Volume 57                                                                                                                         January 17, 2008

Parenting and the Love Styles

The Avoider as a Parent 

Here is a quick review of the Avoider

How they were Parented
Little to no comfort, nurturing.  Parents value tasks, independence, performance.  Message:  You're fine, hurry up and grow up.
 
Intimacy
Don’t want, don’t need.  Didn’t receive enough to know what they are missing. Confused.  What do you want from me?  Rarely ask for help.  Self-Parent. Little to no comfort, nurturing. 

Expectations
Take care of myself and wish others would do the same.  Rarely asks for help.  Needs little.

Goals
Independence, self sufficiency.  Shows love by doing tasks.  If you don’t want, you cannot be hurt or disappointed.

Prominent Feeling
Anxiety if others are emotional or needy.  Otherwise flat, even.  Anger if pushed to connect or deal with emotions.  Most all feelings are underdeveloped.

Triggers
Criticism from others. Feelings of inadequacy when confronted with  emotions,  needs or complaints. Neediness in others is viewed with contempt. Unallowable in themselves so hard to tolerate in others.

Response: 
Detaches, withdraws.   Avoids eye contact. As an avoider I have a lot of mistakes I can share from my own parenting experience. 

I did not understand these attachment styles until my older children were late elementary
and Junior high. 

Even of you are the parent of adult children you can foster some great
conversations by learning and sharing what you see in retrospect. 

Remember, these styles exist on a continuum, from mild to more extreme. 

Some of what I share may fit, some may not. 

Just take what is helpful.

The Avoider as a Parent 

Babies and toddlers:
Often women who are avoiders feel overwhelmed with the birth of a baby.   

Babies and toddlers are a bundle of feelings and needs and avoiders have minimized their own feelings and needs and often they find neediness in others difficult to tolerate. 

Babies may be given more allowances but schedules and predictability may be overly
emphasized while bonding, eye contact, playfulness and lots of holding may be more
difficult. 

Avoider moms and dads may believe  too much attention will spoil a baby and
physical needs (feeding,  bathing, changing, sleeping)  may be the primary focus of time
and attention. 

Since Avoiders have learned to be self sufficient, often at an early age,
they may expect more from a child than is age appropriate and hurry a child into
independence before they are ready. 

Avoiders often say “I’m not cut out to be a stay at home mom.” 

They may not understand the way they were parented makes it difficult to
know what a child needs at what age and how to respond.    

If I could go back and re-parent my kids as babies and toddlers I would:

• Hold them more, sing, play and make eye contact that says “I’m glad you are here and I am with you.”  (Happy eyes).

• I would let them have their blankets, pacifier, and comforting toys or animals as long as they wanted without encouraging them to give them up. 

• I would see an infant and toddler as little persons capable of amazing awareness and responsiveness and try and see their behavior as the only way they can communicate their feelings and needs.

• I would tell them the words for their feelings before and after they learned to talk  “I can see you are mad, sad, frustrated, tired, jealous,  scared”….etc.

• I would take their feelings more seriously remembering they are very small and vulnerable.

• I would try as harder to understand their behavior rather than changing their behavior.  (don’t get me wrong, the stove is still a “ut oh, no no.”)

• I would expect regression as a normal part of development and a sign that my child may be stressed instead of feeling I was doing something wrong.

• If my toddler was clingy and wanted me I would know that is a sign of healthy development not insecurity.  They are suppose to want you a lot at this age and prefer you over other people.  Some personalities need this more that other. 

How about older kids?

• I would ask myself what stressors are in my child’s life when they go through a change in behavior. 

• I would realize even small kids are capable of deep conversations.  I would use the feeling words list once they could read.

• I would allow (and encourage) a wide range of emotions.  

• I would try harder to learn the heart of my introverted child and pursue this one more.  I would wait instead of interrupt knowing the introverted child has to think and process quietly before they can put words to things. 

• I would play more with my kids.

What helped me most to improve as a parent was to learn to know and express my own
feelings and needs. 

It is hard to help your child grow in an area of ones own deficiency. 

The more I learned to do this the more I was comfortable with my kids expressing
feelings and needs. 

It sound simple but it takes time and hard work. 

Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

NEXT WEEK: THE PLEASER as a parent.

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GREAT NEWS!!!!!!

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

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Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

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Thanks

Milan and Kay

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

January 18-20, 2008

Marriage Retreat for Abundant Life Christian Fellowship
Location: Mount Hermon Christian Conference Center, Mount Hermon, CA

January 25-27, 2008

Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766
Also preaching on Sat the 26th at 6:00 pm service, Sun 27th at 9:00 am and 10:30 am services

Feb 6, 2008

Harvest TV show
South Bend, IN
Topic: How We Love
10:00 am CST

Feb 8 - 9, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri Feb 8th  7:00 – 10:00 pm and Sat Feb 9th  9:00 – 3:00pm
Faith Church
5910 Price Road
Milford, OH  45150
513-831-3770

Feb 13, 2008

Crossline MOPS group speaker, 9:45 am
Lake Hills Church
2331 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Hills, CA  92653
949-837-7729

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405
(707) 526-5940 X 3504

April 18 – 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 – 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536
(510) 739-6133
Also preaching on Sunday the 20th at 10:30

April 26, 2008

Childbirth Educators Conference
Anaheim, CA
Additional details forthcoming

May 23, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat
Seattle / Tacoma area
Sponsored by Lighthouse Christian Center
Additional details forthcoming

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Dec 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 31 and Jan 11

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc