Volume 59 January 31, 2008
Parenting and the Love Styles
THE VACILLATOR AS A PARENT
Lets review the traits of the Vacillator:
VACILLATOR
Parent
Sporadic inconsistent attention based on parents needs and moods. Unpredictable. More about parents needs than child's needs.
Intimacy
Longs for intense connection they can FEEL. Idealizes then devalues. Easily disappointed and feels abandoned and betrayed. More likely to display anger than hurt.
Expectations
Highly sensitive, craves attention. Mistakes intensity for intimacy. Devalues when disappointed and intense “good” feelings are gone.
Goals
To feel special and exclusive, seen and understood. Avoid criticism as it means, “I’m flawed, unlovable.”
Prominent Feeling
Anxious if close (they will leave) Anxious if apart (abandoned, not seen). Shows anger. Underneath, confused, disappointed. Sadness, grief underdeveloped.
Triggers
When others depart this triggers feelings of abandonment, waiting. Closeness triggers anxiety: may sabotage because accepting means I will get hurt and be made to wait again.
Response: Mixed messages: Come here (I need you). Go away (I’m mad).
The Vacillator as a Parent
Remember, Vacillators are looking for the consistent connection they missed as kids.
Babies can certainly provide this connection for a time as they are dependent, needy and
always there.
Vacillator women tend to do fairly well in the infant stage as the baby may meet the mother’s deep need for consistent connection.
Vacillator fathers may feel their wife is preoccupied and unavailable and may have difficulty adjusting to the mother’s preoccupation with a new baby.
Like Pleasers, Vacillators have a more difficult time when the toddler, preschooler and
later adolescent begins to separate and assert their own will and personhood.
Vacillators tend to feel this separateness as personal rejection and the idealization of parenting that could be maintained in infancy may be replaced with devaluation as wills collide.
Vacillators have difficulty with waiting for time and attention from others.
Even a toddler can make a parent wait when they refuse to come, refuse a hug, want off your lap, hit, push you away etc.
While this is normal development for the child, vacillators who are usually sensitive may feel deeply rejected and be disenchanted with their child.
This dynamic can set up control battles, because if the parent can control their child they
hope to protect themselves from these feelings of rejection.
Little do they realize that their own childhood experiences are at the core of these feelings.
Vacillators may alternate between being too indulgent with their kids (you will like me and want me if I give you this) and too harsh and angry when they feel rejected.
This is confusing for the kids who are never sure where they stand or what to expect.
If you find yourself relating to this here are some growth goals.
Take a week and write down every episode where you feel slighted, rejected or mistreated by your child.
If you are a dad and home less, do this for several weeks or a month.
Get out the feeling word list and identify other feelings that are aroused during these times.
Then, review your list and ask yourself who made you feel these exact same things when you were growing up.
This will help you identify when and how the past is flooding into the present in your
relationship with your child.
Grieve these childhood hurts, hopefully with your spouse.
Propose to control your anger.
Learn to express sadness or hurt to your kids when they misbehave verses yelling.
Try and discover the meaning of their behavior verses just considering it obedience or disobedience. (What is my child telling me about themselves through this behavior?)
Memorize this phrase and say it to yourself often:
Differences do not equal rejection.
Last, notice when you make your kid “all bad” or “all good”.
For example, “This kid is driving me crazy and I don’t like anything about them”; Or, “This kid is the most gifted athlete this school has ever seen” Learn to find the middle.
Acknowledge the good and bad in yourself, your spouse and kids.
When you feel anyone is all bad, make yourself write down and express at least three good traits.
Vacillators can be the most fun, engaging parents at times.
The more you focus on the healing of your own attachment injury (injured love style) the more you will enjoy parenting and accept the good and bad in the whole experience.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
NEXT WEEK: THE CONTROLLER AS A PARENT
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GREAT NEWS!!!!!!
Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
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We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.
As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.
We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..
Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.
Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.
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(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button
review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)
Thanks
Milan and Kay
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
Feb 6, 2008
Harvest TV show
South Bend, IN
Topic: How We Love
10:00 am CST
Feb 8 - 9, 2008
How We Love workshop
Times: Fri Feb 8th 7:00 – 10:00 pm and Sat Feb 9th 9:00 – 3:00pm
Faith Church
5910 Price Road
Milford, OH 45150
513-831-3770
Feb 13, 2008
Crossline MOPS group speaker, 9:45 am
Lake Hills Church
2331 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Hills, CA 92653
949-837-7729
February 23, 2008
How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA 95405
(707) 526-5940 X 3504
April 18 – 20, 2008
How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM; Sat: 9:00 – 4:00; and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
(510) 739-6133
Also preaching on Sunday the 20th at 10:30
April 26, 2008
Childbirth Educators Conference
Anaheim, CA
Additional details forthcoming
May 23, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat
Seattle / Tacoma area
Sponsored by Lighthouse Christian Center
Additional details forthcoming
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Dec 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 31 and Jan 11
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter January 31, 2008