Update and Upcoming Event!

Hi Family,
Thanks for your love support and prayers for our family. Brayden’s surgery 3/3/14 was successful. The fibrous / fatty mass was removed and the spinal cord released. On Wednesday 3/5/14 he was released from the hospital and Kelly, Blake and Brayden came to our house for the recovery phase. Brayden is healthy, smiling and his 5 inch incision is healing well. Our house is a mess and if our washing machine could talk it would say… “Really??? I thought we were through this phase!”
While some kids have urological /bladder problems that can develop sooner or later in development, it appears by the power of his little fire hose that at least for now his bladder and urination is of gold medal caliber. Who would have thought “I’m happy to have a baby pee all over me.”

They will probably be with us for another week and then head back to their apartment where they will get back to life as usual. I invite you to into their journey and continue to covet your prayers. Follow along at http://braydenisbrave.wordpress.com. Kelly’s journey will warm your heart and strengthen your faith.

Thank you to all of you HWL’rs! Your personal support, love, encouragement, stories and prayers from all over the world have lifted Kelly and Blake to another level of encouragement. Recent comments from Kelly:
• “Dad! I can’t believe it! We had a thousand people look at our blog on the first day! How many people read your blog?” (Answer: “I don’t know… I never check… ask your Mom or Mary.)
• “Daddy! The encouragement and personal stories people are sending are amazing.”
• “Dad, did you know that some of the people reading the blog call themselves HWL’rs? (Answer: “No I didn’t. Cool!”)
• “Dad, did you know how many countries get the blog? It’s amazing! (Answer: “No I didn’t. Cool!) ( Are you beginning to see a pattern here?)

Kay and I will be speaking at Christ The King Church in Bellingham, WA this Friday night March 14th from 6:00 -8:30 PM and Saturday morning March 15th from 9:00 AM to 12:30 PM. We will be teaching our How We Love our Kids workshop. You are welcome to join us and walk ins are welcome!!! The address is 4173 Meridian Street, Bellingham, WA 98226.
Thanks for your support and love,
Milan

Similarities and Differences between the Avoider and Pleaser

Special announcement!

The How We Love workbook is once again available as a separate book. If you prefer to have a workbook that has room to write your answers and thoughts as you go, this may be for you. The workbook is also still available in the back of the paperback version of How We Love.

You can get the workbook at the following sites:

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=how+we+love+workbook

Also, we will be in Everett, WA on 5/17-5/18-2-13

On Friday night we will present a training for leaders and counselors who are familiar with the How We Love material and are interested in learning more about leading a How We Love group. The training will be from 6-9pm at New Life Foursquare church.

On Saturday, May 18 we will present a How We Love workshop from 9-4 at New Life Foursquare church. For more details and registration information, please visit: www.newlifecenter.org/howwelove or check under our “Events” tab.

Similarities and Differences between the Avoider and Pleaser

Are you an Avoider or Pleaser?
What are the similarities between the avoider and the pleaser? Neither style likes to deal with negative messy emotions. Pleasers don’t like conflict so they avoid difficult feelings. Avoiders have no training from childhood in how to enter into emotions and deal with feelings. To the avoider, feelings are a foreign language they don’t speak. If an avoider and pleaser marry they will likely report that they rarely fight. This is because each avoids problems as problems involve difficult emotions. Pleasers and avoiders both minimize bad news as they don’t have the skills to deal with challenging emotions.
How are these two styles different? Pleasers are more empathetic than avoiders and will try and indirectly “fix” and make things better. They want to alleviate suffering and make it go away by excusing, distracting, minimizing, and looking at the “bright side.” To the pleaser love equals rescuing others from having to experience difficult emotions or consequences. This style is the classic co-dependent who needs to be needed. Pleasers view consequences as unpleasant and will have difficultly letting a family member experience the negative consequences of their actions and choices. Rather than letting others learn from mistakes, pleasers rescue people from consequences.
Unlike pleasers, avoiders lack empathy and think every mistake should have a consequence because they put such high value on responsibility. While pleasers can be too soft, avoiders can be too harsh. Having received little grace and tenderness as kids, these are foreign concepts to avoiders. Avoiders show love by being responsible and doing tasks. While pleasers “fix” difficult emotions, avoiders dismiss difficult emotions by saying things like, “Settle down,” “Stop crying, it won’t change anything,” “Forget it and move forward.”
Both of these styles need to learn to identify feelings and explain their internal experiences. Pleasers need to develop boundaries and the emotion of anger. Avoiders need to learn to take their stress to people and learn to receive empathy so they can understand the value of comfort and the relief it can bring. The avoider has difficulty understanding or valuing comfort until they allow themselves to need.
Happy Mother’s Day

Upcoming Local How We Love Workshop

Kay and I have the privilege of speaking all over the country, so when we plan a How We Love workshop here at home, we are really excited. It is fun to be with the friends and family as well as invited guests who are passionately interested in strengthening their marriages or discovering what may have gone wrong in the last romantic relationship. Life is difficult and when we enter into relationship, it becomes harder. Yet as Kay and I have learned, it is possible to have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage which can come if the right kind of work is done.

If you are not convinced as to whether or not you should come to our next How We Love workshop, go on line and read our How We Love book reviews on Amazon. Almost 100 review, with some of the most breathtaking testimonies imaginable. As you know, I tend to under sell myself, so if you are not convinced about whether or not to invest 6 hours into our workshop, let the voices of others give you a nudge.

How We Love Workshop
Relationship 180 is hosting our How We Love Seminar with Milan and Kay Yerkovich on Saturday, March 23, 2013 at Mission Hills Church in Mission Viejo.

Join Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of the book “How We Love” for a unique and proven approach to healthy relationships.

Simply go to our website: www.relationship180.com for details and to register.

We would love to have you join us!

Please see our website for future offerings: How We Love Our Kids, and Therapist Continuing Education.

Hope to see you for our only local Relationship180 sponsored How We Love workshop in 2013. If you are willing, please forward the info to your e-mails lists. Thanks!
Love and blessings,
Milan

Special Announcement

Hi,

We are excited to announce that we have re-recorded and improved each of the individual Love Style lectures. We are in the process of finalizing the products and they will be available on the website very soon. They will now also be available in a CD format, as well as the current downloadable format.

We have also added many new speaking engagements under the “Events” tab. Please check to see if there is one in your area that you could join us for. We would love to have you!

Please visit: www.howwelove.com to get more information on all we are doing!

Have a great weekend!

November Updates

Hi everyone

We hope you all had a fun and safe Halloween.

Milan and Kay have been extrememly busy preparing for the annual Relationship 180 Celebration and Fundraising dinner on November 3rd.  Please pray for our team as we share the vision and heart of the ministry!

Milan and Kay will be speaking in East Lansing, Michigan nexr weekend.  If you live in the area and would like to attend the workshop, we would love to have you.  For more informaiton look on our website under “Events”.  There you will find all the details about location, times and registration.

Have a wonderful week!

Blessings,

Mary

 

Computer Crash!!

Hi All,

We hope you had a wonderful week and are enjoying your summer so far!

Milan’s computer crashed this week and, therefore, we will not have an official blog this week.  Please pray for us as we get a new computer and get back online early next week.  In our hyper- technological world it feels a bit lonely to be completely unplugged.  However, it is a good time to reflect on the many blessings we have!  Especially the simple ones.

Food for thought this week….

“Honesty is the beginning of growth”

Think about where you need to be more honest with yourself or others in order to keep growing.

Have a blessed week and we will look forward to being back with all of you next week.

Milan and Kay

Birthday Thoughts

Next Thursday is my (Kay’s) birthday…the big 60! I have received the gift of life for another year.  One more decade is gone and most likely; I am entering the last quarter.

My grandmother use to tell me life goes faster and faster. Toward the end of her life when she was confined to her room and did not get out anymore I asked her, “Granny, does time still fly by or is it slowing down?”

Her reply? “Faster than ever.”

I am beginning to believe her. Two verses come to mind.

Psalm 90:12:  “Teach us to realize the brevity of life, so that we may grow in wisdom.”

Ecclesiastes 7:4: “A wise person thinks a lot about death, while a fool thinks only about having a good time.”

Does that sound like a morbid thought for my birthday?  Actually, it’s just the opposite.

Thinking about death is a marker of wisdom and the brevity of life sets my perspective in the here and now reminding me of the value of the present moment.  What’s really important and significant?

Who do I need to forgive? Who is hurting and how can I help? How can God use me in this present day? What attribute of God can I celebrate? To whom can I express thanks?  What truth about my brokenness do I need to acknowledge? Who needs an encouraging word? Will I take the time to sit still…today… so God can whisper words of love to me?

I think more diligently about these things after a funeral.  Birth day. Death day.  Perspective setters.

A reminder that every day I move toward life or death

Many times a day I stand at forks in the road, one path leads to birth, life and the other to darkness, death.  I choose daily and I too give life or death, vitality or despondency, joy or sorrow.

Choices: words of life and hope or words that wound and separate.  Lord, help me choose your way, giver of life and victor over death.

Thanks for listening,

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

 

Homecomings

Homecomings

I was reading in Acts 27-28, how Paul and his traveling companions were shipwrecked by a powerful storm and ended up on the Island of Malta.

Their lives were spared and God continued to use them as they served the Lord, spreading the Gospel and ministering to people who were in need.

Last Sunday, after Kay and I had finished speaking in Columbia Missouri, we were having dinner at my cousin’s house and a storm hit that was very severe.

Thunder, lightening, rain, hail, with severe winds… it really got our attention.

Eventually it blew over and the weather cleared.

Unfortunately, an hour later, this same storm turned into a tornado that hit Joplin Missouri and the results were devastating and many people were killed.

The next day we drove to the Kansas City airport, our flight to Dallas was cancelled as were many others due to thunder storms in Texas.

We were stranded and the airline could only promise the possibility of getting us home by Wednesday.

We ran over to Southwest Airlines and were able to purchase the last two expensive tickets to San Diego for a five o’clock flight.

We landed in San Diego, took a taxi to the train station, rode the Amtrak to Irvine, took a taxi to John Wayne airport, looked in vain for our luggage, got in our car and drove home.

Our heads hit the pillow at midnight.

As of this morning, we still do not have our luggage… hopefully it will arrive today.

We live in a broken world… I’m broken, the world’s broken… nothing works right.

So we trust God, even when things go awry and get up the next morning to live another day and serve Him.

Eventually, the end of The Apostle Paul’s life came to a close, but until he went home to be with the Lord, he understood his mission and destiny and remained the faithful servant.

Evidently, our home coming was reserved for another day, and we ask you to pray for us as Kay and I continue to serve the Kingdom of God through our counseling and teaching ministries.

God continues to bless what we do, and the hard work seems to be paying off as lives are changing, people become healthier and the quality of relationships improve.

We also pray God’s comfort for the people of Joplin and other towns devastated by tornados and other natural disasters.

Thanks for listening.

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Rupture and Repair

 

Thank you to all of you for your love and support as we ushered Millie Kay into the arms of Jesus.

These past eight weeks have been difficult, but your encouragement and kind words have helped sustain us.

For those of you that have asked, below is the information for Millie’s memorial Service:

Saturday April 23, 2011 @ 2:30 PM in Waverly Chapel (the stone church to your right as you enter the main gate of the Memorial Park)

Fairhaven Memorial Park & Mortuary

1702 Fairhaven Avenue

Santa Ana, CA 92705

714-633-1442

_____________________________________________________________

Why is this subject of Rupture and Repair so important?

Because ruptures are inevitable.

It’s a broken world and we all have wayward tendencies.

We cause hurt in our relationships actively or passively.

When  breaches are repaired more often than not, the level of safety increases and a deeper foundation of trust is built.

Conflict is not overwhelming or frightening because one has learned in a family growing up that conflict is normal and repair and restoration is possible.

What if we don’t have memories of repair?

Then we have to start from the beginning and learn these skills.

Rupture and repair are at the heart of Christianity.

It is the central message of the gospel.

Jesus was aware of the rupture.

He did not minimize it.

It was serious.

The Father initiated a plan to restore, redeem and repair.

It required suffering, humility, patience and sacrifice on His part.

Our part?

To engage and see our need for repair.

To own our brokenness.

There is the model for relationships right there.

Is your heart set on restoration?

Will you admit it when you hurt or overlook or avoid those you love?

Because you do hurt them.

Do you have a plan?

Are you willing to sacrifice or suffer in the process?

Will you go that far?

Willingness is the greatest thing you need to learn to repair.

Next week we will look at each love style and where they are likely to struggle.

Thanks for listening.

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  We will look at each love style and where they are likely to struggle.

Relationship Ruptures

Millie went to be with Jesus last night.

We are praising God for his timing as we have a vacation scheduled next week and desperately need to rest.

We can rest knowing Millie is walking in her new body that works perfectly.

I can’t imagine how that must feel to her after living her life with cerebral palsy, in a wheelchair, totally dependent on others.

I was with her all day wed and into the evening.

Even though she was non responsive I know the sense of hearing is the last to go so I talked to her softly right next to her head, sang to herJesus loves me, and reassured her she wasn’t alone.

My step father also passed away this week after a long decline from a stroke six years ago.

I was inspired to write this poem as I contemplated the struggle around both birth and death.

The newsletter begins after the poem.

Thanks you all for your prayers.

We consider it the highest form of love given to us.

Blessings, Kay

Arrivals and Departures

 

Droplets of exhaustion bead across her forehead

Eyes closed, weary breaths, rapid, panting,

Once more eyebrows arch in pain, eyes lock tight.

Hands clench in readiness; body now bent bearing down. 

Tight clamped jaw set in determination pushing past the weariness.

She labors toward the miracle of seeing her firstborn.

At last battle over, baby slips out, wet, shinny, new.

Music of a cry heralds the arrival, all eyes moist.

Soft kisses of greeting hush the cry, eyes touch in wonder

Three in an embrace of welcome, faces touching faces.

Now the journey marked by years of memories,

Face lined with rows of time like rings of a tree. 

Head hang to the side in feeble exhaustion.

Hands once tiny fisted now lie limp, open in surrender.

Breath comes panting, for days now gasping between moans.

Once laboring to come, now laboring to go.     Waiting.

Struggling for entrance, pushing closer to the cervix of eternity.

Whispered goodbyes, soft caresses bid her onward. 

Finally, still.  She has heard the call home, heaven opens. 

Her tears forever hushed, she runs toward open arms.

Faces touching faces in greeting.

This month we are talking about rupture and repair.  Mr. Webster has this to say.

Rupture:

Definition:  A broken state.  A break in something, or breaking apart of something.  A breach in relations.  A breakdown in a friendly or peaceful relationship. 

Synonyms:  break, crack, split, burst, rip open, shatter

Now that this definition is fresh in your mind, let’s go back in time and look at our love lessons growing up about rupture and repair.

Today we are just going to focus on rupture.

Next week we will look at repair.

No parent is perfect.

All parents do things that cause ruptures with their kids.

Stop and consider:

What did your dad do that caused ruptures in your relationship?

What did your mom do that caused ruptures in your relationship with her?

If you want to go further, how about siblings?  What did they do?

Your parents’ personality, behaviors, level of maturity, ability to handle stress and lack of awareness may all contribute to the specific ways they caused ruptures.  You will have a different list for each parent.

What broke your trust?

What made it unsafe to be vulnerable?

What made you want to get out of the house?

Some of you had parents that left.

That’s an earthquake rupture that we talked about last week.

Increase your own self awareness by making a list of what your parents did.

You may be surprised to find out exactly what caused breakdowns in your relationship with your family members.

Personally, my dad’s behaviors are easy to spot.

His impatience, anger and self absorption were the cause of many ruptures.

My mom was a pleaser so her behaviors that caused ruptures are more subtle.  My mom could not listen to feelings.

She avoided anything painful.

She pretended things were fine when they were not.

This caused a breakdown of trust and safety.

She was “nice” but useless when anything difficult came my way.

Now, it wouldn’t be Kay writing if I did not ask you how this made you feel!

Go back and pick three feeling words for your dad and three for your mom.

When they caused ruptures how did it make you feel?

Write it down.

Next week we will consider the subject of repair.

You say you can’t find your list of feelings?  No problem.  Look below.

 

SOUL WORDS

A Feelings Word List

HAPPY, cheerful, delighted, elated, encouraged, glad, gratified, joyful, lighthearted, overjoyed, pleased, relieved, satisfied, thrilled, secure.

LOVING, affectionate, cozy, passionate, romantic, sexy, warm, tender, responsive, thankful, appreciative, refreshed, pleased.

HIGH ENERGY, energetic, enthusiastic, excited, playful, rejuvenated, talkative, pumped. motivated, driven, determined, obsessed.

AMAZED, stunned, surprised, shocked, jolted, perplexed.

ANXIOUS, uneasy, embarrassed, frustrated, nauseated, ashamed, nervous, restless, worried stressed.

CONFIDENT, positive, secure, self assured, assertive.

PEACEFUL, relieved, at ease, calm, comforted, cool, relaxed, serene.

AFRAID, scared, anxious, apprehensive, boxed in, burdened, confused, distressed, fearful, frightened, guarded, hard pressed, overwhelmed, panicky, paralyzed, tense, terrified, worried, insecure.

TRAUMATIZED, shocked, disturbed, injured, damaged.

ANGRY, annoyed, controlled, manipulated, furious, grouchy, grumpy, irritated, provoked, frustrated.

LOW ENERGY, beaten down, exhausted, tired, weak, listless, depressed, detached, withdrawn, indifferent, apathetic.

ALONE, avoidant, lonely, abandoned, deserted, forlorn, isolated, cut off, detached.

SAD, unhappy, crushed, dejected, depressed, desperate, despondent, grieved, heartbroken, heavy, weepy.

BETRAYED, deceived, fooled, duped, tricked.

CONFUSED, baffled, perplexed, mystified, bewildered.

ASHAMED, guilty, mortified, humiliated, embarrassed, exposed.

Thanks for listening.

Love and Blessings,

Milan & Kay

Next Week:  More about rupture and repair.