Volume 52                                                                                                                         December 13 , 2007

Abuse and Submission
… What’s Biblical and what’s intolerable?
Sixth of four part series. (Answer to Email Sent About Abuse)

One of the most common questions we receive by letter, e-mail and from callers on New Life Radio has to do with the tolerance of verbal and physical abuse within a home as well as with hostile people who persecute Christians.  

Should we take a path of passivity or should we resist?  

How do we reconcile victimization and abuse with submission within marriage? 

What exactly does abuse mean?

When do we turn the other cheek?

Case Study #3:

This question comes from a reader of last week’s newsletter. 

He writes,

“Milan and Kay,

Have you dealt with how to deal with each style...vacillator???   etc...
I would love to hear about how to respond to false allegations of abuse..after marriage to a person with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) (she filed .... the story is so twisted it is  like a sci-fic. movie) ...smear campaigns etc.. ...or is this possible? 

 I believe that many men are experiencing this...even with  people who have known me for 25+ years and a good lawyer  and a solid Biblically Christian family I am still suffering from the affects a couple of years later.
  
Thank you for your encouraging newsletter,

M”

Dear “M”,

Wow, what a painful story.  

Unfortunately, this scenario is much more common that we would all like to imagine.

The plight of battered men is astonishing. 

The statistics show that one out of every ten cases of physical abuse and battery are against men. 

In one case, the husband who was a “Victim” attachment style was repeatedly beaten by his wife with blackened eyes and kicks to the groin. 

He was threatened by her and warned that if he called the police, she would plant porn material around the house and on the computer and she would tell the authorities that he had tried to molest one of their daughters. 

To the police, it would appear as though she were just defending her daughter.

The wife it turns out was an extreme Vacillator. 

She was in fact a person with BPD just as your wife. 

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a condition where high levels of reactivity and rage are exhibited toward anyone who among other things, stops paying attention to them, ignores them or disagrees with them. 

Because of their abandonment injuries and histories of abuse and neglect, any “separation” away from them by others causes them to feels like betrayal and the experience immense levels of internal hurt, which then leads to rage and anger. 

In their opinion, the one who “separates” from them by disagreeing with them about any thing will cause them to feel as though they are being “abused”. 

When a person is enraged to such high levels, the pain from decades of hurt, floods the brain and all logic is lost. 

They actually believe their own reactive and distorted thoughts.

Thus, “M” you became the lightening rod for a whole life of pain.  

This distortion of reality is very real to them and so they become intent on justice and the “offender” will have to pay for his or her mistakes. 

Punishment and retaliation become their consuming passion.

So what can a person such as yourself do to defend yourself against such extreme levels of mental unhealthiness? 

As soon as it begins, a you need to begin creating a “paper trail” of documentation. 

• Call 911 every time physical violence occurs and get out of the house.
• Go to the hospital and have your wounds attended to, with pictures taken.  The hospital will bring in social workers and call child protective services to extract the children from the house until stabilization can occur.
• Weekly attend individual and marital therapy whether or not your BPD, Vacillator or Controller spouse will go with you.  Report to them weekly as to any violence in the home.   If necessary , their records will provide evidence to the court regarding this history of violence and they can be used to establish a pattern.
• If untrue and outlandish threats are used, generally, the truth will find its way to the surface.  Psychologists are trained to interview children and adolescents and find the truth within their testimony. 
• Someone who is BPD has established a pattern of reactivity with other relationships from the past.  Their lives are strewn with the litter and debris of broken relationships and the courts listen to this as well.  Some attorneys specialize in representing spouses of mentally ill men and women.

Again, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this very sad marital experience. 

If you have not done so already, get into a grief support group and process your feelings for as long as you feel that you need to do so. 

Our prayers and blessings go out to you.

Love,

Milan & Kay

NEXT WEEK:
In the next two weeks, we will comment on I Peter 3 and Ephesians 5 regarding Biblical teaching on submission within a marriage.

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We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

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review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

We will be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops and Seminars:

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

December 12, 2007

Mariners Boundaries series: Resistance and Success with Boundaries
Mariners Church
5001 Newport Coast Drive
Irvine, CA 92603
(949) 854-7600

January 18-20, 2008

Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA
Info:

January 25-27, 2008

Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405
(707) 537-9899

April 18 – 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 – 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536
(510) 739-6133

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc