Volume 7 February 1, 2007
The TOP 5 Problems We Hear On the Radio…
and what to do about them.
Part 1 of 5
So you think that you are unique and that your problems are special? That your life or relationship stresses are known only to you and that somehow your case requires special advice or care? No, your problems are quite common. Actually, human beings are not that inventive. We all do the same things, have the same concerns and get into the same predictable dilemmas.
As a radio co-host on New Life Live, a nationally syndicated counseling talk show, I (Milan) have come to recognize that there are repeatable themes to the caller’s issues. Whether it is Freda in Fresno or Bill in Baltimore, guess what? As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).” In the next five weeks, we will cover the top five issues that we encounter and how to counter them so that you can grow and your situations might improve.
PROBLEM # 1: “Fifty going on fifteen!”
Cher from Charlotte called in to the show one day and wanted to know what she could do to get her husband to make up his mind about returning home or getting a divorce. In the first part of the call, she indicated that the weather was cold, it was the early afternoon and that she was snug in the kitchen with robe and slippers sipping a warm cup of tea.
At a desperate moment, several months ago, she had asked him to leave the house after 30 years of a dry and lifeless marriage. When she could not stand to any longer, she chose this extreme intervention, which he resisted for some time. Finally, he left the house, got an apartment and began to adjust to being alone. Within a few months, he had met an old girlfriend at a class reunion, fell head over heals and was essentially gone from the marriage.
Alone in a quite house with a lifetime of memories, with a teacup in hand, she was now lamenting her loneliness, hoping and wishing for her husband to decide to come home or end it. “What should I do and how can I get him to make up his mind?” Trusting an intuitive hunch, I sensed that she was still childlike inside and that she had no “adult voice”, and was therefore very dependent on others to make decisions and guide her life. My colleagues Dr. Hubbard and Steve Arterburn gave me a quizzical look as I asked her “Are your parents still alive?” Sadly, she said they had both died in last two years. I then asked, “When they were alive, were you adult like around them? With a voice, to speak differently? To be able to disagree with them, be an adult peer or equal, to be able to get angry at times and risk their disapproval? After a long pause, she said, “No… not at all”. Even though she was fifty something, she was still very little and childlike inside, even with her husband as well. She was still waiting for someone else bigger than her to take the lead and make the decision.
Children are born to be launched. Hopefully, as parents we clearly see this and foster a secure bond and attachment as well as the ability to tolerate separation and exploration and maturity. Our children will leave our house someday and they will be adults inside and out or they will be an adult on the outside and little on the inside, which will make them insecure and fearful of life and afraid to venture out on their own and make decisions and choices.
Have you learned to leave YOUR parents or are you still the kid or in a kid role when you enter back into the family system? So many of the radio calls during the holidays are about having to temporarily enter back into families where adults are expected to play out their childhood roles. At my oldest son’s wedding rehearsal dinner, I read the scriptures, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). I then proposed a toast and said, “As your dad, I am no longer your authority figure, so I would like to toast you as my new friends!”
Our advice to Cher?
1. She needed to begin the process of growing up inside.
2. She needed to admit to him that they should have been in marriage counseling years ago, and that she now regrets making a demand that was too extreme.
3. She needed to get dressed and explore her adult world. Perhaps go to school, gain an a adult career competency, get a job and face real life.
4. She needed to tell him of her love for him, her desire for them to be together and that they needed outside help to get there.
5. If after a reasonable period of time he refused and continued to live with the old girlfriend, she would need to choose for herself to move on in her life.
If Cher’s story strikes a chord within you perhaps it is time that you grew up also.
One of the best books that can help you deal with this issue is: Changes That Heal
You can get this book by clicking here: Changes That Heal
Get this book, read it and start being the adult you truly are.
Love,
Milan and Kay
Valentine's Day is right around the corner!!
Would you like to actually DO something with your spouse instead of just BUYING some object for them?
Would you like to make Valentine's day a MEMORABLE occasion by doing something that is UNEXPECTED, but VERY APPRECIATED!!
Here are the first five tips from -
Milan and Kay’s 10 Romantic Dates & Ideas
1. I approached the house and saw a note taped to the front door. It said to follow the clues to find a surprise. Each of the clues lead me all around the house with one of the clues being taped to the tummy of the dog which I discovered when I was told in clue #6 to tell Heidi to “roll over”. At the end of the 10 clues, I found Kay hiding in the closet with a present wrapped for Valentine’s Day. Use your imagination… what other surprises could be in the closet?
2. On Valentine’s Day, instead of fighting the crowds at a restaurant tell your wife that you have something special for her. So, send her out to do something fun in the afternoon, and when she returns, she will discover a fire in the fireplace, pillows and blankets, a glass of wine or sparkling juice, a prepared dinner (take out is OK too) , music, soft lights and no kids. Have a slow and leisurely evening.
3. Reenact your first date or dates. If possible, drive to where you first met and go to the old neighborhoods, tell stories, visit the restaurants, schools, theatres and favorite things to do. Go to the church where you were married, perhaps even stay at the hotel where you stayed after the ceremony. Tell old stories and laugh a lot.
4. Plan a weekend trip and have your best couple friends surprise her by being at the destination.
5. Have a gourmet picnic on the beach or in a picturesque park or outdoor venue. If you are not a good cook, have someone (not your mom) help you make one. Take the one or two books that are on your wife’s nightstand, and ask her to read or tell you what is meaningful to her. Be sure to take blankets and pillows.
(Look for the remaining 5 tips from: "Milan and Kay’s 10 Romantic Dates & Ideas" in the next issue!!)
ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!
Is your child rebellious?
Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?
Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"
Do you have trouble making your child listen?
Do you ever just wonder, "What
do I do?"
Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.
We have the book for you!
You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.
Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.
Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read. Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.
This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges
Love,
Kay
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.
We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.
Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!
We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used. ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.
Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.
You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.
The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.
After you answer the survey will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.
You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.
The survey should be ready in the next couple of weeks - so look for information on how you can participate in our upcoming newsletters.
Thanks
Milan and Kay
For those of you in the Southern California area, or for those of you who would like to visit the Southern California area we will be appearing at the following locations:
Upcoming Workshops:
"How We Love …as Parents". A parenting workshop. Grace Community Church, Lake Forest, CA February 16-17, 2007.
"How We Love ...A Marriage Workshop". Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA March 9-10, 2007
" How We Love … Sexually". A marriage workshop focusing on the pleasures and conflicts of sex. Coast Hills Community Church, Aliso Viejo, CA. March 31, 2007.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do in the upcoming New Year.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:
How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage