Volume 51                                                                                                                          December 06 , 2007

Abuse and Submission
… What’s Biblical and what’s intolerable?
Fifth of four part series. (Important Additional Article)

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.  

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?  

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage? 

What exactly does abuse mean?

When do we turn the other cheek?

 Case Study #2:

With tears in her eyes, she listened intently as I carefully instructed her about how she needed to plan her escape from her violent and angry husband. 

“I can’t believe this is even happening.  He was so nice to us when we were dating and now, he is so different.  I can’t believe what I’ve gotten myself into.” 

She was a well-meaning single mom who fell in love with a man who swept her off her feet and who felt like the man of her dreams. 

As a divorcee, she often worried if she and her son would ever have the security of a family unit as well as a loving male role model for her teenager. 

“He was so engaging and seemed to be so strong and decisive.  He did everything for my son and me when we were dating.  He arranged everything ahead of time, and I was so impressed with his initiative and follow through.  He would hardly let me do anything.  He seemed so caring and he was just the kind of leader I was looking for.”

While she was aware that he had a history of drug and alcohol dependence, the fact that he had been sober for two years was comforting to her and for the first time in as long as she could remember someone was taking care of her. 

When she said, “I do!” at the wedding ceremony, she was clueless and never imagined the bubble would pop. 

And pop it did. 

With no premarital counseling and a relatively short dating period, she had no idea that the reason for her new husband’s addictions was his own violent and chaotic childhood.  

So, in order to adapt to the danger within his own home, her husband had learned at an early age to self medicate with beer and wine. 

He also became very controlling amongst his peers and got into fights continually throughout high school. 

Even though her new husband was “sober”, he was a “dry drunk” who had poor coping mechanisms and was an obsessive-compulsive controller who got very angry if people did not comply. 

She quickly learned that he was nice as long as they did things his way but when things did not, his face would contort and his countenance would grow dark and he would use intimidation to achieve compliance.  

When her teenage son tried to oppose the new step dad or beat him in a sports game, the new husband became incensed. 

Over the course of the next couple of years, the teenager grew bigger and stronger and the intensity of the arguments escalated.

While the husband never actually hit the boy, he would rage in his face, “bump” him with a shoulder and tell the teen, “go ahead and take a swing at me, I know you want to.” 

Abuse? 

Certainly! 

A powder keg waiting to explode with the potential of someone really getting hurt? 

Only a matter of time!

Who is the adult here? 

Probably the teen who controlled himself and who asked his mom if he could move out and go live with his own dad.

If you are a victim of abuse or of rage from a spouse that could turn into physical violence, then you need to prepare a plan. 

Get out of the house as soon as possible and negotiate from a safe distance through a third party.

You will need friends who can support your decision and provide resources that will allow you to transition into a safe environment.

This may also involve taking refuge in a secret location where the angry controller cannot find you and intimidate you into returning home.

Fear of punishment and retaliation is the greatest single reason why people stay in abusive situations. 

People entrapped in these relationships are usually insecure and lack confidence due to their own painful upbringing thus, they are easily controlled through fear, threats and menacing behaviors. 

Unfortunately, this can go on for years and even decades and sadly, many of these situations have tragic endings.   

Are you in a frightening situation? 

Are your children endangered? 

Many shelters and centers will educate and counsel you about your options. 

Also, make a decision ahead of time to call 911 when situations dangerously escalate and allow a peace officer to escort you to safety.   

In the next few weeks, we will look at a case study involving a battered male as well as comments on I Peter 3 and Ephesians 5 regarding Biblical teaching on submission within a marriage.

Our love to you,

Milan & Kay

NEXT WEEK:
Next week - How do different attachment or love styles factor into abusive situations?

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"How We Love Seminar"

Would you like to attend one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars?

Now you can without having to book airline flights, hotels, rental cars etc.

How?? - We have recorded the seminar and are reproducing it onto DVD.

We are putting the finishing touches on a 3 DVD package that captures the excitement and life changing moments of an incredible seminar that was recorded LIVE in Ventura, California earlier this year.

Look for a special announcement in the next couple of weeks.

Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?

We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day free trial offer.

Please click on the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

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Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

December 12, 2007

Mariners Boundaries series: Resistance and Success with Boundaries
Mariners Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603
(949) 854-7600

January 18-20, 2008

Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008

Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405
(707) 537-9899

April 18 – 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 – 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536
(510) 739-6133

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc