Volume 67                                                                                                                         March 27 , 2008

Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage
(Sixth in a series.)

We have had many responses to this series on Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage. 

I picked three e-mails that are representative of the general lines of questioning that we receive. 

While the discussions on the topic are seemingly endless, we shall wrap up this discussion with these questions.

1. “Wouldn’t pornography be a possible grounds for divorce if the party was physically stimulating themselves while watching and or talking to another party?  It seems like computer sex to me.  Please clarify if this is not ‘pornea’ as the person is not actually there with them.”

      While what you are describing is an enslaving habit which does not foster one ounce of intimacy within a marriage, the word ‘pornea’ was originally used to describe illicit physical acts with someone else.

This would mean, actual physical contact with a real live person, whether the same sex or the opposite sex. 

What we imagine in our minds or watch on the internet does not constitute true physical contact, rather the Bible calls this lust. 

Lust means to fix ones desire upon another person for the purpose of wanting to be sexual with the individual. 

While sinful and wrong, it is not the same and cannot be used for a justification for divorce. 

If that were so, then everybody could get a divorce because we are all guilty of internal thoughts that miss the mark. 

What these thoughts reveal is that we need a Savior and that not merely conforming to outward behaviors is adequate for presenting us as righteous before a Holy God this was Jesus point in Matthew 5:27-28. 

     Your husband’s enslavement needs more interventions from you including couple’s therapy which would address his need for deep connection and soothing which he has replaced with a self medicating enslavement.

2. “I have found this series very interesting and very timely for me.  (Paraphrasing) I am in a second marriage of  nine years and we have three college age children between the two of us.  One of my daughters is argumentative with my husband (“rebellious”), I don’t think he is saved, he wants to divorce over her attitude, I told him to go and he backed down, the holidays are not enjoyable.  How do we mend our family and marriage as we near the empty nest phase?”

      Sometimes the angry child is the one that sees the most clearly and will actually rise up and challenge the family system, which some controllers then call rebellious. 

Sometimes the vocal angry child (who is now an eighteen year old adult) may actually be the healthiest one as they dare to challenge the insanity, inconsistency and authoritarian double standards of the controller parent. 

Perhaps your desire for peace and “mending” is your own anxiousness crying out for a calm with no real resolution toward healthiness.      

     Maybe the empty nest will be more pleasant when you learn to call his bluff, increase the resistance and create better levels of adult interaction for yourself. 

I love your heart, yet I sense a timidity (How We Love, Pleaser or Victim) that sabotages real peace. 

Keep growing and exercising the adult voice, which will raise the family system to a higher level of maturity. 

Stop allowing the weakest link to dominate and bring the family system to lower and lower levels.

3.  “My former wife divorced me due to my years of being sexually unfaithful.  I don’t for one minute question her biblical or moral reasons for her doing that and although she never wanted to go for counseling, I don’t blame her based on the depth of pain I brought into her life.  I would love to have restoration, but the pain is so deep, she understandably can’t stand me.  Is it your best advice to just keep loving the kids and serving her in any manner I can but stay away from talking about anything other than the kids.”

Learn to share your journey of pain with her. 

Tell her of your advancements in insight as to why you sought love in all the wrong places. 

Stay in therapy, increase in your self awareness and help your kids learn to identify their feelings and bring them into relationship for comfort and bonding. 

Offer this for your wife and enter into true relationship and not just settle for acts of kindness toward her. 

Take it up a notch and enter into true levels of vulnerability and healthiness.

Again, we know that this is very difficult material to take in and absorb, so go slowly and ask God for wisdom in applying these concepts to your life. 

Thanks for listening,

 Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week: We will discuss some of your e-mail questions. 

NEWS ALERT: 

MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:

Kay and I will starting a weekly Monday night teaching event that will be hosted by our non-profit ministry, Relationship 180.  It will be at our home church, Coast Hills Church in Aliso Viejo, California and we will be discussing topics every week that will help turn relationships in the right direction.  We will begin in less than three weeks on April 14, 2008 from 7:00 – 8:30 PM.  Everyone is welcome, married, divorced, single, unaccompanied married persons etc.  Come join us.

In preparation of this city-wide affair, we are inviting you to come join us at an upcoming Open House. On Monday night April 7th we are gathering at our new offices to do four things.

1. Pray for the impact this new weekly study will have on relationships in our community.
2. Hear a personal report of Kay’s recent travels to Croatia (we have pictures J).
3. Give you a chance to see the new office space God recently provided.
4. And, introduce Eric Nachtrieb, the newest addition to the staff. Eric was the co-founder of the ministry and is going to join the team in April as the new Executive Director.

Stop by and say hi!

In Him,

Milan and Kay

If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California we are thinking about ways in which to share this valuable information with all of you.  Look for more information in the next few newsletters.

ANOTHER NEWS ALERT: 

We are EXTREMELY EXCITED about the opportunity for all of you to enjoy and learn from our "How We Love" Seminars. We videotaped a recent seminar and have created a three DVD package of the seminar. The DVD's have been finalized and we are sending them off to the duplicators!!!

This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!!

This long awaited three DVD set will give you an opportunity to experience firsthand our life changing, relationship improving "How We Love" Seminar.

One person who attended the seminar had this to say: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!"

The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say:

"Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple.  The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope.  This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages!  One response said  “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! "

See below for more information on this incredible seminar experience!!

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?

We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

To help us and receive your gift please use this link: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

April 18 – 19, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM Friday night Part 1
9:00 AM – 4 PM Saturday Part 2
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: Angelina at church office (510) 739-6133

April 20, 2008

9:00 AM – 10:30 AM  Questions and Answers from Milan and Kay
10:30 AM- 12:00 PM Milan to preach at church service.
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: (510) 739-6133

April 26, 2008

8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
 
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914

May 23 – 25, 2008

7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions.  Registration is still required.

June 12 – 14, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD

June 14, 2008

Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter March 27, 2008