Dated: 02-19-2008
"Of all the myriad of ways my husband and I received help, encouragement, or
insight into our marriage, this has been by far the one that made the greatest
impact upon us. We'd exhausted virtually every known marriage resource, but
this not only sparked a flame, but kindled what will be a lifelong change in our
lives.
We believe the main reason for this is that the Yerkoviches' love style concept
of looking to your family of origin goes to the root of marital problems as
opposed to just chopping down branches. Things like writing "I like" lists and
exchanging them, or practicing the art of clear communication & intent
listening- these are truly excellent tools. But we kept getting the gnawing
feeling that there was something deeper, something we weren't getting at; an
itch that couldn't be scratched because we had no idea where or what it was! It
frustrated us both in so many ways...
However, this year's ALCF Marriage Retreat pointed us in the right direction.
The retreat had become an annual tradition for us, and I (Ayumi) had perused the
Yerkoviches' website ahead of time, but nothing prepared us fully for what we
would experience that weekend. The Yerkoviches were transparent in a way we had
never seen or heard speakers be, sharing revealing video baby footage and crying
in each other's arms. They were absolutely well-spoken, intelligent,
professional, and even humorous...but what was amazingly refreshing was the
depth of their vulnerability in front of hundreds of people they didn't know.
This vulnerability from both of them gave us the courage to be "naked and
unashamed" as well. Seeing fellow attendees also be vulnerable and cry makes me
conclude that others felt that way too...the courage to do whatever it takes to
bring the secure attachment love, the love experienced in a sinless Eden, back
into marriage.
Going from a broken love style to a secure one often feels like an
insurmountable task since no one goes into marriage thinking he or is she has
marriage-breaking baggage or will be a bad spouse. For the last four years, I
(Ayumi) especially assumed that our marital problems was mainly Charles' fault!
However, reading the Yerkoviches' book How We Love revealed to me how my love
style played greatly into the strife. It was humbling and yet a moment to
rejoice; identifying my areas of weakness meant I could work on me instead of
nagging my husband to work on himself!
By God's grace, this humility (in part) led to Charles being very willing to
learn more about his own love style. We are both reading How We Love now and
often have very thoughtful, very vulnerable conversations that undoubtedly are
sparked by the reading. We are so encouraged by what we've learned that we
bought the accompanying workbook to cement our newfound understanding and
practice our self-awareness! We are making sure to do all we can to fan this
flame so that the joy and blessing of naked and unashamed love is a reality in
our marriage."
Obviously, what we learned that wknd at Mt Hermon was HUGE to Satan because he
launched a full-force attack on us both that was very strategic and almost
permanently crippling. (Many times in our 4 year marriage I thought our marriage
was a devastating mistake and that I'd *NEVER* be able to be myself in my own
home; that I will walk on eggshells till the day we die!) However, we praise
God that He showed us that that was what was going on through our Pastor, Paul
Sheppard, in his sermon yesterday! I was able to recognize it and we are now
more excited than ever that Satan is defeated!
...and my husband has been very open with our small group about his plans to
take medication, as he has identified that he is a controller from a VERY broken
home. The sheer fact that he admitted this, and followed through with going to
see a doctor for anti-anxiety medication, is nothing short of miraculous. (He
was always VERY anti-med, even Tylenol.) God is working in profound
ways...rebuilding deep trust and insecurity issues, and even laying a foundation
for how we can best raise our toddler in an emotionally secure home. GOD IS
FAITHFUL!
Signed,
Ayumi "Vacillator" Hardy &
Charles "Controller" Hardy
P.S. We felt like we were reading our biographies when we read the "vacillator"
and "controller" sections!