Volume 9 February 15, 2007
The TOP 5 Problems We Hear On the Radio…
and what to do about them.
Part 3 of 5
So you think that you are unique and that your problems are special? That your life or relationship stresses are known only to you and that somehow your case requires special advice or care? No, your problems are quite common. Actually, human beings are not that inventive. We all do the same things, have the same concerns and get into the same predictable dilemmas.
As a radio co-host on New Life Live, a nationally syndicated counseling talk show, I (Milan) have come to recognize that there are repeatable themes to the caller’s issues. Whether it is Freda in Fresno or Bill in Baltimore, guess what? As Solomon said, “There is nothing new under the sun (Ecclesiastes 1:9).” In the next five weeks, we will cover the top five issues that we encounter and how to counter them so that you can grow and your situations might improve.
PROBLEM #3:
Affairs, Dissatisfaction and Idealistic Fantasies.
Sue from Sioux Falls, SD
When Sue called the show, she was struggling to hold back the tears and compose her emotions. She was about to share a deep secret that had been plaguing her for months and her embarrassment factor was off the charts. We welcomed her to the program and reassured her that she could feel safe with us and that we too were on the same journey of life, which included battles and struggles with sin and shame.
She told us that she was a pastor’s wife and had been married for 25 years. Yet for the length of their marriage, she had always felt second in line behind the church. Her workaholic husband was always at the church and when home, would allow anyone who called to interrupt their family time. “I try not to get jealous, yet I cannot help but feel so unimportant, ignored and lonely. Whenever I bring it up, he says, ‘The Lord and his work is first and God will make up for it in your heart if you just let him.’”
“About four months ago, out the blue, an old boyfriend from college who lives in another state called just to see how I was doing. He was recently divorced and told me that he thought of me often. I told him that I had thought of him throughout the years as well and had remembered fondly their dating years.” After one phone call, she was hooked and went on to admit to us that they had secretly talked on the phone every day for the last three months. Finally, in a moment of lucidity after the initial euphoric brain chemicals has subsided somewhat, the told us, “I became so convicted that this was wrong so I broke it off and told him that we had to stop and he reluctantly agreed.”
“I still feel so torn, crazy and guilty inside.”
“My husband never knew!”
“What should I do?”
So, what would you tell Sue from Sioux Falls?
What’s really going on here?
First, we need to understand that her pastor husband is out of compliance with the Scriptures. I Corinthians 7:32-34 clearly states that if he is a married pastor, his interests are divided and he must therefore please the Lord with his ministry service AND please his wife as well. No pastor who is married should attempt to be in ministry where they are essentially behaving as though they are single.
Secondly, this pastor may have the broken love style of the “Avoider” or “Controller”. Sadly, many leaders are unaware of their dark side or broken parts and blindly trust that all “leading from the Lord” or “call to ministry” is completely from God, never suspecting that the “still small voice” within may simply be their own injuries echoing off the canyon walls of their heart.
This pastor has directly contributed to the problem at hand. Even though he might have been technically proficient and competent to the public, he was anything but warm and inviting with his wife and family at home. The Bible says, “You reap what you sow” and with a zero percent investment in bonding with his wife, he had left his spouse subject to dissatisfaction fantasies and affairs.
As a side note and unrelated to this call, another group “Vacillators” are very prone to fantasizing about “ideal” fairy tale love and over time can grow dissatisfied with anything less. So a spouse could be doing as much as humanly possible to win them over, but anything less than perfection will make them angry with you and cast them off into their fantasy world of dreams of perfect love.
Sue was a Pleaser though, and was trying to make everyone happy, God, her pastor husband, her old boyfriend and even herself.
Our advice to Sue?
Sue needed to own her pleaser tendencies and learn more about her broken love style. Pleasers tend to go along with things and don’t have a strong sense of self. They often are not able to tell you what they need for they are under developed in self-awareness and weak at asking for their own needs to be met. They also have an under developed emotion of anger.
Anger draws lines in the sand and yet they struggle to make boundaries that stick because anger after all is a “separating emotion” which makes the pleaser anxious so they abort challenging confrontations because it is too threatening to them.
Sue needs to tell her husband the truth as to what happened as well as describe how the dysfunctional marriage pattern had created a “set up” to make her susceptible to temptation.
She also needed to repent and apologize, realizing that no matter what a spouse might do to hurt or neglect us, we are never allowed to rationalize and disobey God.
Even though Sue had not committed the physical act of adultery, she had been walking on thin ice and flirting with disaster.
As a couple, they need to be in an emotionally based couple’s therapy program where they can learn to connect and bond. For without bonding, their marriage is doomed to suffer from mediocrity or ultimately failure.
Lastly, if her husband refuses to repent himself and comply with the above directives, she needs to needs to tell the church governing board of the chronic spousal neglect she has suffered in the name of God. Hopefully, the pastor won’t have the board buffaloed as well.
RECOMMENDED READING: (simply click the title to learn more)
The Emotionally Healthy Church
Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: The Paradox of Personal Dysfunction
SPREAD THE WORD:
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NEXT WEEK:
Bill from Billings, Montana: “Depression, Anxiety and Addictions.”
Love,
Milan and Kay
ATTENTION ALL PARENTS!!
Is your child rebellious?
Do you ever wish that you knew what to do to help them?
Does your child refuse to do even the most simple things?"
Do you have trouble making your child listen?
Do you ever just wonder, "What
do I do?"
Would you like some good laughs while reading a great parenting book?.
We have the book for you!
You MUST read – Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
If you have teens there is a version for teens as well called Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
These are by far the best books on discipline and raising responsible kids I have ever read.
Foster and Jim have worked with the most difficult kids who have been in and out of the foster care system, so they realize just how angry kids can get.
Their ideas are very practical and you will have some good laughs as you read. Don't miss an opportunity to learn some great parenting tools.
This is a must read for all parents. You can get these helpful books by clicking the following links:
Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
For teens: Parenting Teens With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition)
And even for Grandparents: Grandparenting With Love & Logic: Practical Solutions to Today's Grandparenting Challenges
Love,
Kay
WANT TO BE PART OF OUR NEXT BOOK?
Milan and I are currently doing research for our next book “How We Love – Sexually”.
We need some help – we are conducting a survey on “How We Love – Sexually”.
Dont worry....your name will NOT be emblazoned in print for thousands of readers to know about what you do in the bedroom!!
We would love for you to take our survey “How We Love – Sexually” and be assured that your name will never be used. ALL survey questionnaires are ANONYMOUS. That’s right your name is never used – in fact you don’t give us your name at all.
Also there is no way of tracking who answered the survey.
You see we want completely honest answers to some personal questions. By guaranteeing that you will remain completely anonymous we can expect honesty in return.
The survey is very short and can be completed in less than 5 minutes.
After you answer the survey you will be helping not only us but others who suffer from personal issues. These issues and more will be addressed in our upcoming book “How We Love – Sexually”.
You will also receive advance results from the survey so that you can benefit from the knowledge that you are NOT alone in How We Love - Sexually.
The survey is ready...BUT...we really want to give you something in return for your help...SO...we are creating a special gift for those who fill out the survey.
The gift and the link to help us out by completeing the survey will be ready next week - look for information on how you can take the survey and receive your gift in our next newsletter.
Thanks
Milan and Kay
We will be appearing at the following locations:
Upcoming Workshops:
"How We Love …as Parents". A parenting workshop. Grace Community Church, Lake Forest, CA February 16-17, 2007.
"How We Love ...A Marriage Workshop". Saddleback Church, Lake Forest, CA March 9-10, 2007
" How We Love … Sexually". A marriage workshop focusing on the pleasures and conflicts of sex. Coast Hills Community Church, Aliso Viejo, CA. March 31, 2007.
Go to www.relationship180.com for details.
If this newsletter has helped you, perhaps it can also help others. Please let your friends, family and others know that they too can get the help they need by signing up for this free newsletter at: www.howwelove.com
Understanding your relationships is probably one of the MOST important tasks that you can do to improve your life.
To help you understand your relationships we have written the book How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage
To get your own copy of the book and the accompanying workbook click on the following links:
How We Love: A Revolutionary Approach to Deeper Connections in Marriage