STEP FIVE

What You Can Do Now That You Know More About the Love Styles

We hope and pray that that once you understand your core pattern and your individual part of the marriage dance, you will begin to experience a mental shift and feel inspired to choose a new path. We hope our website is already changing how you love as you work on changing your imprint to more resemble secure attachment. In STEP FIVE we will look at some practical ways to help that happen.

Do People With Secure Attachment Marry People with a Damaged Imprint?

When it comes to marriage, anything is possible, but we do see strong trends as we work with couples. First of all, people have a way of finding a partner who has similar levels of pain in their backgrounds. While their childhood homes may have been very different, usually they each suffered in similar ways that are not always apparent at first glance. For example, Milan and I came from very different backgrounds. His family was overly engaged, and mine was more disengaged. Growing up, we defended ourselves from pain differently. He tried to please, and I detached and took care of myself. What we had in common was that we were both lonely, wishing for someone to search our hearts and know us deeply.

 Many times during initial meetings with couples, one person will announce, “I came from a great family but my spouse had a messed up family.” In my mind I’m
thinking, “We will see.” Many times as we review the histories, the facts tell a different story. One couple I worked with, Marsha and Mark, started therapy with this belief. The Marsha’s family had obvious problems and the source of her anxiety was readily apparent. Mark’s family was in many ways much more functional.
 What we discovered, was that Mark secretly worried for years that his parents would divorce, and he carefully monitored their relationship for any sign of distress. During the night his imagination went wild and he played out many scenarios of how things might play out if this were to happen. He thought about the agony of choosing whom he would live with and how much he would miss being together. Then his thinking got more catastrophic after he watched a story on the evening news about some children whose parents had died in a tragic car accident. He added that possibly to his nighttime imaginations. Anxiety was his constant companion for years, and no one ever suspected anything was remotely wrong. The anxiety levels Mark experienced growing up were very similar to the level of anxiety his wife Marsha experienced in her childhood home.

In their marriage, he was a pleaser, still monitoring for signs of disaster, and she was an avoider who managed her anxiety with exercise that boarded on excessive.

Breaking a core pattern involves a mental shift

Being in a negative core pattern is like one person dancing to salsa music while the partner is moving to a three beat waltz. The goal of healing is create a new core pattern so we are dancing to the same tune. If positive changes are going to happen then a mental shift must first take place in which we see things differently. In the movie, A Beautiful Mind, Russell Crowe brilliantly plays the part of Dr. John Nash, a genius mathematics professor at Princeton University. As the movie begins, Dr. Nash (and the audience) is unaware that he has a mental illness. Over time we learn that schizophrenia is animating his thoughts and bizarre behaviors. Ignoring the pleas of his wife, doctor, and associates, he continues to listen to and believe the voices of the three imaginary people within his mind, who he believes are real.
 One of the three voices that he listens to is that of a little girl. At a dramatic moment in the movie, with his marriage in shambles, his wife is hurriedly driving their baby away in the car. John Nash jumps out in front of the car, forcing his wife to stop and stands in front of it with his hands on the hood shouting to his wife, “The little girl isn’t real! She’s not real…. she never grows up… she can’t be real!” At that moment, Dr. Nash experienced a mental shift, and with that shift, he saw life differently and chose to live in a different manner. For the rest of his life, he chose to recognize the source of those voices and refused to let them control his life.
 Toward the end of the story, an associate asks an aged and healthier Dr. Nash, “Are they (the three people) still there?” John Nash looks over to his right side and the three people are walking next to him, with their gazes firmly fixed on John, and he looks back at his associate and says, “Yes, but I don’t talk with them anymore.” At the end of the movie, after he is awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, a similar vignette occurs as he is helping his wife put on her overcoat to leave. She says, “Are they here?” Again, John Nash looks over to his right and the three persons are across the lobby staring at him, but he turns back, warmly smiles at his wife, looks sweetly into her eyes and says, “Yes they are, but let’s you and I go out to dinner and enjoy our evening.” Dr. Nash had broken a core pattern and it changed how he loved.

There is hope!

Remember how we told you in the first chapter that we rarely see anything new per se, rather, we see these familiar patterns every day, which is good news. “Why ‘good news’?” you ask? Well, what would you rather hear from a doctor, “I’ve seen thirty of these cases this week.” or “This is so rare, I need to look this one up in a medical journal?” When there is familiar recognition of common problems, we usually feel optimistic that the condition is treatable. We breathe a sigh of relief and listen attentively as the Doctor explains the condition, and recommends a course of treatment. Many of you are relating to the same core pattern; you are not alone. Some of the treatment we recommend is in the workbook, and you will benefit the most if you take the time to go through the exercises we have provided. Many of the resource listed below will give you some specific guidelines to follow as well.

We hope and pray that that once you understand your core pattern and your individual part of the marriage dance, you will begin to experience a mental shift and feel inspired to choose a new path. We hope this website is already changing how you love as you work on changing your imprint to more resemble secure attachment. You will find below some practical resources to help that happen.

How do I change this destructive core pattern that blocks intimacy in my marriage?

You start by changing yourself.  You cannot change others so quit trying.  Focus on the thing you can change… YOU!    Read the book.  Do the workbook.  Get the resources to help you make your life better. You will be glad you did. 

Learn More About The Love Styles

Having Deep, Productive Conversations With Your Spouse

The Comfort Circle

How We Love Seminar DVD Package

How We Love As Parents Seminar DVD Package

Learning to Manage Our Anger