Volume 58 January 24, 2008
Parenting and the Love Styles
THE PLEASER AS A PARENT
A quick review of the pleaser:
PLEASER
Parent
Fear based nurturing. Parent is overly protective to relieve their own anxiety. Or parent is angry, critical. Child manages parental anger or anxiety by being good.
Intimacy
Want connection to relieve anxiety about disapproval or rejection. May be fearful when alone. Gives and appeases to maintain connection. Burn out and resentment over time.
Expectations
Looks for opportunities to give and expects little in return.
Goals
Safety, Harmony. If others are happy, I can relax. If I keep others close and happy, I won’t be abandoned.
Prominent Feeling
Anxious if apart or if others are critical, angry or rejecting. Worry. Anger, is undeveloped.
Triggers
Anxiety when others detach, want space, or give silent treatment. Interpret distance as a sign that others are angry or rejecting and efforts at giving or appeasing are not sufficient or successful.
Response: Pursues, tries harder, gives more, to calm own anxiety.
The Pleaser as a Parent
The desire of every pleaser is that everyone is happy and that includes the children.
Pleasers tend to do well with babies giving them lots of time and attention.
Since infancy is a time in development when a child needs a lot of soothing and holding this tends to be a good match for pleaser.
Worry is a nagging problem for most pleasers and they may seek and need a lot of assurance in their role as a parent.
Life as a parent becomes a little more difficult for the Pleaser when the child reaches
the age where they want to separate, say “NO!” and express their own desires and
opinions.
This starts anywhere from 12 months to the preschool years depending on the child’s personality.
Pleasers often avoid conflict and disagreement that is part of family life.
They tend to minimize and placate difficult emotions in their kids Pleasers do not like anyone to be mad at them, even the kids, so they often lack of firm boundaries and at
times overindulge their kids.
They often depend on the other parent to be the disciplinarian and then criticize them for “being too hard.”
Pleasers need to learn to tolerate the rejection they will feel at times from their kids as
they learn to be more firm.
Pleaser’s have a difficult time allowing their children to feel frustration and stress that is a normal part of life.
They tend to protect and rescue rather than help a child learn to deal with difficult circumstances.
“Don’t play with those mean kids,” verses “Let’s role play and practice some words you can say to kids when they are unkind”.
Pleasers will be better at this as they learn themselves to be angry and set boundaries in their own adult relationships.
Life is stressful.
Children face many experiences of frustration, inadequacy, rejection, ridicule, and other painful feelings.
Pleasers, make it your goal to help you child learn to express and manage these feeling,
not get rid of them.
They are a part of life.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
NEXT WEEK: THE VACILLATOR as a parent
SPREAD THE WORD:
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GREAT NEWS!!!!!!
Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?
We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.
As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.
We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..
Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.
Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
To help us and receive your gift please use this link: How We Love Sexually - Survey
(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button
review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)
Thanks
Milan and Kay
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
January 25-27, 2008
Workshop, Ventura, CA (Topic TBA)
Bible Fellowship Church
6950 Ralston Street
Ventura, CA 93003
Info: www.bfconline.info or (805) 656-7766
Also preaching on Sat the 26th at 6:00 pm service, Sun 27th at 9:00 am and 10:30 am services
Feb 6, 2008
Harvest TV show
South Bend, IN
Topic: How We Love
10:00 am CST
Feb 8 - 9, 2008
How We Love workshop
Times: Fri Feb 8th 7:00 – 10:00 pm and Sat Feb 9th 9:00 – 3:00pm
Faith Church
5910 Price Road
Milford, OH 45150
513-831-3770
Feb 13, 2008
Crossline MOPS group speaker, 9:45 am
Lake Hills Church
2331 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
949-837-7729
February 23, 2008
How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA 95405
(707) 526-5940 X 3504
April 18 – 20, 2008
How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM; Sat: 9:00 – 4:00; and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
(510) 739-6133
Also preaching on Sunday the 20th at 10:30
April 26, 2008
Childbirth Educators Conference
Anaheim, CA
Additional details forthcoming
May 23, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat
Seattle / Tacoma area
Sponsored by Lighthouse Christian Center
Additional details forthcoming
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Dec 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 31 and Jan 11
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2007 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter November 2007.doc