Volume 60                                                                                                                          February 07, 2008

Parenting and the Love Styles

The Controller as a Parent

CONTROLLER/ VICTIM

Lets review the traits of the Controller/Victim:

Parent
Chaotic, confusing.  Parent source of stress rather than reliever of stress.  May be dangerous:  abuse, neglect, violence, drugs, alcohol.

Intimacy
Adrenalin, chaos “normal.”  Calm=anxiety...next storm is coming.  Move towards controller (anger, rage) or victim (passive).
Addictions to numb pain.

Expectations
Controller:  My way, I’m right. Control or be controlled.
Victim: To survive:  unworthy, unlovable, cannot survive on my own.

Goals
Maintain control or stay “under the radar”.

Prominent Feeling
Controller:  Any vulnerable feeling quickly submerged with display of anger.  Victim:  Fear, depression, hopeless, powerless.  (May only feel anger with children.)  Both styles have never grieved childhood pain.

Triggers
Controller:  Criticism, challenge of authority.  Victim:  Anger in others. 

Responses:  Controller:  rage, intimidate, bully to regain control.
Victim:  Dissociate, take abuse, try harder, self blame, it’s my fault.

The Controller as a Parent

Remember, controllers want to control to keep from ever feeling the terror, shame, and
humiliation of others having power and control. 

They are very cut off from the pain of their own childhood experiences using anger as the primary emotion they feel in any stressful circumstance. 

Marriage and parenting are difficult. 

For people raised in the Chaotic home one must remember there was little to no modeling of healthy relationship. 

In fact, chaos feels normal. 

Controllers may be able to manage their anger I until they marry and become parents. 

When a new home is created, that’s when the anger tends to surface and most controllers if they are honest, call it rage. 

The anger feels deep,  gigantic and out of control. 

There is nothing like a little two year old sticking his nose in the air, folding his arms and saying, “No!”  to send a controller up the wall. 

The feeling in side that is often not articulated is. “How dare you say that!  If I would have said that to my parents, I would have been hit across the room.”

It is difficult for controllers to judge what is age appropriate behavior or what children
need at different stages of development. 

Inadequacy is an unpleasant feeling and maintaining control is a good way to deep feelings of inadequacy out of the way. 

As we say in our book, How We Love, grief is the antidote to anger. 

Remembering what is was like to be a child is an essential starting place. 

The controller will become more sensitive to his or her children as they allow themselves to remember what is was like to be young. 

Facing their own pain is the key to parenting in a different way. 

Controllers often suffered greatly as children and had no comfort or protection. 

No one respected them as little people with feeling and needs. 

Reviewing memories and feeling the painful feelings and accepting comfort in the present provide a whole new basis of experience that can be taken into their relationship with their own children. 

This is hard work and it is difficult, but it is the only thing we have done that has
provided change at a deep level. 

Books, seminars, classes and mentoring in parenting and marriage can help those raised in Chaotic homes to learn what they did not learn and unlearn some bad examples carried from their own childhood.   

But grieving is the key to the rage that is common to this love style. 

Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

NEXT WEEK: THE VICTIM AS A PARENT

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GREAT NEWS!!!!!!

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

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We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

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Thanks

Milan and Kay

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

Feb 8 - 9, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri Feb 8th  7:00 – 10:00 pm and Sat Feb 9th  9:00 – 3:00pm
Faith Church
5910 Price Road
Milford, OH  45150
513-831-3770

Feb 13, 2008

Crossline MOPS group speaker, 9:45 am
Lake Hills Church
2331 Moulton Parkway
Laguna Hills, CA  92653
949-837-7729

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop 9:00 – 4:30
Sonoma Ave Church of Christ
2200 Sonoma Ave
Santa Rosa, CA  95405
(707) 526-5940 X 3504

April 18 – 20, 2008

How We Love workshop
Times: Fri: 7:00 – 9:00 PM;   Sat: 9:00 – 4:00;   and Sun 9:00 – 10:30
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA  94536
(510) 739-6133
Also preaching on Sunday the 20th at 10:30

April 26, 2008

Childbirth Educators Conference
Anaheim, CA
Additional details forthcoming

May 23, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat
Seattle / Tacoma area
Sponsored by Lighthouse Christian Center
Additional details forthcoming

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Dec 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 31 and Jan 11

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter February 07, 2008