Volume 69 April 10 , 2008
Series: Love Styles and Boundaries: April 2008
Avoiders and Boundaries
Let’s begin by reviewing what boundaries are all about. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written extensively on the topic of boundaries.
The following overview is taken from the book by Cloud, Changes that Heal. He devotes a chapter on boundaries.
HEALTHY BONDING WITH BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are the ability to maintain one’s own identity and selfhood while connecting with others.
An intimate relationship needs both vulnerability and closeness as well as the freedom to move apart and be separate.
In a healthy relationship, each person is supportive and encourages the uniqueness and
growth of the other.
In other words, closeness does not equal sameness.
FUSION / ENMESHMENT
Thinking about a relationship with no (or few) boundaries will help us better understand boundaries.
An enmeshed or fused relationship is an unhealthy bond in which boundaries are violated and any individuality, separateness, or differences are viewed as a threat and are not easily tolerated.
Dependence may be exaggerated and the ability to function independently is limited.
Avoiders and Boundaries
Most people who have trouble saying “No” or setting limits struggle with feelings of guilt or anxiety if they say “no”.
Since avoiders don’t feel much, it is often no problem for them to say “no”, or set limits.
Being self sufficient, they think others should be also and do not tend to feel much angst if they ignore the feelings and needs of others.
Avoiders often do not realize they have too many boundaries.
Remember having boundaries means one can say “no”.
It is possible to say “no” to things when God wants us to say “yes”.
Avoiders learned early in life to say “no” to the expression of their own feelings and needs.
They grew up in homes where most feelings were not allowed, sought after, or expressed.
Perhaps feelings or neediness in their childhood home was met with neglect, anger or overwhelmed exasperation.
Somehow, avoiders got the message, “Things so a lot better if I hide my emotions and take care of myself.”
All babies and kids have feelings and needs.
When it becomes painful to have feelings and needs we learn to push them away and disown them.
It gets easier to get rid of feeling and needs over time until it unknowingly becomes natural and normal.
The truth is God designed us to have feelings and needs.
As Christian we are encouraged to grow and become like Christ.
Jesus had feelings and needs.
Read through the gospels and note every time Jesus expressed a feeling or need.
You may be surprised.
Healthy boundaries involve setting limits.
Avoiders set rigid limits on their own humanness by restricting the very essence of what it mean to be human……to feel and to need.
Avoiders learned as kids to say “no” to feeling needy and asking for help.
We might picture avoiders as having a tightly guarded chamber where the pain of needing and not having is locked away.
Minimizing anything painful in the present keeps the chamber tightly guarded and pushed out of awareness.
Growth for avoider means softening their boundaries and allowing themselves to feel and need as adults.
While this sounds simple it is quite a process.
Many avoiders link neediness to disgust and shame.
To need is to feel flawed, unloveable and like something is wrong with me.
To need is “bad”.
This takes time and positive experiences of needing and receiving to break the link between needing and shame.
If you are married or in close relationship with an avoider they may make you feel something is wrong with you when you need or want emotional connection or would like to discuss and process feelings.
Remember this is not a vindictive act or intentionally hurtful behavior.
They are reacting out of those early childhood messages and learning that neediness is something to get rid of not encourage.
If you are an avoider.
You need to take responsibility for the wound inside you and learn to grow into the image of Christ.
If you have not gone through the workbook of How We Love, we encourage you to take that step.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
Next Week: Continued Discussion of Boundaries and the Love Styles.
NEWS ALERT:
NEXT WEEK WE START OUR MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:
Kay and I will starting a weekly Monday night teaching event that will be hosted by our non-profit ministry, Relationship 180. It will be at our home church, Coast Hills Church in Aliso Viejo, California and we will be discussing topics every week that will help turn relationships in the right direction. We will begin in less than three weeks on April 14, 2008 from 7:00 – 8:30 PM. Everyone is welcome, married, divorced, single, unaccompanied married persons etc. Come join us.
In Him,
Milan and Kay
If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California we are thinking about ways in which to share this valuable information with all of you. Look for more information in the next few newsletters.
SPREAD THE WORD:
If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters? Thanks.
How We Love - Seminar on DVD Coming NEXT WEEK!! Watch for a special announcement next week!! Have you ever wanted to actually go to one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars, and experience what everybody is talking about? Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???" While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. and the rest of the world!! So...for those people who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...we are working on the next best thing to being there in person with us. Thats right!!! We will be coming out with a video of one of our recent seminars!! Find out the ROOT of your relationship problems!! Discover your "Imprint of Intimacy" Learn your "Love Style" "Explore your martial "Core Pattern" Check your email inbox for a special announcement on how you can learn directly from Milan and Kay on this outstanding DVD set. This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!! One person who attended the seminar had this to say: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!" The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say: "Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple. The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope. This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages! One response said “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! " P.S. - You will be nicely surprised by the bonus items that we have added to this DVD set!! |
Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
Monday Night Relationship180
with Milan & Kay Yerkovich
at Coast Hills Community Church
· Tired of arguing with your family and friends over the same old issues?
· Longing for relationships with less conflict and more intimacy?
Come join Milan and Kay Yerkovich every Monday night as they teach about turning relationships in the right direction - first with God and then with others. You will discover truths that have transformed many relationships and which will help you find your way to richer, safer relationships.
In this weekly relationship class, New Life Radio co-host Milan Yerkovich and his wife Kay, a marriage and family therapist, will be sharing principles from the Bible and their new book How We Love about life, love and relationships.
Monday night weekly meetings begin April 14, 2008
7:00 – 8:30 in room 249
no childcare provided
For additional information contact:
Relationship180 (949) 830-2846 ~ www.relationship180.com.
or
Coast Hills Community Church ~ 5 Pursuit ~ Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
(949) 362-0079 ~ www.coasthillschurch.org
April 18 – 19, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM Friday night Part 1
9:00 AM – 4 PM Saturday Part 2
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: Angelina at church office (510) 739-6133
April 20, 2008
9:00 AM – 10:30 AM Questions and Answers from Milan and Kay
10:30 AM- 12:00 PM Milan to preach at church service.
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: (510) 739-6133
April 26, 2008
8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914
May 23 – 25, 2008
7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions. Registration is still required.
June 12 – 14, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD
June 14, 2008
Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter April 10, 2008