Volume 74                                                                                                                          May 15 , 2008

Series:  Comfort and Relief:  May 2008

Comfort and Relief
Part 2 of 4

Each of the injured love styles is a learned method for coping with stress. 

Avoiders attempt to soothe themselves by moving away from the irritation and problem solving. 

Pleasers find relief by staying close and seeking reassurance. 

The Vacillator is comforted by angrily pursuing and wearing down the person causing the irritation.

The Controller settles agitation by angrily dominating the behaviors of others.

And the Victim obtains relief by utter compliance to the whims and wishes of others.

While defense mechanisms served to protect the person when they were a child, they do not serve us well as adults but rather sabotage the very closeness and intimacy we desire. 

So how can we find a more excellent way to find comfort, relief and soothing for our lives that will also bring the bonding and intimacy that our soul longs for?  

The answer is “The Comfort Circle.” 

Over the next four weeks we are going to learn what it is as well as how to apply it to:

• Ourselves for self-soothing (internal).
• In our prayers as we seek comfort from God (vertical).
• and with others who give us relief by listening and providing comfort (horizontal).. 

A well-balanced life encompasses all three of these aspects.

In a home where the parents are secure, and emotionally and relationally healthy, they begin to teach their children how to cope with life. 

Between the ages of one and six, the child learns internal stress response mechanisms… that is, the ability to cope with difficulty and self-soothing skills to settle themselves down internally when agitated or distressed.

These are learned gradually day by day as the child wanders away to explore their world, encounter difficulties, try to deal with them and then return to mom or dad for comfort and soothing.

This cycle of exploration into stress followed by the return to mom / dad for comfort and guidance occurs thousands of times during this phase of life.

When the child enters the school years where they are away from the parent for many hours, the internal coping skills that were developed in the previous years are put to the test.

The child’s daily stress must be managed without the assistance of the parent. 

The child discovers when to set boundaries, when to speak up, when to retreat to a teacher for assistance, and when to push back when bullied … all the while remembering that mom and dad will support, guide  and comfort them when they get home. 

Over time, with many of the problems that they face daily, they get used to soothing themselves and settling themselves down when alone.

By the time they get home from school, they have already managed the problems of the day, are not anxious anymore and often need little reassurance or comfort from the parent.  

Well, that is the healthy home! 

What if the parent(s) were not healthy and secure? 

What if the parent(s) were not available or intermittently attentive? 

What if a parent was overly protective and discouraged exploration? 

What if the parent was hostile and the child was fearful of approaching the parent for comfort and relief?

What if the parent was really a child itself and had little or no ability to manage himself or herself in an adult world?

The answer is that the child will grow up to be insecure and have poor coping skills as an adult.

This child will simply not know what to do with themselves when agitated and exposed to stress and will end up doing things that simply do not work well. 

Thus, conflicts are not settled constructively and the child is left with feelings of shame, humiliation, anxiety, fear and anger.

They end up as one if the insecure attachment styles as each of the injured love styles are a learned method for coping with stress. 

Avoiders attempt to soothe themselves by moving away from the irritation and problem solving. 

Pleasers find relief by staying close and seeking reassurance. 

The Vacillator is comforted by angrily pursuing and wearing down the person causing the irritation.

The Controller settles agitation by angrily dominating the behaviors of others.

And the Victim obtains relief by utter compliance to the whims and wishes of others.

These underdeveloped coping skills sabotage the very closeness and intimacy we desire. 

What we did not learn as children, we must now learn as adults. 

We must learn to follow this God ordained cyclical pattern of exploration (separation) and return (comfort) with safe people, which will ultimately bring security as well as the bonding, and intimacy that our soul longs for.  

In the next few weeks, we will apply the “Comfort Circle” that we speak of in our book How We Love and learn to apply it to:

• Ourselves for self-soothing (internal).
• In our prayers as we seek comfort from God (vertical).
• And with others who give us relief by listening and providing comfort (horizontal). 

A well-balanced life encompasses all three of these aspects.

Thanks for being willing to grow together with us.

Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

PS:  On June 18, I am having open-heart surgery to have the mitral valve in my heart repaired to make it more efficient.  Lord willing, the doctor says that I will be in the hospital for 5 days, driving in 2 weeks, and no limits at 12 weeks.  Please don’t call us or visit the hospital to see how I am doing, my family will have enough on their plates.  You can keep up with everything going on at our blog that my journalistic award-winning daughter Kelly will be updating daily.  It is http://milanupdate.blogspot.com. You can go there now, learn more about the procedure, the doctor, and read a cool poem that Kay wrote.  Thanks for the continued prayers.

PPS:

• If you live in Southern California, join us every Monday night at Coast Hills Community Church as we teach on relationships from 7:00 – 8:30 PM.. 
• If you are in the Pacific Northwest, join us at the Lighthouse Christian Center’s weekend marriage retreat at Gig Harbor, Washington, May 23-25, 2008.  They have five more rooms at the hotel available.  Interested?  Call quickly to reserve a spot.  The church number is (253) 848- 2028.
• Check out some of our new products available as CD’s or DVD’s at: www.howwelove.com/shop

Next Week: Comfort and Relief Part 3 of series.

NEWS ALERT: 

MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:

Our Monday Night Relationship Building Series continues to attract more and more people. Last Monday we covered "The Vacillator ".

This continuing 10 week program is designed to help people just like you to make the most out of their valuable relationships with others. We look forward to seeing you all next Monday night. Don't be shy about bringing your friends along for the ride.

If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California you can still have the opportunity to see and hear what you missed. We videotaped the Relationship Building Series and now have it available on our web site. So if you cant' make it to these invaluable Monday Night Sessions you don't have to worry about missing out. Please look at the following link to find out how you can listen to and or see what you missed. We only have a limited number of these DVD's and CD's available, get yours before they are gone.

THE MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING SESSIONS ARE NOW AVAILABLE TO BE DOWNLOADED - No waiting - Listen immediately on your IPOD or MP3 Player.

Follow the link below to find out more information and select the session that you would like to learn more about.

Monday Night Relationship Building CDs and DVD's and Downloads

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

 
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914

May 23 – 25, 2008

7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions.  Registration is still required.

June 12 – 14, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD

June 14, 2008

Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattern in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current relationships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, effective techniques to kick start the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter May 15, 2008