Volume 70 April 17, 2008
Series: Love Styles and Boundaries: April 2008
Pleasers and Boundaries
Let’s begin by reviewing what boundaries are all about. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written extensively on the topic of boundaries.
The following overview is taken from the book by Cloud, Changes that Heal. He devotes a chapter on boundaries.
HEALTHY BONDING WITH BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are the ability to maintain one’s own identity and selfhood while connecting with others.
An intimate relationship needs both vulnerability and closeness as well as the freedom to move apart and be separate.
In a healthy relationship, each person is supportive and encourages the uniqueness and
growth of the other.
In other words, closeness does not equal sameness.
FUSION / ENMESHMENT
Thinking about a relationship with no (or few) boundaries will help us better understand boundaries.
An enmeshed or fused relationship is an unhealthy bond in which boundaries are violated and any individuality, separateness, or differences are viewed as a threat and are not easily tolerated.
Dependence may be exaggerated and the ability to function independently is limited.
Pleasers and Boundaries
Pleasers have difficultly with setting limits, saying no, or doing anything that might make someone unhappy or angry with them.
Remember their one goal is to make others happy so they can relax.
When those close to them display negative emotions pleasers scurry around to make it all better.
Pleasers are the ultimate “fixers” and they have difficulty upsetting anyone.
Saying “no” may cause others to be unhappy or frustrated.
Pleasers are ultra-sensitive to rejection and will do all they can to avoid it.
Pleasers have difficulty with the emotion of anger in general.
They don’t like to feel it, express it, or have anyone be angry with them.
Since they avoid anger it takes years of giving too much before pleasers start to feel frustrated and resentful.
Setting limits often comes out of the emotions of frustration, irritation or anger.
When someone steps on your toe and stands there, your first reaction is to push them off because it hurts.
Pleasers minimize their own discomfort and talk themselves out of being hurt or angry.
When someone stands on their toe (figuratively of course) they say, “Well, they don’t really know they are on my toe.
It’s OK. It really doesn’t hurt.
They might think I’m pushy and mean if I tell them to ‘Get off my toe.’ ”
In general, a pleaser’s boundaries are too soft.
They give too much and take too much without a thought about the cost to them.
Pleasers have difficulty with honesty.
Again an honest talk may likely cause discomfort and pleasers want to avoid discomfort.
Pleasers tell me they feel “mean” when they are honest in any way.
Role playing any boundary setting is essential in the beginning.
Often the pleaser is so nice the boundary gets lost in the overly pleasant, polite language.
Pleasers won’t set good boundaries until they deal with their intense fear of rejection and or abandonment.
To a pleaser, rejection feels deadly.
In truth, Jesus faced rejection daily when he was on the earth.
He still does.
Jesus had enemies on earth during his life.
He still has enemies today.
He tolerates rejection and the anger of both believers and unbelievers alike.
This is where pleasers need to grow in the image and likeness of Christ.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
Next Week: Continued Discussion of Boundaries and the Love Styles.
NEWS ALERT:
MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:
Wow!!!!
We had a standing room only packed room last Monday for the start of our Monday Night Relationship Building Series. An enthusiastic crowd of over 215 people were on hand to learn from Milan and Kay some valuable lessons in relationship building. This is just the start of a 10 week program designed to help people just like you to make the most out of their valuable relations with others. We look forward to seeing you all next Monday night. Don't be shy about bringing your friends along for the ride, we will be moving to larger (and cooler) accomodations next week.
If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California you can still have the oppportunity to see and hear what you missed. We videotaped the first installment of the Relationship Building Series and will have it available on our website by next week. If you prefer we also will have just the audio portion available to listen to.
SPREAD THE WORD:
If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters? Thanks.
How We Love - Seminar on DVD is FINALLY HERE!! Have you ever wanted to actually go to one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars, and experience what everybody is talking about? Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???" While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. and the rest of the world!! So...for all of you who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...the solution is here in this incredible two day seminar recorded live in Ventura California. When you experience this DVD package you will: Find out the ROOT of your relationship problems!! Discover your "Imprint of Intimacy" Learn your "Love Style" "Explore your martial "Core Pattern" This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!! One person who attended the seminar said: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!" The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say: "Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple. The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope. This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages! One response said “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! "
P.S. - You will be nicely surprised by the bonus items that we have added to this DVD set!! Use the link below to find out more: Find Out More About This Inspiring DVD Package Blessings, Milan and Kay
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Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
Monday Night Relationship180
with Milan & Kay Yerkovich
at Coast Hills Community Church
· Tired of arguing with your family and friends over the same old issues?
· Longing for relationships with less conflict and more intimacy?
Come join Milan and Kay Yerkovich every Monday night as they teach about turning relationships in the right direction - first with God and then with others. You will discover truths that have transformed many relationships and which will help you find your way to richer, safer relationships.
In this weekly relationship class, New Life Radio co-host Milan Yerkovich and his wife Kay, a marriage and family therapist, will be sharing principles from the Bible and their new book How We Love about life, love and relationships.
Monday night weekly meetings begin April 14, 2008
7:00 – 8:30 in room 249
no childcare provided
For additional information contact:
Relationship180 (949) 830-2846 ~ www.relationship180.com.
or
Coast Hills Community Church ~ 5 Pursuit ~ Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
(949) 362-0079 ~ www.coasthillschurch.org
April 18 – 19, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM Friday night Part 1
9:00 AM – 4 PM Saturday Part 2
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: Angelina at church office (510) 739-6133
April 20, 2008
9:00 AM – 10:30 AM Questions and Answers from Milan and Kay
10:30 AM- 12:00 PM Milan to preach at church service.
Tree of Life, Lord’s Harvest Christian Church
4140 Peralta Blvd.
Fremont, CA 94536
Registration & information: (510) 739-6133
April 26, 2008
8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914
May 23 – 25, 2008
7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions. Registration is still required.
June 12 – 14, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD
June 14, 2008
Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattersn in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emtional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current reltionships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, efffective techniques to kickstart the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter April 17, 2008