Volume 71 April 24, 2008
Series: Love Styles and Boundaries: April 2008
Vacillators and Boundaries
Let’s begin by reviewing what boundaries are all about. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written extensively on the topic of boundaries.
The following overview is taken from the book by Cloud, Changes that Heal. He devotes a chapter on boundaries.
HEALTHY BONDING WITH BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are the ability to maintain one’s own identity and selfhood while connecting with others.
An intimate relationship needs both vulnerability and closeness as well as the freedom to move apart and be separate.
In a healthy relationship, each person is supportive and encourages the uniqueness and
growth of the other.
In other words, closeness does not equal sameness.
FUSION / ENMESHMENT
Thinking about a relationship with no (or few) boundaries will help us better understand boundaries.
An enmeshed or fused relationship is an unhealthy bond in which boundaries are violated and any individuality, separateness, or differences are viewed as a threat and are not easily tolerated.
Dependence may be exaggerated and the ability to function independently is limited.
Vacillators and Boundaries
Vacillator’s go back and forth between boundaries that are too rigid and too soft.
When things are good and idealized their boundaries are often too soft or lacking.
When disappointment sets in and they are angry, a vacillator’s boundaries may become rigid and too extreme.
Let me explain.
In new situations Vacillators tend to idealize and ignore red flags that, if seen, might make them a bit more cautious and willing to say “no”.
Vacillators crave change and new situations because it is easy to idealize and get excited about something new.
New means there are no disappointments yet.
In new situations vacillators ignore red flags and see only the good.
When vacillators are getting some intense “good” feelings whether from a new church, new relationship, new pregnancy, new job, new move, (etc) their boundaries are too soft.
The “good” feelings are a great distraction from any problems in their life.
Noticing any potential problems, red flags or probable disappointments would kill the good feelings.
To set boundaries one must see and anticipate potential problems.
Ignoring red flags makes this impossible.
Let me share an example.
I worked with a vacillator who constantly changed jobs.
Early on in a job interview, she (it could have been a he) would enthusiastically believe whatever she was told about the new company without questioning anything or looking for potential problems.
She idealized anything new and her enthusiasm was contagious so she often got the “new” job.
She accepted any terms (straight commission, no insurance etc.) telling me, “They will promote me when they see what a good job I do.”
She promised the moon, set no limits, never negotiated; she just impulsively “dove in”.
Of course it did not take long for problems to develop and disappointments to set in.
She was so “blindsided” when she encountered difficulties that she overreacted and became rigid in her boundaries.
“I’m quitting tomorrow.
How do you expect people to live on straight commission?
I can’t even pay my rent.”
Before long she was angry discontent and looking for a new job.
Here is a growth tip for vacillators.
Own the fact that you crave something new idealizing the outcome.
Look for potential problems.
Look for and write down red flags.
Try to discover what the potential problems and disappoints will be.
Be cautious.
Set some limits.
When you are angry and reactive that is not the time to announce your boundaries.
Sit on it.
Process it.
Think about it.
Set sad, not mad.
Share the hurt.
Be reasonable rather than overreacting.
You are way more likely to be heard and respected if you take this approach.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
Next Week: Continued Discussion of Boundaries and the Love Styles - Controllers and Victims and Boundaries..
NEWS ALERT:
MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:
We had another fabulous turnout last Monday for the second of our Monday Night Relationship Building Series. An enthusiastic crowd got to sit in the comfortable accommodations of the sanctuary at Coast Hills Church to learn from Milan and Kay some valuable lessons in relationship building. This continuing 10 week program is designed to help people just like you to make the most out of their valuable relations with others. We look forward to seeing you all next Monday night. Don't be shy about bringing your friends along for the ride.
If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California you can still have the opportunity to see and hear what you missed. We videotaped the Relationship Building Series and now have it available on our web site. So if you cant' make it to these invaluable Monday Night Sessions you don't have to worry about missing out. Please look at the following link to find out how you can listen to and or see what you missed.
Monday Night Relationship Building CDs and DVD's
SPREAD THE WORD:
If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters? Thanks.
How We Love - Seminar on DVD is FINALLY HERE!! Have you ever wanted to actually go to one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars, and experience what everybody is talking about? Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???" While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. and the rest of the world!! So...for all of you who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...the solution is here in this incredible two day seminar recorded live in Ventura California. When you experience this DVD package you will: Find out the ROOT of your relationship problems!! Discover your "Imprint of Intimacy" Learn your "Love Style" "Explore your marital "Core Pattern" This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!! One person who attended the seminar said: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!" The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say: "Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple. The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope. This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages! One response said “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! "
P.S. - You will be nicely surprised by the bonus items that we have added to this DVD set!! Use the link below to find out more: Find Out More About This Inspiring DVD Package Blessings, Milan and Kay
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Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
Monday Night Relationship180
with Milan & Kay Yerkovich
at Coast Hills Community Church
· Tired of arguing with your family and friends over the same old issues?
· Longing for relationships with less conflict and more intimacy?
Come join Milan and Kay Yerkovich every Monday night as they teach about turning relationships in the right direction - first with God and then with others. You will discover truths that have transformed many relationships and which will help you find your way to richer, safer relationships.
In this weekly relationship class, New Life Radio co-host Milan Yerkovich and his wife Kay, a marriage and family therapist, will be sharing principles from the Bible and their new book How We Love about life, love and relationships.
Monday night weekly meetings begin April 14, 2008
7:00 – 8:30 in room 249
no childcare provided
For additional information contact:
Relationship180 (949) 830-2846 ~ www.relationship180.com.
or
Coast Hills Community Church ~ 5 Pursuit ~ Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
(949) 362-0079 ~ www.coasthillschurch.org
April 26, 2008
8:30 AM – 12:00 PM
Childbirth Education Association, Orange County Chapter
“Nurturing the Couple Connection in the Postpartum Period” (Milan & Kay)
Embassy Suites, Anaheim – South
11767 Harbor Boulevard
Garden Grove, CA 92840
Costs & Information: Rosemary (714) 639-5772 and / or www.ceaorangecounty.com
(Parents and parents-to-be are welcome to attend but must register.)
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914
May 23 – 25, 2008
7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions. Registration is still required.
June 12 – 14, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD
June 14, 2008
Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattern in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current relationships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, effective techniques to kick start the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter April 24, 2008