Volume 72 May 01 , 2008
Series: Love Styles and Boundaries: April 2008
Controllers and Victims and Boundaries
Let’s begin by reviewing what boundaries are all about. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have written extensively on the topic of boundaries.
The following overview is taken from the book by Cloud, Changes that Heal. He devotes a chapter on boundaries.
HEALTHY BONDING WITH BOUNDARIES:
Boundaries are the ability to maintain one’s own identity and selfhood while connecting with others.
An intimate relationship needs both vulnerability and closeness as well as the freedom to move apart and be separate.
In a healthy relationship, each person is supportive and encourages the uniqueness and
growth of the other.
In other words, closeness does not equal sameness.
FUSION / ENMESHMENT
Thinking about a relationship with no (or few) boundaries will help us better understand boundaries.
An enmeshed or fused relationship is an unhealthy bond in which boundaries are violated and any individuality, separateness, or differences are viewed as a threat and are not easily tolerated.
Dependence may be exaggerated and the ability to function independently is limited.
Controllers and Victims and Boundaries
Controllers
Controllers have endless boundaries and they are often inconsistent, unpredictable and unfair.
What may be OK one day might set them into a tirade on another day.
In general any time a controller becomes insecure (and this may happen so fast they don’t know it) they will become more rigid and controlling.
Control makes everything and everyone predictable and predictability settles down that flash of anxiety, or inadequacy.
As kids controllers were often allowed no boundaries. They had to endure and take what every came their way. Somewhere along the way, they decided, “No more!” Taking charge and getting everyone “into their box” serves a purpose. It helps prevent them from feeling painful childhood feelings of fear, inadequacy and humiliation created by an erratic, volatile environment.
Controllers have no problem with anger and saying “No”. They have problems with accessing any emotion under the anger. When someone says “no” or sets a boundary with a controller, they are almost literally back in their childhood home. Here is what they learned growing up…”If any one else has control in any way, bad thing will happen.” So, they fight other people’s boundaries and resist any authority, limits, or control over them.
Ultimately, controllers do not respect people they can run over, control and manipulate.
What a dilemma they are in!
The solution?
Controllers need to realize, they will never suffer as adults the same way they did as kids when they truly had no control. They need to learn to receive comfort for those horrible memories. It takes a lot of the power out of past trauma when the memories are acknowledged, felt and soothed.
Controllers need to learn equality and reciprocity.
This is new.
Some one else can have control for a while and it is not deadly or humiliating.
Sometimes, my way; sometimes your way; sometimes a compromise. This is all new territory for the controller, but they have to let go of rigid harsh boundaries to achieve this.
What about victims?
Of all the types, victims have no boundaries. They acquiesced to rigid control as kids and learned to tolerate way too much. The abnormal became normal. The intolerable became tolerable. The unthinkable became common place.
Victims have no measure of “normal”.
Suffering, chaos and mistreatment were so common growing up it is literally just about all they know. To complicate matters, they carry “I can’t resist” attitude and belief in their posture, gestures, voice tones and facial expressions.
Thus, they get victimized again and again.
They practically wear a sign around their neck that says, “You can do anything to me and I won’t stop you”.
I encourage people who have endured this level of victimization to get involved in some sort of aggressive physical activity. Kick boxing, martial arts, even something like tennis where you have to whack a ball. In my experience once the body knows how to “fight back” or be assertive, it is way easier to learn relationally. I have seen this be the beginning of a transformation for men and women who were victimized as kids.
The goal is to help victims feel their power.
It fuels their ability to say, “no”, set limits and protect themselves.
Love and blessings,
Milan & Kay
Next Week: More valuable relationship tips!
NEWS ALERT:
MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:
Our Monday Night Relationship Building Series continues to attract more and more people. Last Monday we covered "The Avoider" - what an EYE-OPENER this session was for MANY people!!
This continuing 10 week program is designed to help people just like you to make the most out of their valuable relationships with others. We look forward to seeing you all next Monday night. Don't be shy about bringing your friends along for the ride.
If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California you can still have the opportunity to see and hear what you missed. We videotaped the Relationship Building Series and now have it available on our web site. So if you cant' make it to these invaluable Monday Night Sessions you don't have to worry about missing out. Please look at the following link to find out how you can listen to and or see what you missed. We only have a limited number of these DVD's and CD's available, get yours before they are gone.
Monday Night Relationship Building CDs and DVD's
SPREAD THE WORD:
If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters? Thanks.
How We Love - Seminar on DVD is FINALLY HERE!! Have you ever wanted to actually go to one of Milan and Kay's "How We Love" seminars, and experience what everybody is talking about? Many of you have asked "Milan and Kay, when are you going to be giving a seminar in MY AREA???" While we would love to have the opportunity to meet each and every one of you and for you to learn some valuable relationship skills at our seminars....it is physically IMPOSSIBLE for us to give seminars in every city in the U.S. and the rest of the world!! So...for all of you who would be interested in seeing exactly what happens at one of our seminars, and learn the skills that you need to improve your valuable relationships...the solution is here in this incredible two day seminar recorded live in Ventura California. When you experience this DVD package you will: Find out the ROOT of your relationship problems!! Discover your "Imprint of Intimacy" Learn your "Love Style" "Explore your marital "Core Pattern" This is a complete "How We Love" LIVE SEMINAR and you will find that once you know of all of the extra bonus items included in the package that you will be excited also!! One person who attended the seminar said: "My husband and I attended your weekend "How We Love" seminar. We were absolutely energized by the experience!" The sponsor of the seminar had these kinds words to say: "Everyone loved the material presented, the emotional intensity of the conference, and your transparency as a couple. The real emotional responses from numerous couples were about how difficult things had been in their marriage and how you gave them hope. This was especially evident in the prayer requests submitted- a VERY long list of submitted requests for their marriages! One response said “we felt our marriage was over and I really think we have a chance since we can better understand the sources of our problems.” I saw one praise of an unbelieving husband who came with his wife, and she said he was positive about the church, and of the weekend, and they had talked more that weekend than in 14 years of married life! "
P.S. - You will be nicely surprised by the bonus items that we have added to this DVD set!! Use the link below to find out more: Find Out More About This Inspiring DVD Package Blessings, Milan and Kay
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Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!
And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!
Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:
How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
How We Love More Fully - NOW AVAILABLE IN CD FORMAT Now you can experience this inspiring sermon on CD with Milan's study notes printed for your convenience - we will ship it to you or someone you think could benefit from this incredible audio.
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Do you need to be motivated to love more fully? Would you like to be inspired to take some steps to improve your relationships? I’d love to share two sermons with you called How to Love More Fully. I’ve gotten some positive feedback from the people who heard these seven important points and I want to inspire you to deepen your relationships. I’ll include my study notes so you can follow along. Use the following link to learn more: Use This Link To Find Out How to Love More Fully Blessings, Milan |
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:
Monday Night Relationship180
with Milan & Kay Yerkovich
at Coast Hills Community Church
· Tired of arguing with your family and friends over the same old issues?
· Longing for relationships with less conflict and more intimacy?
Come join Milan and Kay Yerkovich every Monday night as they teach about turning relationships in the right direction - first with God and then with others. You will discover truths that have transformed many relationships and which will help you find your way to richer, safer relationships.
In this weekly relationship class, New Life Radio co-host Milan Yerkovich and his wife Kay, a marriage and family therapist, will be sharing principles from the Bible and their new book How We Love about life, love and relationships.
Monday night weekly meetings begin April 14, 2008
7:00 – 8:30 in room 249
no childcare provided
For additional information contact:
Relationship180 (949) 830-2846 ~ www.relationship180.com.
or
Coast Hills Community Church ~ 5 Pursuit ~ Aliso Viejo, CA 92656
(949) 362-0079 ~ www.coasthillschurch.org
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008
7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914
May 23 – 25, 2008
7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions. Registration is still required.
June 12 – 14, 2008
How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD
June 14, 2008
Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!
RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri. Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :
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How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattern in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage. |
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How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current relationships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, effective techniques to kick start the process of lasting change and more. |
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter May 01, 2008