man’s (or woman’s) discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.
Anger and the Love Styles:
This month we are looking at anger and how each of the love styles handles the emotion of anger. Last week we talked about the avoider and the pleaser. This week we look at the vacillator and the last week in January we will discuss the controller and victim.
Several situations serve as triggers to make vacillators angry. Because they experienced unpredictable connection as kids and were often made to wait, they often become angry when they are made to wait for time and attention.
You might understand the vacillators in your life and have more compassion for them if you think of it this way.
Remember the behaviorist, Skinner who discovered he could shape the behavior or rats by rewarding certain behaviors?
He also discovered he could extinguish the behavior by ceasing to reward the behaviors.
Then he played around with intermittent reinforcement.
Skinner experimented with what happens when intermittent rewards are given at regular intervals (like every third time the rat hits the food bar he gets a treat verses irregular intervals (the rat gets a treat on the second hit, then the sixteenth, then the fifth, …etc.)
The more unpredictable the reward the harder the rats tried.
Then Skinner stopped offering food altogether (to extinguish the behavior) to the rats who had received the food in an irregular and unpredictable fashion.
Instead of giving up, as he expected the rats drove themselves crazy compulsively hitting the lever to get food even though nothing was coming their way.
Skinner made a discovery that surprised him.
Irregularly rewarded behavior was the HARDEST of all to eradicate. WOW! Don’t miss that, because that’s EXACTLY what happened to vacillators growing up.
They never knew exactly when their attempts to get attention would work. Sometimes the first try. Sometimes the fifth. Sometimes fifteen tries would get them absolutely nothing.
Avoiders got so little reinforcement, they just quit wanting.
Pleasers learned to focus on others and tried to shape their caretaker’s behavior by being good.
Vacillators got intermittent attention and they were hooked. Keep trying….it will work….eventually. After having to work so hard for something so unpredictable as kids, vacillators became angry, but they couldn’t stop trying.
Unknowingly they are still in this pursuit as adults. The drive to find intense, REGULAR connection they can FEEL is relentless. You are the food lever and they are pushing, pushing, pushing, trying to get you to respond.
Back to Marie’s Question at the Beginning of the Month.
I read your book and I’m trying to figure out what love style fits my husband. We have been married five years and lately he’s so easily angered that I don’t know what to think.
How can I figure out why he’s so mad all the time? Do you think his anger related to his love style? Marie
Answer to Marie
Marie, if your husband is a vacillator his anger might be related to his love style.
Does he have a high need for your time and attention?
Is he frustrated and upset if you are unavailable or he has to wait or feels disappointed?
Did he idealize you when you were dating and had more time to spend together?
Is his anger about your inability to respond adequately to his needs?
If so, imagine how frustrating his experience as a child may have been. We highly recommend you go through the chapter for the vacillator in the workbook. There is a section for the spouse of the vacillator with some practical ideas about how to help the vacillator.
Love,
Milan and Kay
PS: A Note from Kay: Sometimes you come across a book that seems to speak just to you and your problems. “The Gospel According to Job” by Mike Mason is such a book.
This is a great book if you are in a difficult season of life.
Mike brings the book of Job alive and makes it relevant to your struggles today.
It has been one of my favorite books when I find myself in one of life’s storms.
This a good book to pull off your shelf when you are having a bad day.
It is written in devotional form (one page per day) so you can read as much or little as you like. I always read more than one page because I love Mike’s writing.
You too can find help when you need it the most by getting this inspirational book. Simply click here:
Love,
Kay
PPS: Check out www.relationship180.com for our upcoming appearances and speaking schedule and contact information.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book “How We Love” with its accompanying workbook.
ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!
Is your child rebellious?
Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?
Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"
Do you have trouble making your child listen?
Do you ever just wonder, "What
do I do?"
Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.
We have the book for you!
You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.
Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.
Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read. Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.
This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges
Love,
Kay
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.
We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.
Would you like your name emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to see what you do in the bedroom??
Then our survey is NOT for you.
We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used. ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.
Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.
You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.
The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.
After you answer the survey will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.
You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.
The survey should be ready in the next couple of weeks - so look for information on how you can participate in our upcoming newsletters.
Thanks
Milan and Kay
Check out www.relationship180.com for our upcoming appearances, speaking schedule and contact information.
For those of you in the Southern California area, or for those of you who would like to visit the Southern California area we are giving a seminar on parenting: "How We Love...As Parents" on February 16-17 2007 at the Grace Community Church in Lake Forest, California. Details can be found at: www.relationship180.com .
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:
How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage