Similarities and Differences between the Avoider and Pleaser

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Kay

Special announcement!

The How We Love workbook is once again available as a separate book. If you prefer to have a workbook that has room to write your answers and thoughts as you go, this may be for you. The workbook is also still available in the back of the paperback version of How We Love.

You can get the workbook at the following sites:

WaterbrookMultnomah: http://waterbrookmultnomah.com/catalog.php
Amazon:http://www.amazon.com title=”Amazon” target=”_blank”>
CBD.com

Also, we will be in Everett, WA on 5/17-5/18-2-13

On Friday night we will present a training for leaders and counselors who are familiar with the How We Love material and are interested in learning more about leading a How We Love group. The training will be from 6-9pm at New Life Foursquare church.

On Saturday, May 18 we will present a How We Love workshop from 9-4 at New Life Foursquare church. For more details and registration information, please visit: www.newlifecenter.org/howwelove or check under our “Events” tab.

Similarities and Differences between the Avoider and Pleaser

Are you an Avoider or Pleaser?
What are the similarities between the avoider and the pleaser? Neither style likes to deal with negative messy emotions. Pleasers don’t like conflict so they avoid difficult feelings. Avoiders have no training from childhood in how to enter into emotions and deal with feelings. To the avoider, feelings are a foreign language they don’t speak. If an avoider and pleaser marry they will likely report that they rarely fight. This is because each avoids problems as problems involve difficult emotions. Pleasers and avoiders both minimize bad news as they don’t have the skills to deal with challenging emotions.
How are these two styles different? Pleasers are more empathetic than avoiders and will try and indirectly “fix” and make things better. They want to alleviate suffering and make it go away by excusing, distracting, minimizing, and looking at the “bright side.” To the pleaser love equals rescuing others from having to experience difficult emotions or consequences. This style is the classic co-dependent who needs to be needed. Pleasers view consequences as unpleasant and will have difficultly letting a family member experience the negative consequences of their actions and choices. Rather than letting others learn from mistakes, pleasers rescue people from consequences.
Unlike pleasers, avoiders lack empathy and think every mistake should have a consequence because they put such high value on responsibility. While pleasers can be too soft, avoiders can be too harsh. Having received little grace and tenderness as kids, these are foreign concepts to avoiders. Avoiders show love by being responsible and doing tasks. While pleasers “fix” difficult emotions, avoiders dismiss difficult emotions by saying things like, “Settle down,” “Stop crying, it won’t change anything,” “Forget it and move forward.”
Both of these styles need to learn to identify feelings and explain their internal experiences. Pleasers need to develop boundaries and the emotion of anger. Avoiders need to learn to take their stress to people and learn to receive empathy so they can understand the value of comfort and the relief it can bring. The avoider has difficulty understanding or valuing comfort until they allow themselves to need.
Happy Mother’s Day

Are you a pleaser or a vacillator?

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Kay

This is the last weekend to get the NEW Love Style Lectures, either download or CD, on sale. Next week they will go back up to regular price. We hope you are enjoying them. Also, keep your eyes open for some other new exciting products we are working on!

For a few weeks we are going to do a series on similarities and differences between the different styles. We are asked certain questions again and again when we teach How We Love workshops. Here are the most common questions to help clarify your love style.

Are you a pleaser or a vacillator?
Pleasers are similar to vacillators in one way. They both like proximity and try to please to make others happy. However, their motives differ. Pleasers are nice to avoid conflict and rejection. Vacillators are nice to gain attention and be noticed. Many times at our conferences someone will come up and say, “I think I am a pleaser, but I’m not sure. I always ask this question, “Do you get mad?” If the answer is, “No, I don’t get angry,” then I can be pretty sure they are a pleaser. Pleasers don’t get angry as it might cause conflict and pleasers are terrified of fighting because they don’t like anyone to be angry with them. Pleasers believe anger isn’t “nice” and pleasers like harmony. In fact learning to feel and express anger is a growth goal for pleasers.
If the answer is, “Yes I get mad,” then my next guess is this…”I think you may be a vacillator.” Vacillators try to please to make some sort of connection happen. If their efforts do not produce the desired effect then vacillators get mad whereas pleasers will just try harder. The vacillator’s anger may be direct and loud or it may be a sudden dark mood that sends a clear message of displeasure. Vacillators protest, (anger) then feel despair, (this will never change) then detach. Protest, despair, detachment. Eventually vacillators re-engage (without resolution) and the pattern repeats. After many years the vacillators may permanently detach and give up trying. At this point they may say,” I think I’m an avoider”.
Avoiders don’t have a pattern of protest, despair, and detachment. They have never expressed disappointment over a lack of connection. Are you a detached vacillator? Then anger has probably diminished as you have given up on the relationship. I see a danger at this point for the vacillator’s anger to turn into a root of bitterness. While this bitterness may feel justified bitterness takes a toll on body, mind and spirit. In fact the bible says it damages not only you but others around you. Read Hebrews 12: 14-17.

Desire

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Kay

Milan and I have been with an extra ordinary amount of people this week who are despairing, grieving, stretching to hold onto their faith. The battle has been intense. These words come from the time in my own life when hope was crushed.

The Mystery of God

Desire…the hunger of the soul for life vibrant, eyes locked in understanding, skin touching in warm embrace, feet dancing to the rhythms of life. Longing to experience life as God intended before the rebellion began.

Glimpses of perfection. Light dancing through shimmering leaves. A wet, wailing newborn placed in mama’s arms for the first time. Moments of deep connection when hearts reveal their story in the scared space of grace.

Desire thwarted. Prayer unanswered. Longing crushed. Frantic, searching for seeds of hope, watering, waiting, trying to keep “wanting” alive. But desire withers, brown thirsty, unquenched, it lies motionless, a shrunken seed under the scorching sun of disappointment.

Desire lost. Hope smothered until no breath is left, no energy to even try to kindle a spark or nurse a dying ember back to life.

How do I desire the one who has let hope die? How do I long for the one who watched me plead and stood quiet? Desire and hope have torn me to pieces. Loss has swallowed me whole.

I go down into the belly of the whale, into the dark tomb where threads of trust hold me in the shrouded mystery of God. I lay here quiet for a long time, shards of broken hope scattered around me.

God rocks me quiet on those threads of trust giving me time, space. I am learning to rest in the mystery of God, more deeply acknowledging the crushing brokenness of this world held by dark tentacles of sin. My faith is learning to rest, solid on the final victory when all His children are in his presence and every tear is wiped away.

Now, we see dimly. But then face to face with our great God, battle won…. Forever.
Desire, longing, hope fulfilled far beyond what my mind can conceive, all God has prepared for me, whom he loves.

New Love Style Audio Lectures Now Available!

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Mary Belanger

We are excited to announce that the New Updated 2013 Love Style Audio Lectures are now available in both CD and audio download format.

Hear Milan and Kay discuss each Love Style in depth as well as how each style presents in relationships. Milan and Kay also go over growth goals and strategies for each love style to move toward being more securely connected.

For a limited time these CDs and downloads are available on howwelove.com for a reduced price. Don’t miss out!!

We thank you for your support and continue to pray for all of you on your journey toward healthy relationships.

Blessings!


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