Untitled Document

Are you tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues?
Do you dream of a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy?
Are you struggling under a load of resentment?
Let us help you. We have been helping people just like you for over 25 years.

A QUICK DIAGNOSIS to Identify How You Love

In How We Love, authors Milan and Kay Yerkovich help husbands and wives find hope by first gaining an understanding of their own love style—or imprint of intimacy—which create the core negative patterns in marriage. Can you identify with any of these quick reviews of each love style?

The AVOIDER

I would describe myself as independent and self-reliant.

I’m a task-oriented, high achiever.

I am usually “fine” and when something bad happens I try to get over it and move on.

In my family growing up, we rarely (or never) discussed personal concerns.

Sometimes I comply simply to avoid confrontation or arguments.

I feel uncomfortable when someone is very emotional, especially if I think I am supposed to help that person.

I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself, yet I can get angry when my best efforts don’t seem good enough.

I’m usually happiest when others are happy and don’t want a lot from me.

I show my love by doing tasks or giving gifts rather than being sentimental.

I’ve felt resentment toward my spouse for always wanting something more from me.

I’m tired of my spouse telling me I am distant and/or don’t show enough affection.

I don’t really think about my own feelings and needs very often.

I don’t really miss my spouse or family if I’m away from them.

The PLEASER

For most (or all) of my childhood I could have been described as “the good kid.”

I feel very upset if someone is upset or annoyed with me so I am good at “keeping peace.”

I seek connection and avoid rejection by anticipating and meeting others’ needs.

One of my parents was either fearful or critical and I tried hard to win approval and keep them happy.

At times, I’ve had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse.

Conflict makes me uneasy and I prefer to deal with disagreement by giving in or making up for it and quickly and moving on.

I can be jealous and possessive, though I rarely show it or deal with it in a direct way.

I have difficulty confronting or saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful.

I generally don’t feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else or get rid of it.

Sometimes I inwardly resent giving more than I get and feel like a doormat.

I don’t often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to give me assistance.

When I sense others are upset or distancing, I pursue and try harder to win them back.

The VACILLATOR

I’ve always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.

I want more connection than my spouse wants and always seem to be waiting for time and attention.

I feel like no one has really understood what I need.

I make it obvious when I’m hurt and when no one pursues me to ask what’s wrong, I feel even more upset.

Sometimes I get angry when my expectations are not met.

I have difficulty being willing to reengage when I’m angry and when my spouse makes an effort, I feel it’s too little too late.

I don’t like to be alone, but often feel resentful and lonely when my spouse is around.

I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships.

At times, I find myself picking a fight and I’m not sure why.

Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me.

When people hurt me long enough, I write them off.

I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings.

The CONTROLLER

Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent(s) or sibling.

No one protected me from harm when I was growing up, so I had to get tough and take care of myself.

Life has taught me to either “be in control” or “be controlled.”

If I wasn’t in charge, nothing would get done.

Sometimes I try to control my temper, but I feel too angry to stop.

My spouse couldn’t survive without me.

People would probably describe me as intimidating.

I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far.

Things would go more smoothly if my spouse (and kids) listened to me and did the things I asked.

My spouse purposely makes me jealous and does things behind my back.

I have few feelings about my childhood except I’m glad it’s over because I wouldn’t go back.

The VICTIM

Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents.
I’m used to chaos and calm makes me anxious because something bad is always just around the corner.
My spouse mistreats me, but I stay because it would be worse to be alone.
If I spoke up more and had stronger opinions, my spouse would be even angrier.
I often feel depressed, unworthy and unlovable.
I don’t let myself cry, because if I started, I’d never stop.
I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn’t always work.
At times, I’m honestly scared of my spouse.
I’m resentful and angry and sometimes take it out on the kids.
I feel like I’m just “going through the motions” and I’m tired and out of energy.