Volume 75                                                                                                                          May 22 , 2008

Series:  Comfort and Relief:  May 2008

Comfort and Relief
Part 3 of 4

Each of the injured love styles is a learned method for coping with stress. 

Avoiders attempt to soothe themselves by moving away from the irritation and problem solving. 

Pleasers find relief by staying close and seeking reassurance. 

The Vacillator is comforted by angrily pursuing and wearing down the person causing the irritation.

The Controller settles agitation by angrily dominating the behaviors of others.

And the Victim obtains relief by utter compliance to the whims and wishes of others.

While defense mechanisms served to protect the person when they were a child, they do not serve us well as adults but rather sabotage the very closeness and intimacy we desire. 

So how can we find a more excellent way to find comfort, relief and soothing for our lives that will also bring the bonding and intimacy that our soul longs for?  

The answer is “The Comfort Circle.” 

Over the next four weeks we are going to learn what it is as well as how to apply it to:

• Ourselves for self-soothing (internal).
• In our prayers as we seek comfort from God (vertical).
• and with others who give us relief by listening and providing comfort (horizontal).. 

A well-balanced life encompasses all three of these aspects.

While all of us experience trials that lead to distress, few of us know what comfort and relief feels like. 

In addition, we have internal conflicts that wage war within our souls and if that were not enough, we have relational conflict in which we hurt and damage one another. 

The weaker our childhood training was, the poorer we are at handling all of the stresses which life brings. 

As I said last week, ‘these underdeveloped coping skills sabotage the very closeness and intimacy we desire. 

What we did not learn as children, we must now learn as adults.  If we do not we will be quick to run to busyness, additions and adrenaline to settle ourselves down. 

So, how can we apply the “Comfort Circle” that we speak of in our book How We Love for the purposes of self-soothing to provide internal relief?

Let us take a lesson from Nehemiah, who was one of the rebuilders of Jerusalem after the Babylonian captivity in approximately 535 BC.  Neh. 5:6-7 says, “When I heard their outcry and these charges, I was very angry.  I pondered them in my mind and then accused the nobles and officials.” 

Step 1:  Become self-aware and acknowledge to yourself what emotions are strong within you now.  You can look at our “soul words” list in our book.  In Nehemiah’s case, he was angry and could clearly express that to himself.

Step 2:  He then engaged within his own mind and pondered the situation.  In another translation, it says that he “consulted with himself.” This is just like talking to another person, in that we have an internal dialogue and talk it over what is upsetting us. 

Step 3:  By slowing down in such a manner, we then find ourselves listening to ourselves and validating the reality of the emotions within ourselves.  “Yes, I’m really hurt and angry right now, and what that person said or did was hurtful.” 
The inner dialogue continues, “Was it intentional? What’s going on inside of them right now?”  As we slow the process down and add logic and analysis, we keep our left-brain “powered up” so that the emotional side of ourselves does not dominate and lead us down a destructive path.  Remind yourself that God unconditionally loves you and so do many close people in your lives.  Tell yourself that you are not alone in this and that you will receive comfort later.  

Step 4: Resolution comes as we ask ourselves, “What do I need that will help me deal with this better?” Then, explore options for self-soothing.  I have found it helpful to do slow rhythmic breathing, asking God to help you in this place of pain as well as some walking or exercise. In addition, by writing things in a journal, you place these thoughts on paper, which then allows your brain to see them in black and white.  Then read your journal entries aloud and evaluate your thoughts in an audible manner.  This helps your brain process in a different manner, which will help your mind see things more fully.

What Nehemiah did was to create a “gap” between the infraction and the reaction.  Within this gap, in which he ‘‘consulted with himself” he undoubtedly did many of the steps listed above.  This self soothing exercise  generated a composure which then allowed him to enter into dialogue and conflict with the nobles in a controlled manner which is always more productive than when we just “fly off the handle.”

Next week, we will learn how to make the comfort circle be a part of our prayer life so that we can learn to seek comfort from God (vertical).

Thanks for being willing to grow together with us.

Love and blessings,

Milan & Kay

PS: On Tuesday May 20th, my mother passed away after spending the last 8 years confined to a bed.  We are delighted at the new freedom that she is experiencing in the presence of the Lord.  Pray for us over the next two weeks as we plan the funeral and bring a close to this chapter of our lives.

On June 18, I am having open-heart surgery to have the mitral valve in my heart repaired to make it more efficient.  Lord willing, the doctor says that I will be in the hospital for 5 days, driving in 2 weeks, and no limits at 12 weeks.  Please don’t call us or visit the hospital to see how I am doing, my family will have enough on their plates.  You can keep up with everything going on at our blog that my journalistic award-winning daughter Kelly will be updating daily.  It is http://milanupdate.blogspot.com. You can go there now, learn more about the procedure, the doctor, and read a cool poem that Kay wrote.  Thanks for the continued prayers.

PPS:

• If you live in Southern California, join us every Monday night at Coast Hills Community Church as we teach on relationships from 7:00 – 8:30 PM.. 
• If you are in the Pacific Northwest, join us at the Lighthouse Christian Center’s weekend marriage retreat at Gig Harbor, Washington, May 23-25, 2008.  They have five more rooms at the hotel available.  Interested?  Call quickly to reserve a spot.  The church number is (253) 848- 2028.
• Check out some of our new products available as CD’s or DVD’s at: www.howwelove.com/shop

Next Week: Comfort and Relief Part 4 of series.

NEWS ALERT: 

MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING:

Our Monday Night Relationship Building Series continues to attract more and more people. Last Monday we covered "The Controll/Victim ".

This continuing 10 week program is designed to help people just like you to make the most out of their valuable relationships with others. We look forward to seeing you all next Monday night. Don't be shy about bringing your friends along for the ride.

If you cannot make it to these Monday night events in California you can still have the opportunity to see and hear what you missed. We videotaped the Relationship Building Series and now have it available on our web site. So if you cant' make it to these invaluable Monday Night Sessions you don't have to worry about missing out. Please look at the following link to find out how you can listen to and or see what you missed. We only have a limited number of these DVD's and CD's available, get yours before they are gone.

THE MONDAY NIGHT RELATIONSHIP BUILDING SESSIONS ARE NOW AVAILABLE TO BE DOWNLOADED - No waiting - Listen immediately on your IPOD or MP3 Player.

Follow the link below to find out more information and select the session that you would like to learn more about.

Monday Night Relationship Building CDs and DVD's and Downloads

SPREAD THE WORD:

If you enjoyed our newsletter, would you please forward it to your e-mail list or send a memo out encouraging them to sign up for our weekly newsletters?  Thanks.

Now the Life Changing Book "How We Love" is in PAPERBACK!!!

And....the Book and Workbook are Combined into ONE!!!

Learn more About the NEW Combination Book/Workbook below:

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS:

 
May 7, 14, 21, 28, 2008

7:00 – 9:00 PM
A Four Week How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Rock Harbor University @ Rock Harbor Church
3080 Airway Ave.
Costa Mesa, CA 92626
Meeting Room: “The Lab” (Do we have to wear protective eyewear?).
Registration begins mid to late April at www.rhuonline.org
Church phone: (714) 384-0914

May 23 – 25, 2008

7:00 – 10:00 PM Friday
All day Saturday
8:00 AM – 12:00 PM Sunday
How We Love Workshop (Milan & Kay)
Hosted by Lighthouse Christian Center, Puyallup, Washington
Venue location: Best Western Wesley Inn
6575 Kimball Drive
Gig harbor, WA 98335
Registration & Information: (253) 848-2028 and / or www.lighthousehome.org
Note: While this is a church couples retreat, individuals and couples who are not staying at the hotel may attend the teaching sessions.  Registration is still required.

June 12 – 14, 2008

How We Love Marriage Retreat for Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens Complex
Owings Mills, MD

June 14, 2008

Willowdale Chapel Evening Couple’s Event
Philadelphia, PA
More information forthcoming!

RADIO APPEARANCES (Subject to change): New Life Ministries Radio, Los Angeles area, KKLA 99.5 FM, 2 PM daily Mon – Fri.  Check www.newlife.com for nationwide listing of radio stations and times in your area as well as daily hosts.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book :  

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan & Kay Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich help you identify negative responses learned in childhood that sabotage your relationships, creating invisible barriers to love. you'll find practical solutions and groundbreaking principles that equip you to identify the love styles disrupting your marriage, recognize the core pattern in your relationship, develop a specific plan for change, enhance your sexual intimacy and more, to create a deeper, richer marriage.

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage By Milan Yerkovich / Random House, Inc Every adult bears an "imprint of intimacy"-an inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability they can risk based on childhood experiences. those past lessons shape the behaviors, beliefs and expectations of all our current relationships, especially marriage. This powerful companion workbook-perfect for use on your own or in a group setting-will help you apply the principles from How We Love and break free of the harmful imprints of the past. You'll find insightful questions to help you and your spouse pinpoint barriers to intimacy, effective techniques to kick start the process of lasting change and more.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

Copyright © 2008 Milan and Kay Yerkovich
Marriage / How We Love Newsletter May 22, 2008