STEP TWO

Take a Test to Discover Your Love Style
and Find the Answers to Common Questions

Are you an Avoider, Vacillator, Pleaser, Controller or Victim? Take this easy quiz to determine your Love Style. When you discover your Love Style you will have a much better understanding of why your relationships with others are the way they are.

Following is a summary for each love style. 

Find the love style that describes you.

Follow the link below the summary of the love style that best describes you and take a short quiz to determine if that love style matches you.

Remember this is only a preliminary test.  We suggest reading our book, How We Love before making any conclusions about your primary love style.

Should someone else rate me?

Sometimes, if our self awareness is low, we may not see ourselves as others experience us. 

Having someone else rate us can help us gain awareness of how we behave in relationships. 

If you are married, we highly suggest having your spouse look at the lists and rate you to see if you both agree on your answers. 

THE AVOIDER

If you are an avoider you are private, self-sufficient and like your “space”. You are usually “fine”, have few emotions, and avoid being needy. Most likely, your spouse wants more connection and affection than you want to give and you may try to comply with their wishes, but ask for little in return. When your mate becomes angry because you “won’t connect”, you minimize and attempt to evade the conflict. Your partner’s complaints are most likely the focal point and if they were happy, you would be fine. You are probably task oriented and a high achiever and show your love by doing more than by connecting. Over time, you may resent your spouse because you feel they always want something, while you want very little. Your spouse may tell you that you are distant and don’t seem to need them. One of your most important growth goals will be to learn to receive and give on an emotional level by becoming more aware of your feelings and needs.

Take The Avoider Quiz to Determine If You Are An Avoider

THE PLEASER

Growing up, you were probably known as the “good kid” and tried your best to please others and avoid rejection or criticism. As an adult, you form connections by seeking to meet the needs of others with little consideration or awareness of your own needs. You have difficulty tolerating space, separation, and conflict in relationships and emotional or physical distance from your mate may cause feelings of anxiety, insecurity or jealousy to surface. When others are upset with you, pursuing and giving help to sooth the anxiety and stress you feel. You avoid conflict and it’s difficult for you to be honest. Anger, if felt, is expressed indirectly or not at all. If you have been in this role for a long time in your marriage, you may be resentful feeling you give more than you get. You spouse may tell you that you over pursue and give things they don’t ask for or want. Your most important growth goal is to learn to say “No”, and tolerate the conflict that may result from being more honest. Expressing your own feelings and needs will help your relationships be more reciprocal.

Take The Pleaser Quiz to Determine If You Are A Pleaser

THE VACILLATOR

Instead of minimizing your feelings and needs as the avoidant, you are keenly aware of your desire for connection. You prefer intense experiences of bonding in relationships because passion makes you feel close. This initial, intense connection causes you to idealize others early in relationships, believing you have found a person capable of devoted, passionate, and enduring connection. You are sensitive and easily feel disappointed, rejected, or unwanted as the relationship progresses, and you eventually become angry when your expectations are not met. Over time, you feel betrayed, abandoned and made to wait for your partner to be available. Your anger causes you to vacillate between wanting attention and feeling too angry to receive. This is confusing to you as well as to others. The message you give is, “Come here”. “No, go away”. Your mate may tell you they feel like they are walking on eggshells and cannot make you happy. One of your biggest growth challenges will be to admit your part in your marriage problems by recognizing no spouse can be as wonderful as you would like. Learn to accept the weaknesses of others express sadness rather than anger. Be willing to reengage with your spouse rather than letting anger block progress.

Take The Vacillator Quiz to Determine If You Are A Vacillator

THE CONTROLLER AND THE VICTIM

As kids, your parents did not relieve stress; they created it, so chaos was “normal.” You may have learned to defend yourself by becoming controlling and aggressive, discovering anger is a preferable emotion to any tender feelings. feelings of humiliation, shame, fear, or grief. As an adult you control others believing your must take what you want by using threats, intimidation and sometimes even violence. Any flicker of vulnerable emotion like insecurity, fear or grief is quickly banished with anger. You must acknowledge and deal with the pain from your past in order to grow and change because there is a lot of grief under all that anger.
If you survived the chaos of childhood by trying to be compliant, passive, and invisible, as an adult you still feel unable to assert yourself and will tend to marry someone controlling, who will dominate you. Your low self-esteem keeps you believing problems are somehow your fault, so you try even harder to subdue anger in your spouse.
You will need to find a safe place to gain some confidence and support.

Take The Controller Quiz to Determine If You Are A Controller

Take The Victim Quiz to Determine If You Are A Victim

THE SECURE CONNECTOR

Secure attachment was described in chapter four when we looked at what kind of home guides a child toward a secure imprint as an adult. If you are a secure connector you are comfortable with reciprocity and balance giving and receiving in your marriage. You can describe strengths and weakness in yourself and others without idealizing or devaluating. You are good at self-reflection and know what is inside you, which makes it easy to clearly communicate your feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modeled for you growing up, so in your marriage it is natural for you address problems, accept advice, see alternative perspectives, and negotiate and compromise to resolve problems. You know you are not perfect and can apologize when you are wrong. You also can set boundaries and say “no.” You are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, you go to your mate for help and comfort. You may have some of these qualities and need to improve some of the others. Set a goal today and pick one of the areas listed above to in which you would like to make progress.

DONE WITH THE TEST - NOW WHAT?

What if I have Check marks in more than one category?

You will most likely have checkmarks in more than on category.  You can be a combination of more than one style but usually one style will predominate.  You may be one style at work and another at home.  Home is the place of your most important relationships, so answer the test for how you behave at home.  If you are single, choose what descriptions apply to you in your closest relationships.  If you relate to several styles, start with the love style you most often adopt in the relationship you most want to work on.  If you are married that should be your spouse!

What if I relate to all the styles and have check marks that are evenly distributed?

People from chaotic homes often ask, “What if I am all of these?”  We find that people who experienced a lot of trauma as children will relate to all the styles and may have a more even distributions of checkmarks throughout the five categories.  This is due to the chaotic nature of these early experiences.  In a traumatic environment a child is trying a little bit of everything to see what works.  In these homes, relationships are highly unpredictable, scary, chaotic and nothing works.

What if I’m just not sure what love style I am?

 It really does not matter if you know your style or not.  Read the book and begin the workbook.  The first part of the workbook will give you more insight into your childhood and resulting love style.  The workbook asks very thought provoking questions to help you gain awareness.  

Is this a personality test?

We hear this question a lot.  No, this is not a personality test.  A love style is an attachment injury.  These lists describe the way you defended yourself from hurt as a child.  As an adult, our love style becomes automatic and we are often unaware that we are continuing to defend ourselves against being hurt.  The problem is each of these styles block intimacy and cause relational problems.   

What should I do if I think I have discovered my love style?

First, read the book, How We Love.  Next begin the workbook. You will find the workbook in the back of the paperback version of How We Love.  Remember, insight is easy, change is hard.  The workbook is designed to help you grow out of injurious attachment styles and move toward a more secure style. Go slow, and don’t stop.  This is not something you can rush through.  Growth takes time and effort. 

What if my partner is not a reader?

There are several options here.  In some cases we have had one partner read aloud to their spouse and then discuss what they have just learned.  You can also visit our e-store and order DVD’s, CD’s or downloads on many topics covered in the book.  The entire six hour seminar on How We Love is also available in DVD format.    

The Workbook looks like a lot of work.  Is all the time and effort worth it? 

If you are willing to put in the time and effort this workbook can change your life, and improve your marriage and all your other relationships.  We now have over two years of wonderful emails from readers (who we have never met) who describe amazing growth as a result of reading, How We Love and completing the workbook.  With God’s help, you can learn to love more deeply. 

How Does Being a Christian fit with all this? 

Some people are afraid this sounds too much like psychological babble.  Let us assure you Jesus Christ is our redeemer, restorer, transformer and beginning of all wisdom.  Milan and I (Kay) believe God brought this field of research (attachment theory) into our lives to help transform us to be better lovers.  We think of the loves styles as descriptions of how sin plays out.  The most important commandment we are given is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  And the second (greatest commandment) is like it, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  We pray you will use this book in the process of sanctification that by the power of our Lord you may be able to love more deeply, more fully, more meaningfully.   

What will happen if I am one love style and my partner is another?

You can find out a lot more about combinations in the book.  STEP FOUR gives you summaries to help you see how common your marriage patterns are.  Couples who walk into our offices think their marriage problems are unique.  In fact, they are amazingly predictable and not at all unique.  We see the same thing over and over because we are not focusing on the surface problems, but on the underlying root causes of the surface symptoms.