Volume 50                                                                                         November 29, 2007

Abuse and Submission
... What's Biblical and what's intolerable?
Fourth of a four part series.

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.  

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?  

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage? 

What exactly does abuse mean?

When do we turn the other cheek?

 Abuse Case Study #1:

I received a phone call from a woman seeking pre-marital counseling for her and her fiancé. 

After a few moments, she added, "I must tell you that there has been an occurrence of domestic violence ... he hit me." 

I told her that was sad and asked her why she was marrying someone who would hurt her. 

She indicated that she was a young mom with three kids and felt fortunate that someone would be willing to take them all into his family.

I then asked a simple question, "What were you doing just before he hit you?" 

There was silence as she contemplated my question.  "Well, it was New Year's Eve, we were both drinking and he wasn't paying attention to me so I got into his face and was yelling and screaming at him trying to get him to talk with me. 

I guess that I called him one too many bad names and he slapped me as he told me to get away."

Who was the abuser here? 

Who was the victim? 

Was her original portrayal of the relationship accurate?

She was probably a Vacillator who has separation intolerance. 

He was most likely an avoider or a worn out pleaser who was pushed over the brink by her uninterrupted barrage of words and invasion of his personal space by her intrusiveness.  

In this case, the Vacillator female is the more volatile and violent one and the Avoider male reacted in anger as he was backed into a corner. 

Should he have hit her? 

No! 

He should have gotten up and gone for a walk.

If she had grabbed him, hit him or physically assaulted him in any way (which male and female Vacillators have been known to do), he should have called the police and had her detained by a Deputy.  

It is always important to get help when you are in a chaotic or violent home as well as documenting the behavior of the violent one so that a legal paper trail is established.

To be continued...

Love,

Milan and Kay

NEXT WEEK:

More case studies as well as answering the question from a reader, "What about Biblical passages teaching on submission within a marriage?

Does this mean a woman or child needs to put up with abuse?

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

"How We Love Seminar"

Would you like to attend one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars?

Now you can without having to book airline flights, hotels, rental cars etc.

How?? - We have recorded the seminar and are reproducing it onto DVD.

We are putting the finishing touches on a 3 DVD package that captures the excitement and life changing moments of an incredible seminar that was recorded LIVE in Ventura, California earlier this year.

Look for a special announcement in the next couple of weeks.  

Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?

We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day free trial offer.

Please click on the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

To help us and receive your gift please click here: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

December 12, 2007

Mariners Boundaries series: Resistance and Success with Boundaries
Mariners Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603 
              (949) 854-7600       

January 18-20, 2008

Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008

Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or               (805) 656-7766       

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 - 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405 
              (707) 537-9899       

April 18 - 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 - 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 - 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 - 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord's Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536 
              (510) 739-6133       

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon - Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc