What is your part in getting the most out of counseling?

What is your part in getting the most out of counseling?

Here are some more suggestions about getting the most out of therapy. Therapy is an investment of time and money. There is no such thing as a perfect therapist with a magic wand. Like anything, the more you put into it the more you will get out of it.

Tip 1: Focus on yourself and your growth.
Remember, you can only change you! Whether you are in individual or couple’s therapy, don’t spend an entire session complaining about someone else. Once your therapist understands the dynamics, this kind of complaining is a waste of time. You will gain a lot more by asking the counselor to help you identify and change your part of the problems and struggles you face. You do have a part. If your partner has refused to participate in couple’s counseling, observing some fabulous growth in you may be the ticket to having them join you in therapy.

Tip 2: It may get worse before it gets better.
Change upsets the apple cart. Change in only one person will alter the dynamics of the relationship and the partner will have to adjust to a new person! Change, even for the better is uncomfortable because it’s NEW. We tell clients, “If you feel uncomfortable, good. It is a good indication that you are growing and change is taking place.” We say, “Pick your pain!” Usually the painful places in our relationships cause us misery. Change is distressing too, but it offers hope. Why not pick the productive pain and GROW?

Tip 3: Don’t wait until it is really bad to get help.
Some of the most difficult couples I have worked with have been married for more than 18-20 years and should have gotten help long before they did. Bad patterns, habits and attitudes only get more entrenched. The sooner you get help the easier it is to change.
Resentment and bad attitudes build when problems go unresolved for a long time.

Tip 4: Don’t give the lame excuse you don’t have the time or money to get help.
Come on now! We make time and spend money on what is important to us. Everything in this world takes maintenance. Nothing stays shinny, new and in great working condition. Maintenance is just a part of keeping something in good working condition. If we don’t take care of what we have, we may end up having to replace it; whether it’s cars, homes, or relationships. Often, people don’t attend our Saturday workshops because they “have a soccer game”. That is short sighted thinking. When don’t you have something to do? Make an investment in your marriage. The kids will thank you for it. They would rather have happy parents than see you at every single game. Getting help can be expensive, but divorce is way more costly than marriage counseling.

The failure rate of second marriages is 72%. By the third marriage the statistics finally get better…about 32%. Why? Did the right person finally appear? No. People in our offices on round three say, “I have to make it work this time. I keep running into the same wall and I can see I’m a part of the problem.” Finally! If money is really tight, get our book and do the corresponding workbook as a couple or as an individual. Do something!

Tip 5: Practice at home.
Growth involves insight. This is the fun part. Oh!!! That explains why I do this or feel a certain way. Insights are the Ahhh Hahhs! You should have some of those moments with the help of your therapist. Growth also involves learning and practicing new skills. A couple can do a great job of listening in my office, but if they never practice at home they won’t get very far. If you don’t know what you should be practicing at home, ask your therapist,: “What is the most important thing I could be doing outside this office to foster my personal growth?” If you are not in therapy, there are plenty of ideas about things to practice in the How We Love Workbook.

Next week we will look at some ways to tell if you are with the right counselor.

Blessings,
Kay

How to Choose a Good Therapist

How to Choose a Good Therapist

We are often asked for referrals from all over the United States for therapists who are familiar with our approach. Do you have someone trained in our area? How can you find a good therapist?

Here are some suggestions. First of all, you are the consumer. Ask questions. Shop around. Try to work off referrals from people who have already been helped by the counselor you call. When you make phone contact, briefly explain your problem and ask the counselor to share how they would approach such an issue. Try and chat on the phone with at least three different counselors.

Milan and I have opinions about what makes a good couples therapist. Here are some questions you might want to ask in the first phone contact or appointment.

How many couples do you see per week?

Obviously, the more couples a therapist sees in their practice the more experience they have with couples. Most therapists only see a few couples and mostly individuals. Or, they split couples up and see them as individuals. You want a therapist who works primarily with couples.

Do you work with a couple together or in separate session?

Milan and I think it is imperative to see a couple together. The therapist misses the dynamic of how the couple relates when they are seen separately. While there may be a good reason to have one or two individual sessions, this should be the exception not the norm.

Are you more direct or indirect in your approach to working with individuals or couples?

Counselors come in many flavors and schools of thought. Some are indirect, believing the answer is in you and can be discovered if you have a safe place and a good listener. This type of counselor will take a more passive role letting you direct the topic and content of the session. This kind of therapist might be good for a person who always finds themselves “one down” in relationships being told what to do and how to think.
In such a setting the client would have to learn to “take charge” and take responsibility for the focus on the session. A passive person might benefit from individual counseling with a more indirect approach.

Other counselors are more “directive” with the mindset to give guidance, teaching, insight and at times may have an agenda for the session when you come for your appointment. Our most common complaint from people (especially couples) who are unhappy with their counseling is this: “The counselor just sat there and I was never sure where we were going or what was supposed to happen.” When it comes to couples therapy Milan and I take a very directive approach.

We use the principles in our book to set the agenda and teach couples the root of their marriage struggle, regardless of the presenting issue. We use session time to practice (with guidance) listening, discovery of the childhood injuries that contribute to the marriage dynamic, holding and comforting. We point out triggers (areas of over reactivity in the marriage dynamic) and tie them back to childhood experiences and feelings.

If you are shopping for a couple’s therapist, in our opinion, a directive approach is beneficial.

Do you look at the past and assess development or do you just focus on present issues?

Milan and I are of the opinion that you should have a Ph.D in your spouse’s childhood. This doesn’t mean spending years combing through childhood memories. We explore enough to understand the major impact and resulting love style. We give couples tools to keep exploring on their own. When you understand history, you will have more compassion for yourself and your spouse. Often your spouse’s most irritating behavior is the result of a wound in their childhood. Most of us reach adulthood lacking full maturity in some areas. We need to develop and grow in certain areas. Understanding one’s background helps pinpoint these areas.

How much experience do you have working with couples?

In our experience, there is a lot more competent individual therapists than there are couples therapists. Why? Because it is a lot easier! Many therapists don’t do a lot of couples work. It is OK to ask how much experience a therapist has. If they get defensive, that is definitely not a good sign.

Next week we will look at the client’s role in getting the most out of their counseling.

Blessings,
Kay

“Behind Closed Doors”

“Behind Closed Doors”

I was deeply saddened this week to hear of the suicide of Robin Williams, by far one of my favorite actors. Who can forget the nontraditional inspiring college professor in Dead Poets Society who made me to want to stand up and shout “O Captain, My Captain!” Or his endearing role as Mrs. Doubtfire, a divorced father, desperate to spend time with his children who poses as a nanny. Etched into my memory is his tender dialogue with Robert De Nero as a patient resurrected from a coma by a creative and genius doctor whom he portrays in Awakenings. Lastly, in Good Will Hunting, I know I’m not the only who had tears in my eyes (and sometimes still do) in his role as a psychologist when he speaks into Matt Damon’s troubled childhood “It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault! “It’s not your fault!”

Watching various news channels, they talked about his genius, wit, energy, physical humor, acting prowess and philanthropy (it’s reported that he always said “Yes” to the requests of others). Yet behind closed doors Robin Williams was tormented by depression, anxiety, severe mood swings and substance abuse. Like Robin, most of us have a public versus private self. We all have the potential of being amazing in public but when the curtains go down and the audience stops clapping; as Robin, we’re not always comfortable in our own skin… in the quiet… in the dark… behind closed doors.

Research provides the backstory that begins to shed light on the diverse facets of his soul. We begin to get a glimpse into the animating forces that drove his heart felt dramas, the redemptive themes, his manic comedy and his battle with a troubled soul.
• In middle school he was bullied and sought out new routes home to avoid his tormentors.
• He told jokes to his mother to make her laugh and pay attention to him.
• As a child he spent much of his time alone in the family’s large house playing with his 2,000 toy soldiers. He says, “My only companions, my only friends as a child were my imagination.”
• His father traveled a lot for work and when he would come home, Robin found him to be “frightening” and avoided him.
• His mother worked and as an only child, he was attended to by the maids they employed.
• Williams claimed his upbringing left him with “an acute fear of abandonment” and a condition he described as “Love Me Syndrome.”
• When he graduated from high school in 1969, his class voted him “The Most Likely Not to Succeed” and “The Funniest.”

Let me be clear, not all people who commit suicide had dysfunctional childhood homes and not all people who had difficult families harm themselves or others. There can be many factors that contribute to internal conflict where a person experiences depression, anxiety, despair, anger, cynicism and hopelessness. But as is seen in his personal testimony, family of origin played a major role. While each of our families of origin has a lifelong impact upon us, the “training” we received occurs slowly, secretly and without notice… behind closed doors.

Regarding this training ground, it shapes our view of “self” and “other.” Questions like who am I? Who are you? Will you see me and love me? Am I worthy to bring myself to you and ask for help? Who am I as a human being? Am I accepted by God? Do I have a purpose for my life? Based upon his childhood and teen experience, Robin may have been struggling with some or all of these questions… just to name a few.

If our parents did not nurture us or help us wrestle and resolve these questions we can idealistically march into adulthood believing our childhood is “over.” We then think marriage, parenting, careers and accomplishments will make us feel complete. Yet, instead of bliss, relational conflict and life’s realities eventually expose our unresolved inner self. As a result, relationships are damaged, deep pain ensues and addictions, compulsions, obsessive thought patterns, busyness and distractions function as a means of medicating our aching souls.

At How We Love and Relationship 180 (our non-profit counseling center) we are dedicated to exploring and beginning the healing journey in each of our lives. Here, we begin the process of growing up a second time by seeing the roots of unresolved painful patterns. We help to foster emotional and relational healing so we are gradually transformed toward a more secure and confident version of ourselves within healthier relationships. This is God’s heart’s desire for each and every one of us. The counselors at Relationship 180 are all committed to these principles. All of our sessions are private, confidential and of course conducted in our offices behind closed doors.

Our heart goes out to the “little” Robin who was struggling in an adult world. Our deepest sympathies go out to his family and those who were close.

If you or anyone you know shows signs of depression, anxiety, isolation and negative thinking, please intervene. Ask yourself or them directly “In your current emotional state would you intentionally harm yourself or others?” If the answer is “Yes” or you are still uncertain, be an advocate and reach out for help from other sources.

Thanks for listening,
Milan

What has two boxes of ice cream to do with How We Love?

Hi,

We received this fun note on the website from a group who just finished watching the How We Love DVD series. We thought we would share it with you all!

What has two boxes of ice cream to do with How We Love? You may ask

Our life group has just finished watching the How We Love DVD sessions. It was an awesome 6 weeks of discussion, surprising discovery of ourselves, honest and open sharing of our past and struggle, with vulnerability. The series not only revealed areas we need to address, but also brought the group closer together.

This past meeting I brought two boxes of ice cream to the meeting. A box of drumsticks and a box of ice cream bars. I noticed how everyone took his/her time to choose between the two flavors and commented that we could see their personality by the ice cream they chose. “John”, without losing a beat, chimed in that we could figure out their Love Style by the ice cream they picked. “Sally”, while eating hers, asked what happened if she wanted both. As if on cue, ‘vacillator’, everyone shouted. The funny thing was, “Sally” was a vacillator. And when “Julie” asked what happened if she didn’t want any. “Avoider”, all jumped in.

We had a great laugh. I never thought that the series has this much impact on each one of us. On a personal note, I have benefited so much from reading the book and watching the DVD series. The concept has revolutionalized the way I look at myself and help me to mend many relationships. I tried to share this with as many people as I can, as I have felt the life-changing power. Thank you for all you’ve done and may God continue to bless many through your ministry.

Blessings to you all!!

Four Lenses of Diagnosing Problems.

Four Lenses of Diagnosing Problems.

General medicine does not make Christians too nervous. If you have a troubling symptom you go the Internist or Specialist and hope for an accurate diagnosis and plan of treatment that will bring you back to health. Many times this may involve a prescription. If we are told we have a thyroid disorder and need Synthroid, we go fill our prescription and take our dose. If we have high blood pressure we may need medication.

Let’s dive into a controversial subject. When it comes to a Psychiatrist and diagnosis of some psychological disorder and a suggestion for medication we often balk as Christians. Milan and I have had to beg, plead and cajole many clients into seeking this kind of help. Sometimes there is a flat refusal. Why is this? Somehow this kind of help is labeled unspiritual. If we had faith, a close walk with God (whatever exactly that means) and read our bible and prayed we should not be depressed, anxious, have mood swings, compulsions etc.

While all these spiritual disciplines and practices certainly help, sometimes they are not enough. Milan and I like to look at all problems; medical, psychological and spiritual through four lenses.

Physical
Emotional
Spiritual
Medical

Most problems we encounter are a mixture of all of these areas. The difficult question is what’s what? For example, years ago I saw a client who was 53 years old. We will call her Sue. The last of Sue’s three children had just moved out to attend college. She was an empty nester after being a stay at home mom for 25 years. She was not sleeping well. She was tired and unmotivated. She was a devout believer for many years and described her relationship with God as “close and life giving” until recently. Now her prayers seem to be “hitting the ceiling” Upon further questioning I learned her best friend had died of breast cancer the previous year. She described this loss as devastating and felt no one but God understood the degree of sorrow she experienced. Her husband was a high level executive and worked long hours. She loved him and the life style he provided, but longed for more emotional and spiritual intimacy in her marriage.

Let’s take these presenting issues and look briefly through our four lenses:

Physical: She is at a menopausal age. Her hormones are changing. Does she exercise?
How is her eating? Does she pay attention to nutrition?

Emotional: Sue has experienced a great deal of loss. She is in a major life transition
which is equivalent to a man retiring or losing his job. Who can she go to for
comfort? Is her husband willing to come in and learn to grow in his ability to
see and meet her needs for comfort and connection? How are her other
friendships? How has she dealt with this grief? Alone? Can she bring
her vulnerable need for comfort into relationship? What did she learn about
connection growing up? Is she a avoider, pleaser, vacillator, controller or
victim? How is her love style impacting her? Is she anxious? What is her
level of self awareness? Is she a giver or receiver…can she be in both roles?

Spiritual: Is this a spiritual crisis/transition? Has she ever experienced this downturn in
her prayer life before? What is her church involvement? What is her level of
spiritual maturity? How much has she suffered? How does she integrate
suffering with God’s love? What is her level of vulnerable, real, connection
within her church setting? Where and how is spiritual opposition operating?
Are there demonic strongholds? What lies does she believe?
Medical:
Are her sleep problems due to hormonal changes? Is her thyroid low?
When was her last physical? Is she depressed? Are her sleep problems due to
depression? Is there a family history of depression? Anxiety? Panic attacks?
What medications is she on? Are her symptoms a side effect of any
medication?

This is just a quick overview… the point is all areas are important to investigate. Leaving out one section means I may miss important information. In Sue’s case, what we discovered over time is that she was indeed depressed, but was uneducated about the symptoms of depression. In fact, as I explored Sue’s history, she had suffered post partum depression after the birth of her last child but had never been diagnosed or treated. Her Father had serious alcohol addictions, which may have been his attempt to medicate depression or anxiety.

After three months of treatment and no alleviation of her symptoms I suggested Sue schedule an appointment with my favorite psychiatrist and be evaluated for anti-depressant medication. (I prefer psychiatrist for this kind of evaluation because this is their area of specialty. Out of 20 or more possible choices of medication, a psychiatrist is trained to differienate between all these options and selects the best possible choice of medicine.)

I explained to Sue that depression can be situational and resolve on its own, or it can be clinical…that is caused by imbalances in brain chemistry. Most any condition for which we take pills or vitamins is an attempt to alter some chemical system in out body for the better. Initially, Sue resisted feeling she should be able to trust God more and that would help her feel better but after another month of sleeplessness, indecision, lethargy, frequent crying and anxiety she agreed to make an appointment.

Sue was astounded at the results. She said what I have heard so many clients say when treatment is successful… “The difference in how I feel amazes me. Overall, I feel I have my feet back on the ground and can manage stress so much better. I’m sleeping again and I can make decisions without agonizing. My head feels clearer and every little thing does not make me cry. I was afraid I would not feel like myself on medicine but it’s just the opposite. I feel like myself again.”

I have heard a similar speeches countless times. Sometimes psychology (symptoms of depression) and medicine can make all the difference in helping someone regain their emotional health. To ignore this avenue of help can make suffering unnecessarily prolonged.

Blessings,
Kay

Psychological or Biblical?

Psychological or Biblical?

Milan and I encounter this question many times as we teach and speak around the country. Is psychology unbiblical? How can psychology be helpful if it is humanistic and man centered? Just in case you readers are wondering how we integrate all this into our beliefs as Christians ….a note of explanation.

Psychology by definition refers to the study of the human mind and mental states by observations, categorizing and labeling characteristics of human behavior.

Psychology is man’s observation of human behavior and the categorization of these observations into names of illnesses or disorders by lists of symptoms. Medical journals observe and categorize illness in the same way. If you have a certain list of symptoms the Doctor says, “You have a cold or virus.” If your medical symptoms match another list, perhaps you have gall bladder problems. Are medical journals “biblical”? No. Are psychological journals “biblical”? No. Do they contain wisdom to label and diagnoses problems? Yes. Do they give the ultimate solutions on how those problems originated or are solved? (Sin and Salvation) No. Can they be helpful to identify diagnosis and help a person identify exactly where they need to grow? Yes.

Yes, No, Yes, No….did you follow that? Think of it this way. If we look at the world from a Biblical perspective, we know the world is broken because of sin. You are broken. I am broken. All of creation is broken. Roman 8:20-22 says, “For the creation was subjected to futility , not of it’s own will, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption to the freedom of the glory of the children of God. All creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth until now.”

Christ is the solution. “The wages of sin is death but the free gift of God is eternal life.” Christ’s work on the cross rescues us from sin and brokenness. As we accept the sacrifice of the cross on our behalf as payment for our sin, we are adopted into God’s family and given the Holy Sprit. God then calls us to grow into the likeness of Christ. After salvation, God sees us perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. Of course our mate has a hard time seeing us seated at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly places (Eph 2:6). They see us as imperfect and incomplete and lacking in many ways. This is because we are not yet transformed practically into being Christ-like.

How does God show me where I’m not like Him? How does God show me what parts of my being still resemble brokenness rather than holiness? The Bible is certainly the primary source. The more I know God and His character the more I will see the goal; what I am becoming in the process of sanctification. Milan and I see psychology as a secondary source of identifying brokenness.

Milan and I were married for 15 years and very serious about our commitment to Christ and open and willing to grow. We did some changing during those years. We learned a lot about our faith. But we were still very stuck in some tenacious marriage dynamics that were hurtful and no amount of prayer or bible study had changed them. You might say we were still blind as to some areas of brokenness.

God used my studies in attachment theory (psychology) to pinpoint some injuries (sin done to us) and resulting behaviors (our own sin) that were blocking growth in our marriage. I believe it was an answer to our prayers for wisdom that I read these studies. As I read the characteristics of an Avoider and how this imprint occurs I clearly saw my own experience in my family of origin. As I read the adult characteristics of the Avoider, I clearly saw how that brokenness affected my parenting and marriage.

I began to confess. I don’t really know how to bond. I am afraid of my feelings, especially painful feelings. I am too independent. I don’t really know how to need God or others on any deep or vulnerable level. I could go on and on. These confessions turned to prayers. God, help me learn to feel. Help me learn to risk being vulnerable. Help me learn to show my pain to you and others. Help me learn to receive comfort.

There was a giant leap in my growth. God was the source in leading me. God was the source in giving me the Holy Spirit as a guide. God was the source in helping me identify and make these healing changes. He just used a sprinkling of psychology along the way to help my confession and prayers go from vague (help me be the wife and mother you want me to be) to more specific requests I just mentioned above.

Next week, I’m going to talk about one more benefit of psychology and medicine in terms of spiritual growth.

Blessings,
Kay

How Does Our Faith Help with Addictions?

How Does Our Faith Help with Addictions?

How do we incorporate God into the healing process? First, we have to know we have a God who understands. One of my favorite verses in the bible is Hebrews 4:13-16.

“And there is no creature hidden from his sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heaven, Jesus the son of god, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in theme of need.”

We can’t hide from God. He knows our addictions. More importantly he knows the struggles of life on earth. Recently a prisoner cried in group as she told about the absence of any consistent, loving, parental figure in her childhood. Her mom was abused sexually as a child. Her mother loved her but was incapable of being a mother as she was still a child inside an adult body. Her dad committed suicide when she was young. “How could a loving God let all this happen?” she sobbed.

I asked permission to answer her question from my Christian perspective. She consented and I told her gently the following. “This is a broken world. Brokenness does not get made right until heaven. But, my Jesus did not sit on this throne in heaven and look down with disgust at what a mess we have made. MY GOD ENTERED THE MESS. He came into the world, born to a poor family. He was misunderstood. His family thought he was crazy. He was abused physically. He was a wanted man. The Pharisees wanted him dead. He was falsely accused and took the punishment for something he did not do.
He hung naked on a cross enduring the public and private shame.

He was betrayed. He was abandoned. He had an emotional breakdown in the garden of Gethsemane asked for help from his three closest friends who fell asleep. He was hungry. He was tempted. He felt the weight of sickness and pain. He was lonely and rejected by many. My God sympathizes with this prisoner and her pain. He lived on this earth and experienced pain and brokenness firsthand. He is safe to ask for help.
Ultimately, he died for sin. Sin is the root of the whole mess. He offers forgiveness and restoration to broken relationships.

Just take a moment. This week take several quiet times with God. Come just as you are weak and broken. Tell God you cannot overcome your addiction without His help. Tell him about your childhood pain. Tell him about the feelings you are so afraid to feel. The feelings you don’t know what to do with. The feelings you medicate. The feelings you need to distract yourself from. Name them. Pray for a group and a mentor.

Ask for patience as healing is always a slow miracle; rarely a fast one. Thank Him for entering the mess, for understanding the pain and struggle of living in this world. Picture him with the exact feelings you just named. Picture a scene in his life where he felt your feeling. Thank him for being a God who was willing to suffer so he could understand. Now picture Jesus comforting you. Tenderly. Lovingly. Patiently. Now see God being a refuge for you. Picture some sort of shelter. See yourself there. Use these pictures when you feel compulsions to use a cheap substitute for the real thing.

Blessings,
Kay

Vulnerability: The Key to Overcoming Addictions

TWO MORE DAYS until our FREE event Saddleback Church! Join us Saturday 6/21 9:00am – 12:00pm in Lake Forest, California!
Register at howwelove.com. or CLICK HERE

Vulnerability: The Key to Overcoming Addictions

I think you can see, we are all very prone to addictions and they give us the relief that we do not know how to get relationally from God or others. We may be medicating present pain, but often, there is a childhood root to the pain in our present. For example one of my prison ladies said this week that her most prevalent childhood feeling was “overwhelmed” and “confused”. These feelings were mainly centered on a mean, abusive older brother from whom she was never protected as both parents worked. He often took his anger out on her. She currently works for a controlling, intrusive woman who is unpredictable and unreasonable. She leaves work feeling overwhelmed, confused and used. Her battle starts on the drive home. I’ll just have one drink before I go home. Soon, she is on her way to the nearest bar for a drink before she goes home to the kids. One too many DUI’s landed her in jail. The alcohol gets rid of the bad feelings but her kids pay a big price. Until our group time this incarcerated woman did not realize the feelings she was battling and needing to medicate had been present for a long time before she ever got this job. Her boss just acted as a trigger to stir up an old yucky pot.

Addictions are about getting rid of bad feelings and feeling good. At least for a while. There is always a negative consequence. If the unpleasant feelings have a childhood root the well of pain that is stirred up, is deeper. Our childhood home trains us what to do with painful feelings. Can we take them to relationship or are we left to find a solution on our own?

The healthy solution? Painful feelings need to be acknowledged, tolerated and processed within a safe relationship. Sounds easy, but most of us did not have childhood experiences that equipped us with the skills we need to do this. Today we will talk about getting help from people. Next week we will think about getting help from God.

Why is Alcoholics Anonymous the most effective treatment for addictions? It has a higher success rate than any other program. Personally, I think there are three reasons.
1. You have to admit you are powerless over your addiction and that you need a “higher power” (Jesus and the Holy spirit in my opinion). Facing this means you are no longer in denial that you have an addiction (you are admitting you need to go to a group). You will never beat an addiction until you admit you have an addiction and you need help.
2. There is honesty and vulnerability. The first time I went to an AA meeting twenty years ago, I went to fulfill a school requirement and I left the meeting with a heavy heart because I knew this is what the church should be doing and I had never heard people share with this level of honesty and brokenness in church. Twenty years later churches have made progress but have a long way to go. You won’t beat and addiction without honesty and vulnerability and showing others the weak broken places inside you.
3. You have a sponsor. This is the most critical part. It is where you learn that you need someone further down the road as a mentor and you call your sponsor when you are in trouble and are overwhelmed with negative feelings and want to run to your addiction. In most AA groups you must choose a sponsor (ask someone to be your sponsor) and then your sponsor will require you call them for 30 days in a row. I can just feel some of you recoiling at that. This is training in connection. Call…even if you don’t need too. Call….even if you don’t want too. You are being trained to reach out and ask for help. It is what will give you the ability to beat your addiction. Success in not about being free from the desire to use. Success is reaching out for help to overcome that desire IN THE MOMENT OF NEED.
So our prisoner gets out, joins a group, gets a sponsor and calls for 30 days. She is journaling about her childhood experiences and grieving her brother’s abuse. She reads these entries to her sponsor and to her husband. Some times she cries. At other times she is angry. She is cleaning out the wound. Eventually, it will be less of a trigger.

She knows her most vulnerable time is the way home from work. She has agreed to call her sponsor as soon as she gets in the car on her way home from work. She talks about the difficulty of the day and interactions with her boss. She admits her craving for a drink but chooses the comfort of connection instead. Her kids are thrilled to see her on time and sober.

I can hear a lot of you saying, “But my addiction is not alcohol”. It does not matter. It is the principles that are important here. I don’t think you would be kicked out of an AA meeting if you said, “Hi, I’m Kay and my addiction isn’t alcohol but it is food”. There are many groups for different issues. You absolutely cannot do it alone. So make a choice today to find a group and a sponsor. Next week, I’ll discuss the spiritual part of healing.

Thanks for listening,
Kay

What Masters You?

Upcoming Event at Saddleback Church!

Do you want to improve your emotional IQ in your family and workplace?
Are you wasting time in needless conflict?
Do you find yourself overacting to stress in your life at work and home?
Do you feel like people are constantly pushing your buttons?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions, please join us at Saddleback Church on June 21st as we present a FREE workshop entitled: Reduce Stress to Build Better Relationships Click on the events tab for more information and registration details. We’d love to see you there!

Happy Father’s Day!!
To help celebrate our fabulous dads, all of our How We Love our Kids material as as well as our Comfort Circle Bookmarks will be on sale until the end of the month! These make great gifts for dads of all ages!!

What Masters You?

There is a great verse in the bible we should all be aware of. It is found in I Corinthians 6:12. “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me but I will not be mastered by anything. Paul is speaking here of Christ’s work on the cross freeing us from being judged by the law. The encouragement here is to choose what is profitable which I cannot do if something has mastery over me. Addictions, since they are meeting real needs always get to the point of having mastery over us. The addiction controls us no matter how we may tell ourselves this isn’t so.

Compulsion is the word often used to describe this behavior. It means:

A FORCE that makes somebody do something.
COMPELLING…an act of compelling or the state of being compelled.
PSYCHOLOGICAL FORCE, usually an irrational force that makes somebody do something, often unwillingly.

Do you have mastery over your behavior, or does it have mastery over you? Do you tell yourself, I’m not going to do such and such only to give in with rationalizations later?
Why are we compulsive?

BECAUSE ADDICTIONS RELEIVE STRESS AND BAD FEELINGS. IF WE STOP THE ADDICITIVE BEHAVIOR NEGATIVE FEELINGS SURFACE AND DRIVE US TOWARD RELIEF. TO GET RELIEF, WE END UP DOING THE BEHAVIOR.

If you have an addiction it is meeting some need. What is that need? What is it that you don’t want to face, don’t want to deal with? What feelings are you medicating?

I work in a prison ministry and have he opportunity to meet with a group of ladies who are incarcerated. Many of them are in there for some sort of addictive behavior and they have been caught one too many times. They see the destructive costs. They have poor health, many have lost their children and relationships due to their addictions. Almost all vow to change and not let these addictions rule them any longer. I have one over-riding thing I lovingly try to drum into their heads over and over least they forget it. This is what I say:

“UNTIL YOU KNOW THE NEED YOUR ADDICTION MEETS AND GET THAT NEED MET THROUGH HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD AND OTHERS YOU WILL GO BACK TO YOUR ADDICTION.”

This is why Milan and I make such a big deal about learning to get comfort and relief from your spouse. Learn to give comfort to your kids so they aren’t as tempted to find relief non-relationally.

If you don’t know how to get relief from people you are very vulnerable to addictive behaviors because addictions do what God intended relationships to do. They are a cheap substitute for the real thing. Do you have an addiction you long to be free of? Here is the first step to freedom. Determine what feeling you are trying to get rid of when you turn to your addictive behavior. Are you lonely? Bored? Overwhelmed? Depressed? Sad? Ashamed? Insecure? Inadequate? Anxious? What is the feeling that stresses you?
Then ask yourself one more question. Is that a feeling you often felt in childhood? If the answer is “Yes”, then you have an even bigger well of pain you are medicating away. Next week we will talk about what to do next.

Blessings,
Kay

Addictions…Do you have one? – update!

A reader suggests another addiction…..

A reader emailed and said, “Cell phones (devises) should be added to the list of addictions.” Amen to that!! I have worked with couples who fight about one partner who cannot resist looking at their cell phone every time it pings. BIG distraction to relationships. And Moms of kids….even babies know you are not present when you are on a cell phone or computer. So let’s add this to the list.

Upcoming Event at Saddleback Church!

Do you want to improve your emotional IQ in your family and workplace?
Are you wasting time in needless conflict? Do you find yourself overacting to stress in your life at work and home? Do you feel like people are constantly pushing your buttons?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions, please join us at Saddleback Church on June 21st as we present a FREE workshop entitled: Reduce Stress to Build Better Relationships
Click on the events tab for more information and registration details. We’d love to see you there!