Volume 8                                                                                                                                     February 8, 2007

The TOP 5 Problems We Hear On the Radio…
and what to do about them.
Part 2 of 5

So you think that you are unique and that your problems are special?  That your life or relationship stresses are known only to you and that somehow your case requires special advice or care?  No, your problems are quite common.  Actually, human beings are not that inventive.  We all do the same things, have the same concerns and get into the same predictable dilemmas.

As a radio co-host on New Life Live, a nationally syndicated counseling talk show, I (Milan) have come to recognize that there are repeatable themes to the caller’s issues.  Whether it is Freda in Fresno or Bill in Baltimore, guess what?  As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).”  In the next five weeks, we will cover the top five issues that we encounter and how to counter them so that you can grow and your situations might improve.  

PROBLEM #2:

The avoidant husband & pursuing wife (who feels angry & controlling).

Chad from “Chad”inuga, Tennesee called in and stated:

• “I’m having a problem with my waaaf!”  (wife)
• Were Christians, and were married in the church.
• I drive a truck, and I’m gone Monday – Friday. So on Sat & Sun I sleep, watch TV, eat and have sex (maybe more than once).
• My waaaf  started working out and she has lost 75 lbs., and is training for triathlons.  She spends time with her male trainer and she says she loves him like an “uncle” and everytime they hang up the cell phone I hear her say, “I love you too.”
• She is always training and goes to events on the weekends.
• I don’t want to go and watch her compete because I’m mad at her for not wanting to be with me and I’m also “tarrd” (tired) on the weekends.
• I confronted her and she says, “I’m never going back to the old way of life.”
• “What should I do?”

What do you think Chad should do? 

What advice would you give to him?

  New life host Steve Arterburn started off by suggesting that Chad should make a “statement” to the other guy and drive his 18 wheeler (truck) over the front lawn, right up to the guy’s front door, honk and tell him to leave his wife alone.  At the next commercial break, I warned Steve and told him that Country Western singer Garth Brooks wrote a song with a similar theme called “Papa Loves Mama”.  However, in the song, Papa who is angered at his cheat’n waaaf, drives his truck through the house and the songs chorus says, “Momma’s in the graveyard, Daddy’s in the Penn.”  I suggested that we shouldn’t plant any “ideas” in this trucker’s mind.

What’s really going on here between Chad and his waaaf?

• Chad, just like Cher from last week is still a little boy inside.
• Chad is an avoider, who is a poor communicator and is overwhelmed and  frightened by his pursuing wife.
• His wife experienced a “shift”. She accepted the reality of the situation which involved her realizing that Chad was not going to meet her emotional needs.
• While Chad might be playing the “You can’t do that, Jesus will be mad at you” card, she is digging in her heals and in reality saying, “I don’t care.”
• His waaaf’s new athletic interests, self image and boosted self esteem have now perhaps become obsessive and are possibly out of balance.  

Here is what we advised Chad. 

1. He needed to recognize his own immaturity and realize that no spouse (male or female) is going to be attracted to a child like spouse who only wants to eat, sleep and play.
2. He needs to do his own growth work of realizing that no one ever connected with him as a child and ever engaged with him on a level other than work, eat & TV.  By recognizing the true state of his childhood experience, he could then grieve the loss of a secure childhood experience and choose to grow from the child he is to a man in the next few years.     
3. He will only be able to do this if his growth work includes some sort of a men’s group where accountability, emotions and the honest feedback from others is maintained.  As Steve Arterburn says, “Men learn to be men in the presence of other men.”
4. He needs to tell his wife that he too does not ever want things to return to old way.  That he is willing to learn and grow.  That he will re-train careers if necessary so he can be home more. That he is proud of her for loosing 75 lbs. and her accomplishments.
5. He should “buck up” and go with her to her events on the weekends and cheer her on and be a part of her support crew.
6. He should ask her to give up her relationship with the trainer and be patient with her response.

Key reminder to all of us: Never develop a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

Coming next week: Problem #3, Sue from Sioux Falls, Affairs and fantasies.

Love,
Milan and Kay

Valentine's Day is right around the corner!!

Would you like to actually DO something with your spouse instead of just BUYING some object for them?

Would you like to make Valentine's day a MEMORABLE occasion by doing something that is UNEXPECTED, but VERY APPRECIATED!!

Here are the next five tips from -

Milan and Kay’s 10 Romantic Dates & Ideas

6.  As you are walking with your spouse or window shopping, pay attention to something they respond to and indicate that they really like.  Later, call the location, put it on hold, find out the item’s availability and give it to them on the next special gift-giving day.   The time delay combined with attentiveness and thoughtfulness will nock their socks off (and maybe their blouse as well).

7.  Draw a bath for your spouse (no, not with a pencil and paper) and tell your spouse that you are “taking over” and that they can rest for a while.  When they go to the bath, candles are lit, music is on, and next to the tub is their favorite book or magazine with their favorite beverage and a cheese and fruit plate.

8.  Have a renewal of your wedding vows on a special anniversary.  This is especially significant if you have successfully navigated a difficult passage within your relationship.  This can be done as a surprise to your spouse during a regularly planned vacation or more formally with friends and family during a specially planned ceremony at a church or outdoor setting.

9.  Buy a hammock and install it in the back yard.  On a warm summer night, grill a dinner for two and after desert, lie on the hammock and drink coffee or tea and share about life together.

10.  Send your spouse an invitation / gift certificate to the “Master Bedroom Day Spa” and when they arrive, announce that you are their private masseuse for the afternoon or evening. Instruct them to take a leisurely shower or bath and that rubbing lotions and oils await them and that you will be at their beckon call.      

(The first 5 tips from: "Milan and Kay’s 10 Romantic Dates & Ideas" were covered in last week's newsletter!!)

(OK - perhaps you signed up this week and MISSED the first five tips ... WELL.... here they are again!!!)

1.  I approached the house and saw a note taped to the front door.  It said to follow the clues to find a surprise.  Each of the clues lead me all around the house with one of the clues being taped to the tummy of the dog which I discovered when I was told in clue #6 to tell Heidi to “roll over”. At the end of the 10 clues, I found Kay hiding in the closet with a present wrapped for Valentine’s Day. Use your imagination… what other surprises could be in the closet?

2.  On Valentine’s Day, instead of fighting the crowds at a restaurant tell your wife that you have something special for her.  So, send her out to do something fun in the afternoon, and when she returns, she will discover a fire in the fireplace, pillows and blankets, a glass of wine or sparkling juice, a prepared dinner (take out is OK too) , music, soft lights and no kids.  Have a slow and leisurely evening.

3.  Reenact your first date or dates.  If possible, drive to where you first met and go to the old neighborhoods, tell stories, visit the restaurants, schools, theatres and favorite things to do.  Go to the church where you were married, perhaps even stay at the hotel where you stayed after the ceremony.  Tell old stories and laugh a lot. 

4.  Plan a weekend trip and have your best couple friend s surprise her by being at the destination.

5.  Have a gourmet picnic on the beach or in a picturesque park or outdoor venue.  If you are not a good cook, have someone (not your mom) help you make one.  Take the one or two books that are on your wife’s nightstand, and ask her to read or tell you what is meaningful to her.  Be sure to take blankets and pillows.

ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!

Is your child rebellious?

Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?

Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"

Do you have trouble making your child listen?

Do you ever just wonder, "What do I do?"

Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.

We have the book for you!

You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

 If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition). 

These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.

 Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.

 Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read.  Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.  

This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:

Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition).

For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)

And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges

Love,

Kay

WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?

Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.

We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.

Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!

We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used.  ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.

Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.

You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.

The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.

After you answer the survey will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.

You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.

The survey will be ready next week - so look for information on how you can participate in our next newsletter.

Thanks

Milan and Kay

Orange County, California viewers can See us on TV!! We will be appearing on Cox Cable Channel #3 - "The Mix" show at the following times:

We will also be appearing at the following locations:

Upcoming Workshops:

"How We Love …as Parents". A parenting workshop. Grace Community Church, Lake Forest, CA February 16-17, 2007.

"How We Love ...A Marriage Workshop". Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA March 9-10, 2007

" How We Love … Sexually".  A marriage workshop focusing on the pleasures and conflicts of sex. Coast Hills Community Church, Aliso Viejo, CA. March 31, 2007.

Go to www.relationship180.com for details.

If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com

Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.

To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage with its accompanying workbook How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage

To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:

How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage

How We Love Workbook: Making Deeper Connections in Marriage