Volume 61                                                                                                                          February 14, 2008

Parenting and the Love Styles

THE VICTIM AS A PARENT

Also

“Love Styles and Valentines Day”

A quick review of the Victim:

VICTIM

Parent
Chaotic, confusing.  Parent source of stress rather than reliever of stress.  May be dangerous:  abuse, neglect, violence, drugs, alcohol.

Intimacy
Adrenalin, chaos “normal.”  Calm=anxiety...next storm is coming.  Move towards controller (anger, rage) or victim (passive).
Addictions to numb pain.

Expectations
Controller:  My way, I’m right. Control or be controlled.
Victim: To survive:  unworthy, unlovable, cannot survive on my own.

Goals
Maintain control or stay “under the radar”.

Prominent Feeling
Controller:  Any vulnerable feeling quickly submerged with display of anger.  Victim:  Fear, depression, hopeless, powerless.  (May only feel anger with children.)  Both styles have never grieved childhood pain.

Triggers
Controller:  Criticism, challenge of authority.  Victim:  Anger in others. 

Responses:  Controller:  rage, intimidate, bully to regain control.
Victim:  Dissociate, take abuse, try harder, self blame, it’s my fault.

The Victim as a Parent

Remember, victims survived a childhood of trauma by being quiet, staying under the
radar, and sometimes dissociating (mentally checking out and going someplace else in
their heads.) 

Kids are little bundles of feelings and needs and the victim has learned to disavow their own feelings as needs when they were small. 

Parenting is generally overwhelming as their own experiences growing up left them suspicious, hopeless and distrustful. 

Since victims often marry controllers, they may be trying to manage their spouse’s
unpredictable (and perhaps dangerous) behavior. 

Having been unprotected themselves as kids they have little know-how of how to protect their own children. 

When the dominant parent is gone, and the victim is alone with the kids, anger may surface and frustration is taken out on their kids. 

In the privacy of their own home, victims can become very angry and years of pent up anger may be unleashed on their kids. 

Since victims are use to chaos, they tend to isolate in pain, not realizing how serious the
problems are and the alternatives that might come with healing. 

Seeking help is often a big first step, and a very important beginning. 

Like controllers they have minimized the seriousness or their own abuse and have never had a place of comfort or protection. 

Remembering their own traumas and the feelings of being little will open up sensitivity to
their own children.

Parents from chaotic homes have the most risk of addiction to substances, gambling, sex,
etc. 

There is so much pain to keep submerged and they have learned growing up people are sources of stress not relief. 

So, they are at high risk to turn to “things” not people for relief. 

When this happens a parent becomes preoccupies with getting the substance or doing the activity that brings relief and is more unavailable to the child. 

Recovery groups can begin to reverse this as members listen to one another and care for one another in a group setting.  

As we conclude this series, let me encourage you. 

The best way you can grow as a parent is to address your own harmful love style. 

Although this takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work, it promotes change at a deep level that spills over into parenting. 

As you acknowledge and tend to the hurt little child inside you, you will see your own children in an entirely new way. 

As, you allow blocked feelings surface and learn to manage them you will have new respect for your child’s feelings. 

As you learn to comfort and seek relief in relationship you will better provide this for your children. 

As you learn to manage and deal with difficult emotions, you can help your children do the same.  

Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

NEXT WEEK: More GREAT Relationship Tips!!!

SPECIAL SECTION:

“Love Styles and Valentines Day”

Are you like most guys?

“Uh Oh!  Today is Valentines Day.” 

“What should I do?” 

“I can’t remember what I did last year.”

“Could it have been the same thing I did the year before… and the year before that?’

“I hate holidays… I can’t stand the pressure of wondering if I’ve done the right thing.” 

“I sure hope we can have sex tonight.  I wonder how late Victoria Secret is open.  I can buy her (me) an exciting present.’

“Yea, that’s what I’ll do… it’ll blow her away.”

Are you like most women?

“Uh Oh!  Today is Valentines Day or “MSD” (Mandatory Sex Day).”

“I sure hope he doesn’t do what he did last year…and the year before that!”

“I hate holidays… it feels so forced.”

“Flowers from the guy standing on the corner, store bought card, dinner in a sardine packed restaurant, a “gift” for me (but it is really for him that I hate wearing … I’m not 20 years old any longer you know) and then the expectation of having sex.”

“It just blows me away.  Who is this guy Valentine anyway? Figures he was a guy.”

Want something different from a stereotypical holiday?

Here is what we enjoy after 35 years of marriage.

1. Make your own card.  Take some time out of your day and write what originally attracted you to your spouse.  Describe how those qualities are still attractive and what new qualities that you have learned to appreciate and love.  Find a sizzling quote from Song of Solomon in the Old Testament and have a good laugh over it.
2. Create a quality day or evening that has a slowed down pace.  Build a fire in the fireplace and bring in your spouse’s favorite food from a take out restaurant or fix something special, which takes little time to prepare, such a salad and a frozen gourmet pizza from a specialty store like Trader Joes, or a pre-made dinner from Costco.
3. Find a baby sitter or get the kids to bed early and have a late dinner with just the two of you.  Read your cards aloud to one another and give a non-sexual gift to them that is meaningful to them. 
4. I’ts winter time, so a cozy pull over, comforter, or something that you made for them will be a very impressive gift.  Counter intuitive.  Once, Kay gave me a guitar tuner that I had been wanting… she remembered… went to the music store … asked questions and surprised me.  It was the thoughtfulness and the effort that spoke of her love.  Over a year ago, Kay enjoyed a bath fragrance in a hotel.  I remembered, looked up L’Occitane (pronounced lox – e –ton) on the internet, found the nearest store which wasn’t so near… and when she opened it up, she said “Wow!”.

It’s little stuff.  Loving the person enough to remember what’s important to them.  What colors they like and what things they don’t care for. Somehow making them special.

It doesn’t matter what love style you are, this will work with them all.

Happy Valentines Day.

Love,
Milan and Kay  

SPREAD THE WORD:

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GREAT NEWS!!!!!!

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?

We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

To help us and receive your gift please use this link: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

February 23, 2008

How We Love workshop
8:30 AM – 4:30 PM
Redwood Covenant Church (Co-sponsored by Sonoma Church of Christ)
3175 Sebastopol Road
Santa Rosa, CA 95407
Registration and Information:  (707) 526 5940 x 3504 or www.redwoodcovenant.org.

February 27 – March 13, 2008

Women of the Harvest
Women’s Missionary Retreat (Kay)
Zagreb, Croatia

April 18 – 19, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM Friday night Part 1
9:00 AM – 4 PM Saturday Part 2
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: Angelina at church office (510) 739-6133

April 20, 2008

9:00 AM – 10:30 AM  Questions and Answers from Milan and Kay
10:30 AM- 12:00 PM Milan to preach at church service.
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: (510) 739-6133

April 26, 2008

8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
 
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914

May 23 – 25, 2008

7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions.  Registration is still required.

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Dec 21, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 31 and Jan 11

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter February 14, 2008