Volume 6 January 25, 2007
Remember Marie’s question at the beginning of the month?
“I read your book and I’m trying to figure out what love style fits my husband. We have been married five years and lately he’s so easily angered that I don’t know what to think.”
In answer to Marie’s question, we have spent January looking at how the emotion of anger is handled by each of the love styles.
What about the controller and the victim? While vacillators can be very reactive and angry (remember each style exists on a continuum from mild to severe) controllers use intimidation as a way of staying in charge of their world.
Both the vacillator and the controller tend to blame others for their anger believing if others could “get it right” they would not be angry.
Vacillators are angry because they cannot achieve the intense, consistent, connection that makes them feel seen and valued.
They want others to be available for connection and feel angry when that does not happen.
Controllers want compliance but don’t value connection.
They didn’t get enough caring connection as kids to even know what they are missing.
Controllers want to be in charge to keep from ever feeling the “out of control” feelings of childhood.
Demanding compliance with threats and intimidation protect the controller from ever feeling the shame and humiliation they experienced in their abusive childhood.
A look into the childhood experience of the controller and the vacillator can help distinguish between the anger of the vacillator and the anger of the controller.
Vacillators got some positive connection; enough to make them want more.
Controllers experienced more pain than pleasure in relationship. They control to try and not be in the painful “underdog” position ever again.
Maire, we doubt your husband is a controller because you say he is recently more angry. Controllers are often angry, possessive and jealous even during dating years. Anger is always there, just under the surface, and it does not take much to cause an outburst.
For victims, anger is turned inward on self. Victims accept the abusive anger of others as something they deserve. Feelings of self-hatred and unworthiness make it difficult for a victim to feel or express anger appropriately.
Love,
Milan and Kay
ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!
Is your child rebellious?
Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?
Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"
Do you have trouble making your child listen?
Do you ever just wonder, "What
do I do?"
Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.
We have the book for you!
You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.
Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.
Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read. Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.
This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges
Love,
Kay
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.
We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.
Would you like your name emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to see what you do in the bedroom??
Then our survey is NOT for you.
We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used. ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.
Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.
You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.
The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.
After you answer the survey will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.
You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.
The survey should be ready in the next couple of weeks - so look for information on how you can participate in our upcoming newsletters.
Thanks
Milan and Kay
Check out www.relationship180.com for our upcoming appearances, speaking schedule and contact information.
For those of you in the Southern California area, or for those of you who would like to visit the Southern California area we are giving a seminar on parenting: "How We Love...As Parents" on February 16-17 2007 at the Grace Community Church in Lake Forest, California. Details can be found at: www.relationship180.com .
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:
How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage