Are you a pleaser or a vacillator?

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Kay

This is the last weekend to get the NEW Love Style Lectures, either download or CD, on sale. Next week they will go back up to regular price. We hope you are enjoying them. Also, keep your eyes open for some other new exciting products we are working on!

For a few weeks we are going to do a series on similarities and differences between the different styles. We are asked certain questions again and again when we teach How We Love workshops. Here are the most common questions to help clarify your love style.

Are you a pleaser or a vacillator?
Pleasers are similar to vacillators in one way. They both like proximity and try to please to make others happy. However, their motives differ. Pleasers are nice to avoid conflict and rejection. Vacillators are nice to gain attention and be noticed. Many times at our conferences someone will come up and say, “I think I am a pleaser, but I’m not sure. I always ask this question, “Do you get mad?” If the answer is, “No, I don’t get angry,” then I can be pretty sure they are a pleaser. Pleasers don’t get angry as it might cause conflict and pleasers are terrified of fighting because they don’t like anyone to be angry with them. Pleasers believe anger isn’t “nice” and pleasers like harmony. In fact learning to feel and express anger is a growth goal for pleasers.
If the answer is, “Yes I get mad,” then my next guess is this…”I think you may be a vacillator.” Vacillators try to please to make some sort of connection happen. If their efforts do not produce the desired effect then vacillators get mad whereas pleasers will just try harder. The vacillator’s anger may be direct and loud or it may be a sudden dark mood that sends a clear message of displeasure. Vacillators protest, (anger) then feel despair, (this will never change) then detach. Protest, despair, detachment. Eventually vacillators re-engage (without resolution) and the pattern repeats. After many years the vacillators may permanently detach and give up trying. At this point they may say,” I think I’m an avoider”.
Avoiders don’t have a pattern of protest, despair, and detachment. They have never expressed disappointment over a lack of connection. Are you a detached vacillator? Then anger has probably diminished as you have given up on the relationship. I see a danger at this point for the vacillator’s anger to turn into a root of bitterness. While this bitterness may feel justified bitterness takes a toll on body, mind and spirit. In fact the bible says it damages not only you but others around you. Read Hebrews 12: 14-17.

Desire

Posted on April 19, 2013 by Kay

Milan and I have been with an extra ordinary amount of people this week who are despairing, grieving, stretching to hold onto their faith. The battle has been intense. These words come from the time in my own life when hope was crushed.

The Mystery of God

Desire…the hunger of the soul for life vibrant, eyes locked in understanding, skin touching in warm embrace, feet dancing to the rhythms of life. Longing to experience life as God intended before the rebellion began.

Glimpses of perfection. Light dancing through shimmering leaves. A wet, wailing newborn placed in mama’s arms for the first time. Moments of deep connection when hearts reveal their story in the scared space of grace.

Desire thwarted. Prayer unanswered. Longing crushed. Frantic, searching for seeds of hope, watering, waiting, trying to keep “wanting” alive. But desire withers, brown thirsty, unquenched, it lies motionless, a shrunken seed under the scorching sun of disappointment.

Desire lost. Hope smothered until no breath is left, no energy to even try to kindle a spark or nurse a dying ember back to life.

How do I desire the one who has let hope die? How do I long for the one who watched me plead and stood quiet? Desire and hope have torn me to pieces. Loss has swallowed me whole.

I go down into the belly of the whale, into the dark tomb where threads of trust hold me in the shrouded mystery of God. I lay here quiet for a long time, shards of broken hope scattered around me.

God rocks me quiet on those threads of trust giving me time, space. I am learning to rest in the mystery of God, more deeply acknowledging the crushing brokenness of this world held by dark tentacles of sin. My faith is learning to rest, solid on the final victory when all His children are in his presence and every tear is wiped away.

Now, we see dimly. But then face to face with our great God, battle won…. Forever.
Desire, longing, hope fulfilled far beyond what my mind can conceive, all God has prepared for me, whom he loves.

New Love Style Audio Lectures Now Available!

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Mary Belanger

We are excited to announce that the New Updated 2013 Love Style Audio Lectures are now available in both CD and audio download format.

Hear Milan and Kay discuss each Love Style in depth as well as how each style presents in relationships. Milan and Kay also go over growth goals and strategies for each love style to move toward being more securely connected.

For a limited time these CDs and downloads are available on howwelove.com for a reduced price. Don’t miss out!!

We thank you for your support and continue to pray for all of you on your journey toward healthy relationships.

Blessings!

Special Announcement

Posted on March 1, 2013 by Mary Belanger

Hi,

We are excited to announce that we have re-recorded and improved each of the individual Love Style lectures. We are in the process of finalizing the products and they will be available on the website very soon. They will now also be available in a CD format, as well as the current downloadable format.

We have also added many new speaking engagements under the “Events” tab. Please check to see if there is one in your area that you could join us for. We would love to have you!

Please visit: www.howwelove.com to get more information on all we are doing!

Have a great weekend!

Traits of a Secure Connector – #23 in a series

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Kay

Traits of the Secure Connector: Asking for Redo’s.

Well we have been in a long but important series on all the traits of the secure connector. These can serve as goals no matter what love style you are. Today we write on a very important topic that we hope will become common place in your home. Would you answer the following question with a “Yes”, or “No”?
I can ask for a “do-over” and try again when I blow it with my mate. (or kids)
We all have bad days when we are not at our best. We talk too harshly or dismiss too quickly. Maybe we are dishonest, avoid responding to a family member’s needs or make a selfish decision. Perhaps we realize we were insensitive, sarcastic or hurtful with our words. Some of us use body language that is destructive we roll our eyes in annoyance, sigh with impatience or glare in disgust. We all make mistakes but many times we don’t actively repair by owning our shortcoming and asking for a do-over. Here is a sentence you need to make a part of your family’s life.
I was insensitive when I minimized your pain (acknowledge the bad behavior that fits) and that must have make you feel discounted (make a guess as to what feeling your bad behavior caused) and I would like a do- over so I can really hear you. Is now a good time?
This statement is about your wrongdoing and the desire to correct the offensive behavior. It is not about blaming anyone else for your reaction and behavior. Let’s look at another example.
I raised my voice and had a harsh tone last night and that must have made you feel demeaned and I would like a do-over so I can respond in a more tender thoughtful way. Is now a good time?
Son, I was hard on you at the ball game yesterday. I bet you felt anxious. It’s hard to do your best when I’m constantly yelling directions. I would like to hear how you feel about my behavior. Next week I would like a do over and I will control myself and be more encouraging.
Sometimes we cannot redo something but we can still offer to listen to the feelings of the one we have offended.
I tried to be funny last night at dinner and my humor was at your expense and I bet that made you feel humiliated. I wish I would not have done that but I want to hear how it made you feel before I apologize. (Save your apology until after you have listened to the feelings.)
It’s always best if we ask for the do-over when our behavior or words are out of line. But it’s also OK to request a redo.
Your anger really shut me down last night. I care about our communication and I would really like a do-over. Is now a good time?
Each love style has its own propensity for offensive behavior. Be on the lookout for how your behavior, words and body language affect others and take ownership and ask for a do-over when you are wrong….even its minor in your from your perspective.
Avoider: Most like to hurt others by
• not responding
• dismissing
• fixing rather than listening
• ignoring opportunities for comfort
• minimizing another’s feelings
• putting too much value on tasks and performance
• not being grace filled with another’s mistakes.
Pleaser: Most likely to hurt others by
• not being honest
• minimizing problems
• overcommitting until your family is getting leftovers,
• not confronting when something is wrong
• being indecisive.
Vacillator: Most likely to hurt others by
• idealism (expectations too high)
• devaluing (making others all bad)
• harsh or mean words when angry
• Criticizing others when their ways or views are different.
Controller: Most likely to hurt others by
• Intimidation
• harsh mean words
• insisting on one’s own way
• not deferring or others
• not listening to feelings
• views and opinions of others
• making excuses for own bad behavior.
Victim: Most likely to hurt others by
• Not protecting self or kids
• ignoring what is blatantly wrong
• making excuses for offenders
• taking the blame for things that are not their responsibility.

Thanks for listening,
Kay

The Secure Connector: #19 in a series.

Posted on January 14, 2013 by Milan

The Secure Connector: #19 in a series.

Trait: I don’t hold on to resentments and am able to forgive my spouse.
When Shirley came into my office with her husband, I asked her what was bothering her the most about their marriage. “He’s hurt me so many times… over and over.” “By now if he really loved me, he would just know what I need and how to love me.” When I asked her if she could ever forgive her husband and start over, she said “there is too much water under the bridge, I resent him so much, and I could never forget the hurt he has done to me.” With further inquiry about the hurts, Shirley was able to begin with an incident on her honeymoon and had I not stopped her after six or so stories, I think she could have gone on for hours.
Although she didn’t realize it, I began to surmise that the biggest problem in the marriage was Shirley’s definition of “hurt” and her inadequate self-awareness about her expectations of love. Along with that, came an inability to forgive her husband.
Over the many months to follow, Shirley slowly came to realize that she had a resistant attachment wound from early childhood, what we call The Vacillator in our book How We Love. At the simplest level, her exceedingly high and perfectionistic views of love left her husband chronically frustrated, and he would tell me every week, “nothing I do is good enough, fast enough, pure enough or thorough enough.” With Shirley’s insight and self-reflective skill almost absent, she didn’t realize that her idealistic views of love and life were sabotaging the very love she wanted. Because he failed so many times to measure up, she was resistant to attach to him and kept him hanging and dancing like a puppet at the hands of a scornful marionette.
Over time, as Shirley gradually moved toward becoming a secure connector, here were some of the things she began to mindfully incorporate into her life.
1. The world and all that is in it, is broken… including love and relationships.
2. Transitioning from unstated expectations to negotiated requests and accepting limited outcomes was to live a life based upon reality and not fantasy.
3. Accepting that she and her husband fell short every day with good and bad existing in each of them, she was better able to accept weakness and failure in her husband, children and ultimately… herself.
4. Asking for what she desired from her husband and then assessing compliance levels, allowed for realistic judgments about successes and failures.
5. Accepting criticism and differences of opinion without becoming offended and learning to bend to the will of others.
How about you? Have you held on to resentment and struggle to forgive your spouse? Take a few lessons from Shirley and begin studying the Vacillator section in the workbook (included at the end of How We Love) and ask God to give you a new perspective. Your unhappiness may be self-imposed and God has something much better in store for you in the future.
Thanks for Listening,
Milan & Kay

The Happiest Place on Earth?

Posted on January 3, 2013 by Milan

This morning I heard a report from a major news source regarding a couple who went to Disneyland every day during the year 2012. 365 days in a row… no misses… no exceptions. Why? They “just love it!” I guess so, after all it is “the happiest place on earth.”
A colleague asked me what my thoughts were about this couple’s reasons for doing such a thing. Please keep in mind I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but here are a few thoughts and observations that came to mind. First, Disneyland is called an “amusement” park. The word “muse” means “to think, ponder and consider”, certainly words that are contemplative and require introspection. The letter “a” in front of muse means the absence of musing. So to be amused is to have someone else occupy my mind and prevent me from deeper self-reflective thoughts and observations.
Second, many of us are terrified of our own minds and emotions, and we stay busy so as not to have to slow down and face our true thoughts and feelings. Often we stay busy to prevent ourselves from a collision course with our inner selves which is unknown, unexamined and subsequently for many of us a horrifying proposition.
Third, achieving balance as human beings is very hard. At one end of the spectrum is denial and escapism, the avoidance of reality (perhaps our couple above). At the other end is a morbid obsession with everything that is wrong with life. This unhealthy immersion with reality inevitability leads to anxiety, depression and a darkness that can suffocate our souls.
Lastly, healthy balance involves both fun and light hearted moments as well as times where we pear into our inner man (soul). There we examine our places of pain, conflict and confusion which we than can bring into relationship with God (prayer) and others, which in turn provides relief and comfort. When we strive to balance both ends of the spectrum equally, we begin to have choices in life as opposed to addictions and compulsions… the silent and destructive animators of our destiny.
That’s my New Year’s resolution, daily working to find a better balance between reality and delightful escapes.

To a happier 2013,
Milan and Kay

Tips for the Holidays

Posted on December 23, 2012 by Kay

Here is a good rule when you are going to be around difficult relatives. Predict what will happen. You know them well. Talk with your spouse or kids (if they are old enough) about what you predict. Then have a sense of humor when it happens. Give someone in your family a thumbs up….”see, there it was…my prediction just came true. The goal? You know you are an adult around your family and relatives if when you leave you are not disappointed, angry, or hurt. After all what did you expect?

Avoider
Learn to feel…black and white to color. Jesus came to earth because he feels love and desire. Ask Him to wake you up this holiday season to the importance of relationships. That’s what the coming of our savior was all about; winning our hearts and meeting our deepest need. It wasn’t about tasks as much as expressing love. Frozen, tundra heart of the avoider waits to be unthawed. It stings to unthaw a frost bit hand. Ask Jesus to melts the ice until you are free to live in the color of emotion and accept your needs as important and worth meeting.

Pleaser
Pleaser season giving giving, giving. Stop. Quiet. Look .listen. What can you receive? Ask for help. Sit with people and talk instead of cleaning or doing dishes. The holidays mean we are around relatives who might hurt us with insensitive words. Maybe someone in our own family won’t appreciate all the work and effort you have made. Jesus proved hurt and rejection aren’t deadly. Glorious birth, then rejection. Death before resurrection. No fear. Rejection can be transformed into resurrection.

Vacillator
No idyllic Christmas. Just real. Jesus birth was messy not ideal. Let the season be good and bad. It won’t be as good as you hope and something will go wrong. So when it does, don’t over react , go all bad and suffer. Let it roll off. Let good and bad live close together in the days ahead. Jesus came into our world a broken place and still He accepts us as broken. Learn to let yourself and those around you be imperfect and messy. It’s a part of life.

Controller
Holidays can be reminders of painful childhood times. Think about your feelings about Christmas. Are they overly idealized to make up for all you suffered as a child? Or do you just barely tolerate the holidays because of how miserable they were growing up? It’s time of a reality based redo. Try to make this Christmas something “little you” can enjoy. Remember your anger is a cover for tender feelings. Something will probably upset you so when it does, look for the vulnerable feeling when you feel angry.

Victim
Jesus tolerated the intolerable on the cross. He understands your pain. Find solace in His love. Find Jesus in the days ahead in His gift of creation. Look, see, hear, touch the wonder. You are His wonder too. He came to this earth for you because you are loveable, worthy and He rejoices when you become His child. He is a good parent and he desires you. Dwell on Romans 8.

We wish you all a very Merry Christmas and look forward to growing more with you in the New Year!

Tips to help navigate the Holiday struggles!

Posted on December 17, 2012 by Mary Belanger

We have heard from many of you that you do not have Twitter or Facebook so we have decided to put the tips on the website as well. We will add to this post everyday to cover all of the Love Styles. We pray that you are enjoying this Holiday Season and taking time to love and connect with those around you.

Tip # 1: for the Avoider: Learn to feel…black and white to color. Jesus came to earth because he feels love and desire. Ask Him to wake you up.

Tip #2: for the Pleaser: Pleaser season givinggivinggiving. Stop, quiet, look and listen. What can you receive?

Tip #3: for the Vacillator: No idyllic Christmas. Just real. Jesus’ birth was messy not ideal. Let the season be good and bad.

Tip #4: for the Controller: Holidays can be reminders of painful childhood times. Redo. Make this christmas something “little you” can enjoy.

We are also on Focus on the Family today and tomorrow. You can listen to the streaming video at www.focusonthefamily.com/radio.

Check back tomorow for a Holiday tip for all the Controllers.

Blessings to you and all your family and loved ones!


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