Volume 68                                                                                                                         April 03 , 2008

Series:  Love Styles and Boundaries:  April 2008

An Overview of Boundaries

Let’s begin by reviewing what boundaries are all about.  Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written extensively on the topic of boundaries. 

The following overview is taken from the book by Cloud, Changes that Heal.  He devotes a chapter on boundaries. 

HEALTHY BONDING WITH BOUNDARIES:

Boundaries are the ability to maintain one’s own identity and selfhood while connecting with others.  

An intimate relationship needs both vulnerability and closeness as well as the freedom to move apart and be separate. 

In a healthy relationship, each person is supportive and encourages the uniqueness and
growth of the other. 

In other words, closeness does not equal sameness.

FUSION / ENMESHMENT

Thinking about a relationship with no (or few) boundaries will help us better understand boundaries. 

An enmeshed or fused relationship is an unhealthy bond in which boundaries are violated and any individuality, separateness, or differences are viewed as a threat and are not easily tolerated. 

Dependence may be exaggerated and the ability to function independently is limited.

1. IF A PERSON DOES NOT DRAW BOUNDARIES:

   If you have difficulty setting boundaries in general, here are some feelings you may experience.

   1.  You feel as if you are owned by others and feel like a slave.  You live by this lie:  “If someone asks anything of me, I must say yes.  I can't say no.”  (Never disagreeing or always saying “yes”,  may have been required in your childhood home, but as an adult we need to learn to say “no” at times.

   2.  You will be confused over who's responsible for what.   You will assume responsibility for others feelings, attitudes, and behavior.  You may also believe that others are responsible for how you feel and behave.

   3.  People who have problems with boundaries often feel they have the power to control others emotions.  They think, “I can make everyone happy if I just try hard enough.  If others are not happy it is always my fault.”

   SYMPTOMS OF BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

   Here are some symptoms you will notice as an adult if you did not learn to say, “no”, think for yourself, make decisions and develop your understanding of who you are.

   1.  You may have a sense of confusion of disorientation toward life feeling scattered, double minded, and confused.  You will allow others to be the master of your life.

   2.  You may feel trapped with few choices, often in a "no win" situation.  If you think about it you are probably very afraid of rejection.

   3.  Over time your “over-giving will cause anger, bitterness and resentment. 
   Sometimes, resentment may be manifested in health problems. While you are always doing for others, you receive little in return.  As an adult, your ability to know what you need and ask for it is lacking.

   4.  You may experience depression, panic, or become exhausted if you cannot set boundaries.  A person without boundaries often does not confront problems or set limits on the bad behavior of others.  Tolerating way to much from others can bring on negative emotions over time. 

   WHAT KEEPS US FROM SETTING BOUNDARIES?

   1.  Fear of aloneness.  Perhaps you may have experienced abandonment and will give up many parts of yourself to keep from feeling alone.

   2.  Idolatry.  Another person becomes indispensable and when one feels rejection is intolerable.  

   3.  Guilt.  Others may know how to manipulate you and withdraw love if you n any time I make a move toward separateness.  If being independent in any way is tied to a loss of love, you may feel guilty if you try to be separate.

   4.  You believe you are loving when in fact you are enabling.  Enabling is taking responsibility for another’s feeling, behaviors or choices that is rightfully theirs.  You may enable another to be irresponsible by controlling and taking responsibility for their attitudes, feelings and actions.  Giving to an abusive person who denies responsibility makes the problem worse.  If you don't set limits on evil it only gets bigger.

   TASKS TO LEARN TO DRAW BOUNDARIES

   1.  Learn to choose non-controlling people to bond too.  Have more than one supportive relationship so when I you feel rejected for setting limits you will have people who can support you through it. 

   2.  Learn to say no!  Postpone an immediate yes.  Rather say, "Let me give it some thought and I will get back to you with my answer".  If you have children teach them to say no and allow them to make decisions and mistakes.  That is how we learn.

   3.  When you begin saying no, you will have an abundance of this strange new possession; time for yourself!  Use this time to develop yourself, your interests, and the talents God has given you.

   4.  Establish a sense of separateness with those you love.  The goal is supported, guilt free, separateness.  Separateness and individuality does not equal loss of love.  Ideally, separateness should create a longing, missing, and desire to be together.

   Milan and I find that each of the love styles, the avoider, pleaser, vacillator, controller and victim have different struggles with boundaries.  We will take a week to explore each one. 

Thanks for listening,

 Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week: We will discuss some of your e-mail questions. 

NEWS ALERT: 

MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:

Kay and I will starting a weekly Monday night teaching event that will be hosted by our non-profit ministry, Relationship 180.  It will be at our home church, Coast Hills Church in Aliso Viejo, California and we will be discussing topics every week that will help turn relationships in the right direction.  We will begin in less than three weeks on April 14, 2008 from 7:00 – 8:30 PM.  Everyone is welcome, married, divorced, single, unaccompanied married persons etc.  Come join us.

In preparation of this city-wide affair, we are inviting you to come join us at an upcoming Open House. On Monday night April 7th we are gathering at our new offices to do four things.

1. Pray for the impact this new weekly study will have on relationships in our community.
2. Hear a personal report of Kay’s recent travels to Croatia (we have pictures J).
3. Give you a chance to see the new office space God recently provided.
4. And, introduce Eric Nachtrieb, the newest addition to the staff. Eric was the co-founder of the ministry and is going to join the team in April as the new Executive Director.

Stop by and say hi!

In Him,

Milan and Kay

If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California we are thinking about ways in which to share this valuable information with all of you.  Look for more information in the next few newsletters.

ANOTHER NEWS ALERT: 

We are EXTREMELY EXCITED about the opportunity for all of you to enjoy and learn from our "How We Love" Seminars. We videotaped a recent seminar and have created a three DVD package of the seminar. The DVD's have been finalized and we are sending them off to the duplicators!!!

This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!!

This long awaited three DVD set will give you an opportunity to experience firsthand our life changing, relationship improving "How We Love" Seminar.

One person who attended the seminar had this to say: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!"

The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say:

"Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple.  The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope.  This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages!  One response said  “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! "

See below for more information on this incredible seminar experience!!

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

Would You Like To Keep Your Family Safe Online?

We want to encourage all our friends to keep the computer a safe place for kids and teens and spouses.

As counselors we are alarmed at the rising use of pornography with the easy availability of on-line sites.

We think BSafe is a good way to minimize the risks of the internet..

Right now is a really good time to look into how BSafe can help you keep your loved ones safe, because they are offering a 10 day offer to evaulate the product.

Please use the following link to see how BSafe can help you save your family from unsafe sites on the internet.

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

To help us and receive your gift please use this link: How We Love Sexually - Survey

(Make sure that you answer ALL of the questions - if you do not see the "Thank You" page after clicking the button

review your questions - you have probably not answered one or more)

Thanks

Milan and Kay

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

April 18 – 19, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM Friday night Part 1
9:00 AM – 4 PM Saturday Part 2
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: Angelina at church office (510) 739-6133

April 20, 2008

9:00 AM – 10:30 AM  Questions and Answers from Milan and Kay
10:30 AM- 12:00 PM Milan to preach at church service.
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: (510) 739-6133

April 26, 2008

8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
 
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914

May 23 – 25, 2008

7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions.  Registration is still required.

June 12 – 14, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD

June 14, 2008

Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter April 03, 2008